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I have spent hours 'prepping' to meet a 'woman'. Apparently, 'women' can now be found everywhere ranging from supermarkets to Sponge Bath Day down at the old folks home. Chances are good I will meet a 'woman' and be approved to mate with her soon.

My prep involves delicate selection of 'small talk' and plenty of practice. I have settled on three key phrases that I think can win me plenty of affection.

1. "Hey cunt. Want a drink?" - the classic Alpha Male opener.

2. "Your hair looks like shit. Did you get dressed in a wind tunnel?" - Women love comedy.

3. "I'm an ineffectual, effeminate bag of shit that drives a rusty '81 Gemini and enjoys drinks with umbrellas in them. Let's fuck." - Women also love being placed in a dominant position.

Conversation needs to be harmless, so my Rohypnol is stashed in my purse for tonight. I also have to remember that Respect Is Important and Lies Are Never A Good Idea. These two, I think, go hand in hand with not using the Rohypnol but I'm still not clear on that.

Looks Are Also Important. I have slathered on the Brut and my velvet Nehru jacket has just come back from the drycleaners. My mullet haircut is combed to a fine sheen.

And finally, Rejection Is Part Of The Game. I realised the full truth of this when the swelling around my cheek started to go down.

( In this picture we see an Alpha Male fully accepting the bitter sting of Rejection.)

Stay tuned for part 2 where I will be discussing Covert "Female Psychology" Tactics. I'm going to dress up as a shrub and hit my local nightclubs incognito.

Remember, dating is war.