Tuesday Aug 05, 2003

0
There is something I've been thinking about for the last couple of days and I can't get it out of my head. And it's something I'm not sure people could relate to or understand. And it's not that relevant. But maybe if I write it down it will go away...
Sometime ago there was a girl I fell in love with
and it didn't last long but for some reason was really fucking painful to get over... Well after we broke up, we were still hanging out ones in a while,
trying to be friends and other happy bullshit.
A story came up when she walked in on her friend giving a blowjob to some guy who was rumored to have a "pretty" dick. Exactly. Well, what does she
do? She joins in... Basically starts sucking right after the other one was done... I don't want to judge her character or whatever. If I didn't have any feelings towards her I would find it amusing...
But it makes me so discussed that I loved that person... And it makes me sad and paranoid and angry and all kinds of other feelings I can't describe.
I just want to rip her head off, pretty much...
Stupid story, really. Pretty intimate to share with people, but I can't help but to rewind that scene over and over in my head... And then thinking how happy I was with her... And then picturing her sucking some guy off just for the hack of it... It's
really screwing with my head.
evanx:
Hey dude, that sucks. But I know how you feel. I had still hung out with an ex, and stories like that just make you want to shoot yourself. I found the best way to get over it is to purge all of those thoughts of her out of your brain. It ain't easy.

Watching "Swingers" always made me feel better.
citrus:
people are strange.

maybe she just wanted to be better than the other girl or something.

we look for acceptance in all the wrong places some times.
no peace with out.

~~~~
p.s.
no one makes us anything we're not already...
but i'm so glad you're happy sometimes.
and that maybe i got a smile out of you... *raised eyebrows*

[Edited on Aug 05, 2003]
and:
oh,
well that's okay.
you like this place because it talks back, right?
well... i try to put myself in her shoes... just for a second, right?
and then... i'm not trying to offer excuses. there's certainly not a good one.

you're more than welcome to continue ripping her head off.
but i will try to be quiet about it next time, eh?... as difficult as that may be.
nevermind. i don't want to make that promise, but i don't want you to be conscious of anyone's response...
would draining your brain of thoughts of her help either?!

tongue

[Edited on Aug 05, 2003]

i tell you i don't have answers... not ones good enough for me, so certainly not good enough for you because you deserve better than what i've got.

blah blah

ultimately i don't know.

but i think it's only your problem so far as you let it bother you.
it is definitely an intimate sharing. what is the real source of the anger? did you want her to be yours? is that a problem?
why would you be disgusted that you love a person who disappoints you? because of that silly line in a movie (how great was that?!?) about how we are what we love?
well just think: if you can love the very least of them, what capacity do you have to love the best.
it's good that love doesn't often discriminate. but you have no power/control/manipulative abilities for something that happened already.

when do we stop torturing ourselves?

[Edited on Aug 05, 2003]

see,
you share this because it's bothering you... and i go to pick it apart like i can do something to make it better.
and what i'm doing is challenging you to make it stop when if it were so simply to quit it, if we had already overcome that challenge, the idea would no longer be a big deal, right?

i'm just convinced that anger is indicative of fear.


[Edited on Aug 05, 2003]

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