monkeytroop

Sometime over the last two months I lost my mind.

I guess things have been building for a long time, late last year I was diagnosed with depression. Medium high to high levels, the Doctor offered me medication straight away which I declined.

It was nice to actually know that there was something going on with me,I felt a sense of peace. I have always been the happy one and I really struggled to tell people close to me about it, there are still some people who don't know.

I saw a psychologist for a little while and then I met a girl, fell in love and felt a happiness that I had not felt for a long time.

She told me it was unfair to put all my happiness on her and that I should still be doing things to help myself, she was right and I was stupid I guess.

When things fell apart with her, so did I.

I work in a dangerous job and I deal with dangerous people, I have been doing this for a few years and I have always had excellent communication skills and a calm manner that has got me out of trouble.

Over the last two months I have failed to use these skills, I am surprised that I haven't been hurt.

I guess I was hoping that something would happen, I was so numb and lost that I just wanted to feel something, I was hurting emotionally and maybe I wanted a release in some way even if it was physical pain.

I have been very low and thinking very dark thoughts, but I think I am on the way back from this trip to insanity.

I have some fantastic friends who have been looking out for me as well as some great people on this site who have given me support, This is probably one of the places that I am most honest and it is really helped me to vent here.

I have wasted to much time and done to much drinking over the last few months, so after today I am putting myself back on the wagon, I am going to go back to the gym and start eating properly.

Today is the first day in two months that I woke up and thought that things were going to be Ok.

Thanks for listening.