mistresskitten

well today FUCKING SUCKS. god, i have 3 bad days, one good day, and now what? back to 3 bad days? like fuck this shit. i hate it. cuz honestly. like i wanted to come and do this so so so badly, and i get 3 credits towards university for doing it and such. and its such a good experience and what not, get to see the east coast,etc. while learning french. which is something i really really want to do.
but.
when im upset like 90% of the day. how is that even worth it?
like its just so frustrating. because i want to talk to everyone so badly. but my speaking skills are so terrible. i can read it just fine and what not. but when people are talking to me. it just whizzes right over my head and i have no fucking clue what is going on. and so why am i here? i usually dont do things that upset me. especially when this is entirely my own decision.
but the fact that what i want to do in the future depends on this. just makes it soo much worse. cuz i know i will improve. i mean, yesterday, i improved, i noticed, maybe not by much, but i still improved, and i was happy yesterday. and now today.
i just want to go home. i miss kelsey, i miss nathan.
i hate crying
i hate this
fuck
i hate me