mexicant

I was sitting at work today, minding my own business while listening to A Perfect Circle, and I was suddenly reminded of you by one of their songs. I was filled with so many different emotions all at once and didnt really know what to do. I felt so happy remembering the long conversations we would have or the fun we had being flirty and asinine to each other, but I was also filled with so much pain knowing that there could have been more there if I had just showed you the person I am instead of the person I wished I was. I tried to be something with you that I couldnt live up to, and when I slipped off the fine wire it all came tumbling down.

Its been a while since Ive felt this sad, or had this hole in my heart like I do now, but I know that its ok because were both happy now. I used to dream about the way we could have been, and the times we could have had, but in the end thats all they were dreams. I could never be what you wanted or what you needed because Im not good enough for you. I know that now. I see it.

I hear of you sparingly, and honestly wished we talked more, but what I hear makes me feel better. I see that you have someone now that you honestly feel something true for and that they are reciprocating that emotion. I have someone as well now, and am completely happy with them to the point where I am hoping that this one will last. I still cant help but miss you though.

And I do see the irony in missing someone youve never met but I honestly cant help it. You were everything I wanted in a person, male or female. I used to fall asleep every night wondering if the two of us would ever be together and concocting different vacationing scenarios where the two of us could finally be together. I didnt realize the futility of those dreams before. Now I do.

You once told me that when you fall for someone you fall hard. I didnt know what you meant until now. I can say with complete honesty now that I fell for you. I fell harder than I ever had at that point. I know this now because I still miss you. I just wish we could have had a day or two of our own before I destroyed it all. I just wish I could have held you in my arms once or felt the love in your eyes as we looked at each other from across a table before I ruined it.

Call this closure if you will, but Im not so sure I will ever feel fulfilled in this. I will always miss you and dont know how to stop.

The song was The Nurse Who Loved Me by the way.