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I hate these fucking animals. My allergies are going fucking nuts over here and Claritin doesn't do shit.

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I couldn't sleep and I know it's because of a conversation I have had with two different people in the same week. It's basically one of those "Why don't you find a nice girl?" talks.

The first talk was on Tuesday. I went to the bar with my friend, Tony. We met up with some of his friends from work and just went and kicked back and had a good time.

Afterwards, we went to Denny's and started with those deep conversations that we always get into when we have a few drinks in us.

To bring (most) of you up to speed: I was recently the best-man at Tony's wedding. I lived with him for two years and last week moved in with my friends, Joe and Kate. Tony and I had discussed when I first moved in with him that when he and Carrie were married, I would move out.

So we begin talking about what's been going on and the such, when Tony (inevitably) brings up "Why are you not dating anyone, Sal?"

I've had this discussion with him a few times, but I decided that he just can't fathom the idea of not being with somebody, so I go into the discussion head-on.

He still does not understand.

I went to the movies last night my Jate and my friend, Liz. Liz and Kate were talking when mentioned something about her boyfriend. Kate was unaware that Liz was dating someone and when were walking to her car she says "I didn't know Liz has a boyfriend. I always thought you two would eventually date."

So I let her know that I love Liz to the fullest. I've known her for five or so years and she has always been a big part of my life. But I would never date her. She was in a relationship with another friend of mine for three years and that I don't date the exes of any friend, past or present. It's just one of my rules.

So then she starts with "In the whole time I've known you, you haven't date anyone other than Jessica and that was for a very brief moment. Why aren't you hooking up with anybody?"

Here I go again. I talk with her about it and she seems to understand much better than Tony. I hate the fact that she brought up Jess. That still hurts a bit and even though we were "officially" dating for a short amount of time, I had known Jess for about three years prior to our little soire. It hurts to lose someone that was trusted because they betrayed that trust. Even now as I think about it it still gives me little feelings of sadness. Well, fuck it.

So the basic idea of the speech I gave is this: I'm not in any rush to jump into a relationship. In fact, I'm on a snail's pace sprint to find someone. It's just not at the top of my list. It's not at the bottom of my list, either. It's stuck in the middle of my list with a million other things that I want to do. I haven't had a long-term relationship in about eight years and I'm not really shaken about that.

Some people have a hard time being alone. I don't. That doesn't mean that I don't want that relationship. I miss the feeling of sleeping next to someone. I miss the feeling of knowing that someone is missing me as much as I miss them. I miss being in love. But, at the same time, I don't miss the fact that that person has so much control over my feelings. I don't miss the heartache of losing that someone. I'm not in any rush to get married the same way as I'm not in any rush to get divorced. Being with someone is just not a priority right now.

I know a huge part of that is the fact that when my parents divorced, my whole life was shattered. Of course I was only nine-years-old, but that was my first feeling of true loss. Nothing could have prepared me for that.

It did make me appreciate my relationships more though, I believe. This is a double-edged sword, though. On one hand, I truly love the whole "couple" idea. Nothing is more beautiful and I truly cherish the fact that someone would choose me to be their significant other. On the other hand, I don't miss the pain that goes with the dissolution of that union.

I'm not fearful of being in a relationship. I know the pros and cons and I am willing to accept them if they arise. I'm just not in any sort of desperate mood to find those pros and cons. That's why I really do not see myself becoming married until I am around 35 or so, if at all. Maybe this wil change. Who knows. Shit, I know that if Jessica had decided to stay with me instead of running away, I would most likely be looking for engagement rings. Or at least I would be thinking about looking for them. I loved her that much and when she left without saying goodbye, that crushed me.

I didn't clam up though like I did the first time someone I loved left my life. Of course I was only 17, but I was three years into a relationship and I loved Mindy as much as I could have loved anyone. When I decided that she couldn't be a part of my life anymore I was emotionally dry. Nothing remained with me for a long time. But it finally came back and I was as happy as ever. When Jess left I almost went dry again, but I decided that I didn't want to spend another three years dodging every girl I met. So I cried and sorted out my feelings and I decided that it is for the best. If we had gone any further along than we did, I would have been much more devastated. I do hate the fact that I lost a wonderful friend, but it's not my fault that she was scared of being hurt so instead of waiting for me to fuck her over, she would do the fucking first. I don't hate her for it though. I feel sorry for her.

But, that's enough babbling. I just had to get shit off of my chest. Now I can probably go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone and then come back here and tell you all about her.