longest entry ive posted, but i needed to get this out, and if you have time to read it, i would really like to wake up to some advice, thoughts, anything. Im lost right now. Dont worry, im a good writer, and its a good narrative
I cannot sleep. Im not sure if i will be able to. I cant shake these thoughts from my head. I feel like being sick. I feel like being angry. I am definately confused. My heart is definately being torn.
1985 - This one day at the begginning of kindergarten, there was this boy sitting on the bench at playtime because he had had his appendix removed. I made friends with him, and quickly he was roped into running around with me and all the little girls. I remember once, we chased him up onto the monkey bars, and his hand slipped and he hit me in the head. I attacked him. It was great. I began going over to his house after school, and vice versa. We were in grades 2,4 and part of 5th together. I was at every birthday party. I remember he tried to get me to have sex with him in his 'Transformers Bed -Tent" (remember Bed Tents?)... we were 7, and i said no cause we would get caught.
Another time, his parents took us to the pier, and they bought fresh seafood. When we got home, he chased me around their house with a raw clam filled with ketchup. I hid in the basement room under his mothers bed (the room was haunted too) and i remember screaming at the horrid treat he was chasing me with. I seem to remember alot...
He moved away for part of middle school, and most of high school with his mom. But he came back in high school, and of course, called me. He gave me a present, well, it was mine to begin with, an old adress book from 4th grade, My Melody on the cover. Complete with old names and my own unfamiliar handwriting. There was always bits of me in his room. For years it never changed. Time stood still in there.
At this point of my entry, i know you are all thinking i am torn up because my friend is dead. In a way, that might just be easier on all of us.
Years would come and go, but we always reconnected, even if at random before or after major changes in eachothers lives. We were brother and sister. Not by blood, but forged in childhood. I think we were boyfriend and girlfriend from K-4th, but it was news to us. I guess it was always assumed.
Anyway, it became that we saw eachother at more and more obscure times. In 2001, he totally lost his mind. He watched 'The Matrix' for 48 hours straight, and soon thought he was Neo. That ended with him in jail wearing a brand new leather trench and new Ray Bans. He had climbed onto the wrong side of the fence at LAX. He was really messed up. He came to my house right after he was released. I was worried about him. It was bad. I wanted him to stay at my house so he wasnt alone to lose it again. But alas, i got tired and told him to come over the next day. By the next night he was back in jail. I was there to call his mother, pick her up from the airport. I moved his things from his bedroom to his grandmothers house. Made him a new room in hours. He was gratefull. I soon started to pull away, as the week had drained every ounce of my strength into protecting him. Once again, his mom moved him back to Utah with her for awhile. But he came back. A year later, on the eve of my wedding. Gave me a bud of medical grade bluberry chronic. Xia and i benefited from this very much the next day. We were laughing like morons, im sure EVERYONE knew we were loaded. He never showed up to the wedding. But whatever, i didnt expect him to remember. His mind was pretty off by that point.
A month later he came to my house, once again in a wierd mindset. He was spewing anti-military sentiment and barked that my husband was going to DIE in IRAQ and he was going to laugh his ass off about it because i had faith he wouldnt. I pounced him and hit him hard multiple times. (i was redoing my room at the moment and he brough bad juju into it and it pissed me off). He Jumped up and began to choke me. My friend Kali pulled him off of me. My mother yelled that it was time for him to leave. He didnt hesitate. He is afraid of her. Yet, again, a day later i recieved a call from one of our friends from kindergarten, Julie, she was in Georgia, but we all were talking. She called to tell me he was back in jail. I called his dad immediately. Apparently, my friend had provoked me on purpose in attempt to "save me". He was intent on the GODLY knowledge he had that i was going to kill myself, so he decided to kill me to spare me from hell, and since he had the KEYS to heaven, he would be fine. He had terrorized his grandmother into a corner while bibles burned in the living room. He had gone off in a crazy tangent of Mormon faith. I didnt help him that time. I turned my back. I had tried, and now my life was on the line.
