What are my summer plans? Well......so far mostly adult stuff. Like building a new fence. Teaching waffles to use a camera again because I want to start submitting sets. So far he’s doing well with my help. Needs to learn a lot more. We’ve been playing a lot of board games...I’ve been hanging out with my cat and my lizard a lot. I definitely am good at naps. I’m going to finish my container garden. Maybe visit the farmers market. Work on our bicycle scavenger hunt for the fall to rais money for local veterans. I’ll definitely be spending a lot of time on Xbox and steam playing destiny and borderlands.
By the fall when it’s not sweltering in the south I plan to have my online shop and my booth stuff ready for fall and Halloween. I’m painting a lot and I’m hoping to sell stuff to start covering my medical expenses. So I’m definitely working on that a whole lot, Shopify is a bit confusing but I’m getting it.
I just want to be a bigger more important part of this site. I feel like I have pushed myself away for so many reasons over the years...a big one never feeling like I fit in. I want to be friends with you guys. I’m sick of feeling isolated and lonely. I’d probably be less sad. I have so much emotional and physical pain swallowing me almost every day but I’m still so happy and grateful to exist. I think because I almost died, and have lost most of my friends and family to disease, drugs and suicide it’s been this journey for me where I have been too afraid to let anyone else in knowing I may not live much longer if I can’t find a surgeon willing to help me. I don’t want to share that pain of knowing someone and haveing them just go away forever with anyone over me. It makes me so unbelievably sad to think about that possibility. This tumor has to go. It was part of my original summer plans but between fear and expenses I have to put it off yet again. I’m inching closer and closer to permanent facial paralysis if I keep waiting and I know that but things just can’t be helped. I had to push the appointment back regardless due to not being able to afford it. Whatever.... it’s just how life is sometimes. I’m in the danger zone but it’s not going to kill me yet. Hopefully in the fall I’ll be ready for surgery again.
With all that I plan to force myself to start working through this agoraphobia and my eating disorder. It’s time. I’ve lost so much of myself and time I’ll never get back. I have to keep pushing through this crap or it will suffocate me. I’m not a person to just quit. It’s not going to be kittens and rainbows, but I plan to go to some concerts, maybe go to NOLA for a weekend and find a cool hotel and see if we can’t make some cool pictures for y’all. I want to get out of this house. I’m suffocating here too. I want to go out in our canoe, enjoy some fireworks if it’s not too much for my head that is. I just want to stop hiding and feeling afraid.
I plan to not let this stupid tumor suck the rest of the life out of me.
I’m better than all of this.
And I’m greatful to have all of you to remind me what it’s all about and keep pushing through it. I love you guys more than you can possibly understand or know. Come find me on Instagram ⭐️⭐️ IG moxysuicide and my art IG is firebugcreative 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
@missy @rambo
