mistersatan

You know, I drove home tonight from the latest Seattle outing feeling all kinds of dejected and depressed. And I don't really know why. Then I stopped on the way home and got some dinner, and now I don't feel so out of it anymore. It's strange- I was all ready to quit the site, offer up my ticket to the prom, et cetera... but I'm feeling a little better now.

I'm still kind of low, though. Got there too late, didn't talk to anybody that much, or at least as much as I would have liked to. I met some new people and just as quickly forgot who they were- sorry about that. And for the first time in my life, I felt something I've never experienced before-

I felt old.

I can deal with being fat. I can deal with having no job, and being unable to find one. I can deal with bill collectors crwaling up my recturm, searching for buried treasure. Fuck, I can even deal with losing my hair, which I'm pretty sure I am. But as I sat there tonight, I once again felt alone in a crowd, and I didn't know why. I think there were just too many people there that I couldn't talk to or relate to. I felt out of place, awkward... and old.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I might leave the site as well. I need to learn not to confuse feelings I might have for someone between feelings I have toward a group of people. If I do go, I'll donate my prom ticket to one of you guys. I still might stick around, though.

But right now, I don't really see a reason to.



UPDATE-

Got a phone call from Lexi yesterday- she called from a hospital in New York. Apparently her lupus is acting up again. Go to her journal and tell her to get well soon, okay? She's a good friend and she means a lot to me. Thanks.