I fire up a new game and am eager to build a character from a choice of humans, pointy eared humans, and anthropomorphic cats and lizards. Attempt feebly to create a creature of surpassing beauty. Instead come up with a character that looks like a dog chewed pair of sandals were left in a hot car. Decide that my Dragonborn is still the sharpest looking man lizard ever created.

Now for a name. Something meaty. Something noble. Something epic.

Get stumped for choices and decide I can go for either the default name, or Dickbreath.

Several minutes later the mighty Dickbreath is off on his journey through the vast lands of Skryim. I listen to weighty conversations about impending civil war, dragon sightings and strange ruins in the nearby mountains. Spend the whole conversation frog leaping in the air...because why not?

Attempt to steal from the pockets of everyone. When that doesn't work, raid their houses instead. Everything that isn't nailed down is appropriated and will be sold to the nearest merchant.

Thankyou homeowner for the gift of cups, forks, platters, candles and all the clothes in your cupboards. All of it makes great bank.

Venture into the mountains. Just to test the physics of this beautiful game, I will leap off the mountainside. I find out shortly that although i'm Dragonborn and will soon receive powerful gifts of magic, flight doesn't seem to be achievable.

Dickbreath can't even ski down a rocky slope without ending up in a bloodied heap at the bottom. Still, this is hilarious. Am I meant to take this game seriously?

Yes. Serious. Stern face on. Into a quest I go, which takes me into the heart of a collapsed temple. Realise that the enemies inside it can all be beaten by circle strafing. In fact, combat looks more like medieval villagers doing a two step dance routine.

Well fuck, I suppose you can't have it all.

Skryim, I still love ya baby. Even when you take arrows to the knee...probably because that white haired old fuck Geralt of Rivia is sniping you from long range.

( @amaryllis I thought this might make you feel better and since you are a Skryim fan xx )