But also I’ve been super sick and can’t keep food down again since I got stressed out in stream the other night. I just want to sleep till it stops hurting and I can keep food down 😑
Please, if you ever have anything deeply personal or potentially offensive to say or ask, send me a DM, and keep it out of my chat. That way I can ignore you on my own terms, if it’s necessary. I don’t care if you ask me questions etc. I love sharing, I love questions, I love transparency, honesty and openness. But, I can’t handle negative stress and just plain rudeness, it’s not ok. So please see yourselves out if you can’t handle yourselves in anyone’s stream, not just mine.
I don’t ever want to feel uncomfortable or bad about sharing what is happening to me. I feel isolated and alone as it is and this is my safe space. I love so many of you so very very much and have been trying very hard to push myself out there more, and open up again. It’s terrifying. It’s terrifying for a normal person, but anyone remotely in my shoes is a whole other monster. It’s takes all I have to try and keep up with 7 different social media accounts just so I can pay for food, and health insurance every month. Yes, naked girls are humans too. We have flaws, we’re vulnerable, we have feelings, and we get sick, and hurt just like other humans. Imagine that...
anyway, that’s what I have to say. I’m licking some wounds and dealing with the physical fallout from the last stream. I have Aspergers and I don’t really generally deal with criticism and accusations very well at all. I have so much trauma growing up from being used as a punching bag and a scapegoat and I haven’t been able to really lick those wounds ever. I don’t know if I ever will. I’m doing my best every day to just make it through the day. It’s not easy. It’s likely not very easy for so many of us right now. I miss having friends and laughing and sharing things and all those things too. But now we have to take what we can get and try and be as kind to each other as humanly possible. Just because a computer screen hides us from the world, doesn’t mean what we say and do doesn’t have an effect on others.
Please just be kind, gentle and patient with fragile people especially. We may seem like hard stone on the outside but our insides are dust. A lot of you tell me how strong I am....the truth is, I am not. I am just a great pretender. I was accused of being fake a few days ago, but really it wasn’t so much a lie, they were just very off about what was fake. My strength takes a will of thousands to even conjure in order to put on the brave face y’all see. But I am far from brave. I am scared, I am defeated, exhausted, and I feel like I am often just withering away into the darkness. My mortality stares me in the face daily. It’s absolutely intensely the most terrifying feeling I think a human being can ever have to cope with. I’m dying. And there’s not much I can do to stop it except hope that this operation can get scheduled, and the surgical team has a steady, gentle hand, my body holds up to twelve hours of cutting in to my head, and I even have the strength to leave my home and my babies for almost a month to drive 27 hours which I hate doing for five minutes, to another state with no one I know nearby, and pray I can even make it home again....and I am not left utterly devastated physically if I even wake up from this, this time. I got luckily unlucky enough the last operation. This is all so much for someone already faced with two other diseases that are killing them slowly. All I want to do is leave behind the kind of impression, whether I have months, or years, that will make people feel happy, not angry or sad.
So please, do me a favor next time any of you have any doubt or my pain, condition, suffering etc., are in question to you, and see yourself out. I frankly don’t have the wherewithal to deal with anyone insulting my situation. And I certainly don’t need to prove that I am any of it to anyone.
Again, I love 99.9% of you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. But there’s always that one socially unaware asshat that says and does something, hopefully innocently, that can really just wreck someone’s week.
Just because we’re all isolated and forced to the dark corners of the internet, doesn’t mean that our actions, or words have any less of an impact on one another. These nasty mean things I see people saying to each other on all platforms all hours of the day, and days of the week lately has to stop somewhere. We can keep this a kind, honest, trusting place that’s safe for all of us to be the weird, freaky, kinky, colorful, beautiful human beings we came in to this world destined to be.
Stay safe.
Be kind.
Love deeply.
And never give more of yourself than you can afford to lose.
Tomorrow will be a new, better day.
I’m not going anywhere any time soon, I just needed a break.
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
@missy @rambo
