I am truly overwhelmed by the amount of sweet words and kind gestures people have made in my time of need. Words can't even begin to describe how much every kind word has meant to me and how touched I am by the person who bought decent shoes for my son and the sweet pick me up's for me.
I had a rough night last night. I have not even had the biopsy yet, so I may be freaking out for nothing, but I have this indescribable "wrong feeling" when I touch myself. Kind of an odd uneasy feeling about the whole thing with my mind screaming "Get it out get it out" about the odd mass in me. It does not feel LIKE me, I can squeeze it and roll it around in my fingers and I don't even feel it. There is no pain, it may as well be someone else. But it is IN me!! It feels like the most primal of feelings reaching out from some distant evolutionary past just gnawing on every ounce of me with this get it out, get it out, it is not OF me, get it out. Does anyone else know what I am talking about? A good friend told me about a cyst which gave him that feeling. Just the deep knowing that there is something not right and foreign in your body and a nagging desire to cleanse it.
At any rate, I had a good cry last night, kind of coming to terms with the possible reality of the situation. My own mortality, and the possibility of disfigurement and baldness. I cried for a few hours about it. Not just the soft weeping kind of crying, but the bawling and screaming into the pillow kind of crying. I think I feel better, I needed it. I went and saw a great concert on Sat night with Element A440 and Calabrese and several other bands. They all put on a great show. Element a440 really goes all out and knows how to work a crowd. I was so sad I kind of missed out on really getting into the show because I was so heavily weighted down by this. I'll know soon now though. I'm terrified to have it done, scared to death and hopeful and longing for an answer all at the same time.
I say please let this be nothing. Then I look at all of my female relatives on my mothers side and know every one of them has had breast cancer. I am the youngest girl in the family of my generation, and the only one who has not had it. That scares the shit out of me. Im getting older. Im almost 30 and some of my cousins got it in their early 30s. I dont want to be a uniboober. I dont want to die. I dont want to put my son through it. When my mom went through it, it fucked me up. It fucked her up and it really was terrifying to me and my brother. My son is starting his teens he needs me to be there for him, he should not have to be there for me, and have me have to be selfish. And I guess Im not done crying yet, because now I am crying again.
Thank you everyone for being so sweet and great to me. It really does mean so much!
I had a rough night last night. I have not even had the biopsy yet, so I may be freaking out for nothing, but I have this indescribable "wrong feeling" when I touch myself. Kind of an odd uneasy feeling about the whole thing with my mind screaming "Get it out get it out" about the odd mass in me. It does not feel LIKE me, I can squeeze it and roll it around in my fingers and I don't even feel it. There is no pain, it may as well be someone else. But it is IN me!! It feels like the most primal of feelings reaching out from some distant evolutionary past just gnawing on every ounce of me with this get it out, get it out, it is not OF me, get it out. Does anyone else know what I am talking about? A good friend told me about a cyst which gave him that feeling. Just the deep knowing that there is something not right and foreign in your body and a nagging desire to cleanse it.
At any rate, I had a good cry last night, kind of coming to terms with the possible reality of the situation. My own mortality, and the possibility of disfigurement and baldness. I cried for a few hours about it. Not just the soft weeping kind of crying, but the bawling and screaming into the pillow kind of crying. I think I feel better, I needed it. I went and saw a great concert on Sat night with Element A440 and Calabrese and several other bands. They all put on a great show. Element a440 really goes all out and knows how to work a crowd. I was so sad I kind of missed out on really getting into the show because I was so heavily weighted down by this. I'll know soon now though. I'm terrified to have it done, scared to death and hopeful and longing for an answer all at the same time.
I say please let this be nothing. Then I look at all of my female relatives on my mothers side and know every one of them has had breast cancer. I am the youngest girl in the family of my generation, and the only one who has not had it. That scares the shit out of me. Im getting older. Im almost 30 and some of my cousins got it in their early 30s. I dont want to be a uniboober. I dont want to die. I dont want to put my son through it. When my mom went through it, it fucked me up. It fucked her up and it really was terrifying to me and my brother. My son is starting his teens he needs me to be there for him, he should not have to be there for me, and have me have to be selfish. And I guess Im not done crying yet, because now I am crying again.
Thank you everyone for being so sweet and great to me. It really does mean so much!
VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
Best of luck, and my thoughs are with you!
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