minimalism

I don't have an update, but I've had that last journal up for long enough now, so I'm going to ramble about some things that I shouldn't really be rambling about. She will see this, but that's the price of having an online diary of sorts.

I feel so ill. It's not a sick ill. It's not from the crazy long weekend I had. It's that feeling you get in your stomach when you know that you have a pretty strong crush that is probably going to crush you. The feeling of breaking up before you've even had a chance to date. That you are paying for someone else's mistakes. You want to puke or cry or both. I hate this. I hate that nearly every girl that I meet that I feel I could get serious with either has a boyfriend already, or just got out of a bad break up and isn't ready to go back into something long term. I am the king of shitty timing.

Honestly, it's not their fault or mine. It just sucks. It's human nature that when you are hurt you need time to heal. That you can't risk being hurt again until you've gotten over the pain of the last break up. You need to feel appreciated to be able to feel loved. You need trust and it's hard to give that to someone new when you still feel the sting of an ex.

It's not possible to tell someone how you feel about them in this situation. That you are not the ex. That you'ld like to be special to them and that they will be special to you. You just can't explain these things. Those are things they have to feel, and you can't make them feel that way if they aren't ready to let you.

And so I'll quietly pine away, hoping that things that probably won't work out somehow will. We'll make good friends in the end regardless of what happens, but I'll always feel like it could have been so much more.