Its been almost 2 1/2 years since i spoke to him (how time passes so slowly in your heart when someone is like family!) On November 22nd, i went online to the LA Sheriffs Dept. Website to see if my ex bf Nick had been booked in court that day for his speeding tickets. No booking found. Something told me to type Adam's name in.
Instantly i had a hit, his name in front of me... arrested just HOURS before. It was for possesion with intent to sell. $50,000 bail. I checked every once in awhile to see his case, one day i noticed his bail had jumped to $390,000 with 2 counts of Criminal Intent, one felony, one misdamenor. He called my parents house from jail. They told me he called. I was going to go down to twin towers jail to visit him and find out what happend, when tonight another friend of mine hinted that he knew why Adam was in jail. I didnt want to believe him. So i did what any media savvy girl would do..I Googled him. And found this headline from the local paper....
" A ________ man, 24, is accused of offenses with children " the complete articlei have pasted into the journal entry previous to this, as the nature of it is something you should only read if you want to know why ive been further crushed, confused, angry, hurt, and even angered at his father for being so loose lipped with the press.
I NEVER THOUGHT HE COULD GET WORSE! I SHOULD HAVE MONITORED HIM, GOT THOSE PEOPLE OUT OF HIS LIFE! PROTECTED HIM. In the end, i have always been all he has. Now what?
how do i feel? what do i say? in the end it all goes away. in the end it all goes away in the end it all goes away!!!!
I cannot sleep. Im not sure if i will be able to. I cant shake these thoughts from my head. I feel like being sick. I feel like being angry. I am definately confused. My heart is definately being torn.
1985 - This one day at the begginning of kindergarten, there was this boy sitting on the bench at playtime because he had had his appendix removed. I made friends with him, and quickly he was roped into running around with me and all the little girls. I remember once, we chased him up onto the monkey bars, and his hand slipped and he hit me in the head. I attacked him. It was great. I began going over to his house after school, and vice versa. We were in grades 2,4 and part of 5th together. I was at every birthday party. I remember he tried to get me to have sex with him in his 'Transformers Bed -Tent" (remember Bed Tents?)... we were 7, and i said no cause we would get caught.
Another time, his parents took us to the pier, and they bought fresh seafood. When we got home, he chased me around their house with a raw clam filled with ketchup. I hid in the basement room under his mothers bed (the room was haunted too) and i remember screaming at the horrid treat he was chasing me with. I seem to remember alot...
He moved away for part of middle school, and most of high school with his mom. But he came back in high school, and of course, called me. He gave me a present, well, it was mine to begin with, an old adress book from 4th grade, My Melody on the cover. Complete with old names and my own unfamiliar handwriting. There was always bits of me in his room. For years it never changed. Time stood still in there.
At this point of my entry, i know you are all thinking i am torn up because my friend is dead. In a way, that might just be easier on all of us.
Years would come and go, but we always reconnected, even if at random before or after major changes in eachothers lives. We were brother and sister. Not by blood, but forged in childhood. I think we were boyfriend and girlfriend from K-4th, but it was news to us. I guess it was always assumed.
Anyway, it became that we saw eachother at more and more obscure times. In 2001, he totally lost his mind. He watched 'The Matrix' for 48 hours straight, and soon thought he was Neo. That ended with him in jail wearing a brand new leather trench and new Ray Bans. He had climbed onto the wrong side of the fence at LAX. He was really messed up. He came to my house right after he was released. I was worried about him. It was bad. I wanted him to stay at my house so he wasnt alone to lose it again. But alas, i got tired and told him to come over the next day. By the next night he was back in jail. I was there to call his mother, pick her up from the airport. I moved his things from his bedroom to his grandmothers house. Made him a new room in hours. He was gratefull. I soon started to pull away, as the week had drained every ounce of my strength into protecting him. Once again, his mom moved him back to Utah with her for awhile. But he came back. A year later, on the eve of my wedding. Gave me a bud of medical grade bluberry chronic. Xia and i benefited from this very much the next day. We were laughing like morons, im sure EVERYONE knew we were loaded. He never showed up to the wedding. But whatever, i didnt expect him to remember. His mind was pretty off by that point.
