Well im fucking bummed today... excuse me while I ramble on.... had kinda of a boring weekend back in Chicago, didnt do much and wasnt really motivated for anything. As my wife and I were heading back to Milwaukee my mother mentioned that I should talk to my grandmother (not her mother... her ex-husband/ my bio fathers mother) since my wife and I are having a baby soon. I havent talked to my father in over 5 years and also havent talked to that side of the family in that time either. growing up I used to idolize him and wanted to be like him, but in my late teen years I realized the kind of person he really was, and it wasnt the person I wanted to be, and there was soon tension between us. I was no longer happy being related to him, and was often depressed when I saw myself acting like him. He wasnt the typical abusive/alcoholic person you thing of when you think of bad fathers, but he was (and still is) the only person I truly fear, and I don't know why. The kind of person he was, and his personality was something I discovered to be something I wanted no part of.
A couple years before I had met my wife I decided that I didnt want him in my life anymore... I didnt want to wait out the relationship to see if it got better, and then be disappointed and depressed all over again. So I basically stopped talking to him all together. And at first I tried to stay in contact with other family members on that side of the family, like my grandmother, but soon found out that it wasnt good enough. I had mentioned that I was currently working at an auto parts store, and it wasnt long after that I saw my father in the parking lot and he was following me in my company vehicle for over an hour. I would also receive notes on my wind shield, and many many voice mails on my cell phone (most of which, were nothing more than silence and background noise) . I soon changed my phone number. I had found out that my grandfather had died of cancer from my aunts husband (who, at the time was the only person I was willing to talk to) ... Funny thing is, he was the first person in my life to pass away that was family, and yet I wasnt really bothered by it (unlike when my step father passed a few years ago). Maybe it was because I never really felt close to my dads side of the family, or whatever.
Even though I havent spoken to my father in over five years, I still feel that wrenching fear in my gut whenever I hear a vehicle that sounded like his, or see someone who looks like him or drive around my hometown or the town he lives in. I really believe in letting things go that have happened in the past... but this is one part of my past that always sits deep inside me that I have tried so hard to forget. Everyone seems to think that I should talk to him before he dies or something... but I know it will not make me forget what has already been done in the past, and will just make this wound never heal. Normally I can carry on with my life just fine if I am only quickly reminded of my past, but when somebody has to dig deeper and pick at the scab, it just sends me in a funk for the rest of the day, and usually leads to nightmares at some point..
My wife once brought up the question if I will ever talk to him again. I politely replied that I do not plan to, and that she should stop asking me. but time and time again she will ask the same question, only to anger me further. And today she did it again on the car ride home, after my mother had asked the same question. And this time she wouldnt let it go. I have already told her that this is a sore spot in my life that I do not care to talk to her about (since she has never met him) ... Would you talk to someone who was raped or beaten or abused about how they should try to make amends with that person that caused them pain? fuck no. While I wasnt raped , beaten or abused my my father, I still do not want to talk about it with someone who doesnt know the story. I guess thats part of my dislike for religion... Honor thy father and thy mother.... why should I forgive someone who doesnt deserve it just because he is my father? his own brother told me at my grandpas funeral "I lived with him growing up, and I know its was hard, but you should just forgive him" Why the fuck should I? what did he do that earns him forgiveness? FUCK!
Sorry about the whole rant, but I wanted to write it down, even if it falls on deaf ears. This is what goes through my head everytime someone has to bring up this subject with me... and I felt like I should write it out instead of keeping it to myself this time.
A couple years before I had met my wife I decided that I didnt want him in my life anymore... I didnt want to wait out the relationship to see if it got better, and then be disappointed and depressed all over again. So I basically stopped talking to him all together. And at first I tried to stay in contact with other family members on that side of the family, like my grandmother, but soon found out that it wasnt good enough. I had mentioned that I was currently working at an auto parts store, and it wasnt long after that I saw my father in the parking lot and he was following me in my company vehicle for over an hour. I would also receive notes on my wind shield, and many many voice mails on my cell phone (most of which, were nothing more than silence and background noise) . I soon changed my phone number. I had found out that my grandfather had died of cancer from my aunts husband (who, at the time was the only person I was willing to talk to) ... Funny thing is, he was the first person in my life to pass away that was family, and yet I wasnt really bothered by it (unlike when my step father passed a few years ago). Maybe it was because I never really felt close to my dads side of the family, or whatever.
Even though I havent spoken to my father in over five years, I still feel that wrenching fear in my gut whenever I hear a vehicle that sounded like his, or see someone who looks like him or drive around my hometown or the town he lives in. I really believe in letting things go that have happened in the past... but this is one part of my past that always sits deep inside me that I have tried so hard to forget. Everyone seems to think that I should talk to him before he dies or something... but I know it will not make me forget what has already been done in the past, and will just make this wound never heal. Normally I can carry on with my life just fine if I am only quickly reminded of my past, but when somebody has to dig deeper and pick at the scab, it just sends me in a funk for the rest of the day, and usually leads to nightmares at some point..
My wife once brought up the question if I will ever talk to him again. I politely replied that I do not plan to, and that she should stop asking me. but time and time again she will ask the same question, only to anger me further. And today she did it again on the car ride home, after my mother had asked the same question. And this time she wouldnt let it go. I have already told her that this is a sore spot in my life that I do not care to talk to her about (since she has never met him) ... Would you talk to someone who was raped or beaten or abused about how they should try to make amends with that person that caused them pain? fuck no. While I wasnt raped , beaten or abused my my father, I still do not want to talk about it with someone who doesnt know the story. I guess thats part of my dislike for religion... Honor thy father and thy mother.... why should I forgive someone who doesnt deserve it just because he is my father? his own brother told me at my grandpas funeral "I lived with him growing up, and I know its was hard, but you should just forgive him" Why the fuck should I? what did he do that earns him forgiveness? FUCK!
Sorry about the whole rant, but I wanted to write it down, even if it falls on deaf ears. This is what goes through my head everytime someone has to bring up this subject with me... and I felt like I should write it out instead of keeping it to myself this time.