I see the neurosurgeon /oncologist tomorrow......... Two years I've waited for this Dr to give me the time of day. I can't even afford the appointment technically ugh but I have to go. I've canceled 11 appointments this month already but I agreed to go to pt, this appointment, and pelvic floor therapy.... Everyone else has to just wait 😏 I'm so nervous. Depending on what this Dr says will have a major impact on my life going foreward. If he denies me treatment I have to go out of state. So... Cross your fingers I'm not beyond his help because I can't afford therapy, pain management or anything else as is.... Leaving the state for treatment is a whole other complicated nightmare I don't even want to begin to have to think about. My heads hurting nonstop.. My mood is horrible. I'm either filled with blind rage, or crying lately. Mostly crying. Today I was super ragey though and I don't like it. I, for no reason was pissed about the soda machine not carbonating my water and threw a massive pile of now soaked mail and papers that were left to pile up on the counter in front of the soda machine, across the whole kitchen for really no reason. I was just getting unreasonably frustrated which made me feel even worse. I can't keep going like this, my quality of life is so little some days I feel utterly paralyzed. I'm sorry this isn't a cheerful happy blog but it's the sad truth. It's an ugly thing to have cancer. It's uglier to go through it alone. I hate everything. Mostly the pain I'm in. I was given tramadol and I don't even want to look at it. Fuck. I just want my head to stop hurting guys 😕 I don't want to be this sad... I wish I wasn't. I want to be happy for you guys because you deserve that. I just can't pretend right now. But know, I love you all and if it wasn't for you, I'd have nothing.
❤️
