Or how to feel. What to do...idk. But I know this. I’m not done fighting. I am checking in to some things out west and on the east coast. Mostly Cali, there’s three groups of drs in San Fran, LA, and San Diego that take on incredibly rare and complicated cases. I won’t let this tumor kill me. But know....I am fucking exhausted. I’m tired. I don’t know where to start. We don’t even have a car.....so getting somewhere is hard since I can’t fly for cardiac and other reasons.... paying for all of this is a whole other mess. I’m buried already in bills from the beginning of the year but I keep having to cancel appointments I can’t afford. I don’t even know where to begin, but wherever it is, I have to start tomorrow. I don’t have time and this stuff takes time to coordinate. Like, wtf do I even do? I don’t accept that I’m terminal. My life cannot end like this. I’d rather it end on a table then slowly suffocating to death at home. I’m miserable. Every day is harder but I have to keep going. I don’t know what else to say really. I just keep hoping I wake up from this nightmare. How do you even wrap yourself around this shit?

So yeah...that’s what I have to say. What else is there.