So I'm treated to a viewing of Honey Birdette's online store. "This is hot," I think to myself, with picture upon picture of exotic lingerie wrapped around a model that is full figured, red haired, green eyed. Utterly gorgeous.
For a red blooded man, this is ordinarily the gateway to Nirvana. By which I mean the Buddhist paradise and not the flannel clad, stringy haired monsters of early 90's grunge metal.
Unfortunately my blood is currently more of a delicate fuchsia. Thanks to anti depressants, I am the modern eunuch.
My brain radios in to my dick and this is the exchange that I think happens:
"Ugly Duckling, this is Mother Goose. We have identified a hot female at 12 o'clock...We see what we like. Ugly Duckling, activate Sex Mode.".
My dick knows that my brain is on the radio, but accidentally tips its coffee over the controls. Now it's only getting garbled static with snatches of words.
"Uh...roger that, Mother Goose. No female in range. Ugly Duckling is on standby in Social Mode."
So nothing happens. I might as well just be a Ken doll. Fuck the anti depressants. I miss a serious erection.
Anyway, so Honey Birdette's website also includes sex toys. There's a whole variety of riding crops, paddles, restraints and cuffs. Pretty exciting.
And then the really serious business.
Dildos, vibrators...with ridiculous prices. $220 for something that looks like Godzilla's dick as made by Salvador Dali.
All I know is that if you sneak up behind me with one of them, I will get spooked and kick you like a horse.
There's weird objects that look like a set of cooking tongs mated with Beats By Dre. The kit includes what appears to be a Glade Sense and Spray. No idea how these work but my brain is trying to puzzle it out.
"So you put this here, and then you put this here, and then *high pitched buzzing* you get sandalwood and pine scent all through your house...Wunderbar!"
Does no one use fingers and tongue anymore?
And if any of these objects can ever hold a conversation like JARVIS in Iron Man, then the male half of the species is doomed.
It's all rounded out by the most fucked up Kinder Surprise that I have ever seen. It's an egg with a cutesy wrapper see?
But wait for this...this is the real kicker.
You crack the egg open and inside is what I assume is soft silicon. You then jack off inside it. Meanwhile your dick is pressing into the silicon, creating the perfect shape for...whatever the fuck it is you are doing. Because at this point, you know you have a serious problem right?
You then throw the egg out and if you want to whack off again, just crack another egg open. They come in handy packs of six. For an extra $10, I think you can be cheeky and ask for a baker's dozen in both free ranged and caged variety.
Don't let your Nanna find them in the fridge. You will ruin Christmas...again.
I can draw this conclusion now that I get a window into the things that people are doing to themselves and each other behind closed doors....and that is that humanity is a beautiful mess. Our species is doomed...but let's make sure we go out with a face frying orgasm.
I only have one request. Would the last person to leave please hit me with whatever THAT is? I like the look of it.
