"If you're a really clever one, and you know what it is to see...then you can make friends with a special one. A friend of you and me." - The Babadook
I carry a lot of bad shit around in my head. Aside from the mental health problems, which I have detailed in the past, there's things in here that I'm really not proud of. It's a real mish mash of fuck ups, failures and things I would really love to bury permanently.
But I got saddled with being a clever one, and I know what it is to see. So I got to make friends with Mr Babadook quite early on.
Mr Babadook is my one size fits all voice of conscience. Just like the movie, he's a funny little man in a top hat and tails. But give him too much rein and he sheds his disguise. You really don't want to see him without it.
Mr Babadook is the one that demanded that I self harm ( thank god that stopped ). He was the one that used to scream and spit at me in the mirror and say You aren't good enough. He's the one that nudged me into sitting with a knife in my hands and testing whether or not I could turn it on myself.
And because Mr Babadook is a true friend, he's still here but just a bit more docile now. I won't give him up and he won't give me up. Ask any addict and they will tell you in their own way I love my disease. Oh yes, Mr Babadook is a friend right to the end.
Mr Babadook is over my shoulder during the day. He's in my head at night. He loves reminding me that all of this is a house of cards set to topple. The higher the tower, the bigger the fall.
Maybe I'm too hard on myself. But when you have memories of sneaking out at night ( this was back in the early 2000's ) to stalk people, why wouldn't you be? I was lonely and confused and bitter back then, but that doesn't make it right.
There's other stuff in here. There's some really unpleasant stuff from my university days, there's conversations with people where I was an outrageous liar, and there's what happened with Jenna back in '06. Ah fuck if only I could turn back the clock on that one. I drove Jenna away with a deluge of self pity, and I will miss her forever.
Mr Babadook makes sure I forget none of this. I pop my special potion once a day to keep him under wraps, but he's a sneaky old bastard. I'm afraid that one day he's going to win.