A month later he came to my house, once again in a wierd mindset. He was spewing anti-military sentiment and barked that my husband was going to DIE in IRAQ and he was going to laugh his ass off about it because i had faith he wouldnt. I pounced him and hit him hard multiple times. (i was redoing my room at the moment and he brough bad juju into it and it pissed me off). He Jumped up and began to choke me. My friend Kali pulled him off of me. My mother yelled that it was time for him to leave. He didnt hesitate. He is afraid of her. Yet, again, a day later i recieved a call from one of our friends from kindergarten, Julie, she was in Georgia, but we all were talking. She called to tell me he was back in jail. I called his dad immediately. Apparently, my friend had provoked me on purpose in attempt to "save me". He was intent on the GODLY knowledge he had that i was going to kill myself, so he decided to kill me to spare me from hell, and since he had the KEYS to heaven, he would be fine. He had terrorized his grandmother into a corner while bibles burned in the living room. He had gone off in a crazy tangent of Mormon faith. I didnt help him that time. I turned my back. I had tried, and now my life was on the line.
Its been almost 2 1/2 years since i spoke to him (how time passes so slowly in your heart when someone is like family!) On November 22nd, i went online to the LA Sheriffs Dept. Website to see if my ex bf Nick had been booked in court that day for his speeding tickets. No booking found. Something told me to type Adam's name in.
Instantly i had a hit, his name in front of me... arrested just HOURS before. It was for possesion with intent to sell. $50,000 bail. I checked every once in awhile to see his case, one day i noticed his bail had jumped to $390,000 with 2 counts of Criminal Intent, one felony, one misdamenor. He called my parents house from jail. They told me he called. I was going to go down to twin towers jail to visit him and find out what happend, when tonight another friend of mine hinted that he knew why Adam was in jail. I didnt want to believe him. So i did what any media savvy girl would do..I Googled him. And found this headline from the local paper....
" A ________ man, 24, is accused of offenses with children " the complete articlei have pasted into the journal entry previous to this, as the nature of it is something you should only read if you want to know why ive been further crushed, confused, angry, hurt, and even angered at his father for being so loose lipped with the press.
I NEVER THOUGHT HE COULD GET WORSE! I SHOULD HAVE MONITORED HIM, GOT THOSE PEOPLE OUT OF HIS LIFE! PROTECTED HIM. In the end, i have always been all he has. Now what?
how do i feel? what do i say? in the end it all goes away. in the end it all goes away in the end it all goes away!!!!
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
in the end it all goes away(or...it's alright, if you don't think about it.)
easier said than done..right?! after all it just is...and like most things that "are" you can rest assured that you will soon take it for granted and barely take notice of it anymore.
Look...only he can prevent forest fires...no one can help us unless we let them help us.
My dad was (is) a sexual predator and my mom always said I'd grow up just like him...well, guess what I didn't. I live out my fantasies in my art, my mind my music and well, a few willing friends if you must know...nothing kinky...just a few fun mind games now and again to keep us sharp.
It's sad to see those we want close move so far away...good thing the world is round...someday they're gonna end up right back beside us.
Just sort of some free association...no real advice...accept that you are beautiful and you have a responsibility to you. Not everyone will accept all that love baby, so you got to keep the vessel in tact until they do.
Anyway, have a few breif moments of clarity and forgetfulness today and you'll be fine.
Lots of love...
[Edited on Dec 18, 2004 12:50AM]
I finally read both your journal and the article. It sounds very sad and he needs help more then jail time. I believe the father has his son bests interests at heart. As far as you and him well, you have been a great friend to him but you have your own life to live and a family as well. Do not beat yourself up over it. You've done everything you can for him. Just pray for him(if you pray) and hope he gets the assistance he needs.