I'm giving up...

8

I feel more and more useless in this world and for months now I only have some very short moments of joy... if any. Hell, even my beloved dog has more problems with walking and she will merely turn 11 one day before I turn 39... And that fucks me up completely! I can't do anything for my dog and have to watch how she sometimes brakes down just trying to stand or drink... but still she has the will to live in her eyes, although she can not understand, why she can't really run around anymore like she did half a year ago. And it breaks my heart to see her looking at me, asking: "Daddy, why can't I get up so easy? Why are you kneeling in front of me and crying?" And she still has a lot of fight in her eyes and the spark is still glowing strong.
But I somehow lost my will to live... I can't stand my life, my whole situation and I simply want to die. but I can not do this, before I haven't found good places for my pets. And I don't want to leave Sheila alone in this fucked up world. Kaya would find a home easily, but who would want and old german shepherd girl who can't really run around anymore?
But I can't stand living anymore. After anything nice/happy or beautiful happening the downphase is becoming multiple times longer than the good one... I can not find any purpose, any power in myself... or at least I don't see it anymore.
I don't know if I can fight my demons much longer... I even set myself some sort of deadline until August/September... I have no idea why that time, I just want my life to finally become better up till then. I want it to be a life worth living... and I don't know what will happen afterwards.

My brains fucked up and I'm a mess, but I guess that is the price I have to pay...

VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
bookcouple:
I hope you don’t give up, we are here for you and happy to have you... keep fighting, you are worth it
miloszbeardlove:
Thank you lovely people! I really appreciate the words from you. My biggest problem is simply I don't see any sense in continuing what I do now. No matter if working for my father, being nice or working my ass off for wrestling. I am in such a fucking big abyss at the moment it just sucks horribly. Worst thing about all the shit surrounding me is being alone... like completely alone... Until two years ago I used to say I have friends where I live and all the wrestling involved people. But even when I put out a message or a "scream for help" out on facebook or as my Whatsapp status, I only get replys like: "Hey, cheer up, everything will be fine" or the best/worse: "Come on, you'll find someone" And some even think I'm joking when I post something. It's horrible knowing none of the people I know even tried or came over, called me or at least showed me that they really would care... It might sound cheesy, but after all that I've done for others and what I still like to do, there is not one person who validates what I do and/or gives me the feeling of being of value for them. The only one who somehow realises what I give is the guy I am doing commentary with for NEW. And he's living a bit over 110miles/175km away from me. Working for my father gets more and more exhausting as he gets more confudes or overstrained and messes up things at work but as he has a god complex, he never makes errors, it's always me to blame. Even when he (as usual) tells only part of what I would need to know and then the work is not done because nobody knew what exactly to do. And these little thing keep adding up and the "good" things happening are not lasting enough or strong enough to keep me up. Sucks...

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