I wonder what's wrong with me all the time. I feel like complete and total shit all the fucking time. So much so that I'm usually on the verge of breaking down in tears every second of the day and I don't fucking know why.
I'm sitting here, drunk again, in a chair that I hate because it's leather and therefor came from an animal that had it's life robbed from it, and I sit here. I FUCKING SIT ON IT EVERYDAY.
I curl up in it and almost adore it cause of it's confiness, but at the same time want to kill myself because it used to live.
And I put on my shoes everyday that are suede. Why? Why do I fucking own them?! Why do I have a car with full leather interior?!?! I disgust myself sometimes.
But I digress...
heh... I say digress even when I'm drunk an depressed. Go figure.
**********
My head hurts. I feel like shit and just wish that a car would run a red light and hit me so I could finally be done with it sometimes, but then other times I'm happier than a pig in shit. I don't fucking get it.
I have a girl that I love and loves me back. She's not a head trip, she's cool, and we can have fun doing nothing. I have great friends that I can count on and know will be there when I need them. I have a good job that pays more than I should be making. I have a roof over my head. I hav food to eat. But I'm still depressed. I still want to die. WHY?!?!
I cut myself sometimes. Ok... a lot. I stopped for a while, but started again when I hit a low point. It felt good. Really fucking good. It felt so good to finally release like that, but it's not right! I'm punishing myself when I do that. I punish myself for all the bad things I've done and will do. I punsih myself because no one else will. Because I have to. Because someone has to.
And I don't fucking get it. I don't understand why I feel like this. I'm so tired of it though. I'm so tired of wishing a train would slam into my car so I could be done. So my mom could stand over my grave and finally have nice things to say about me (because no one speaks ill of the dead). And maybe people would miss me. Who knows, it might even last a weekk.
But I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to be normal. I wish I could be normal. I hurt so many people because I'm not normal. I do so many bad things because I'm not normal.
I'm just so fucking tired of it.
I'm only happy lately when I'm with my girl or with friends. But I can feel it creeping behind me. I can feel it waiting for me to be alone so it can fuck me over. So it can mess with my head again and make me atone for my sins. It's like a fucking bully that waits till you're alone to beat you up.
It's always fucking there though. It never goes away. Happiness is fleting. It always comes back. I wish I was normal. No one likes people that aren't stable. No one stays when you need them to. Every one runs cause they get scared.
I can't blame them though. I would too.
I'm sitting here, drunk again, in a chair that I hate because it's leather and therefor came from an animal that had it's life robbed from it, and I sit here. I FUCKING SIT ON IT EVERYDAY.
I curl up in it and almost adore it cause of it's confiness, but at the same time want to kill myself because it used to live.
And I put on my shoes everyday that are suede. Why? Why do I fucking own them?! Why do I have a car with full leather interior?!?! I disgust myself sometimes.
But I digress...
heh... I say digress even when I'm drunk an depressed. Go figure.
**********
My head hurts. I feel like shit and just wish that a car would run a red light and hit me so I could finally be done with it sometimes, but then other times I'm happier than a pig in shit. I don't fucking get it.
I have a girl that I love and loves me back. She's not a head trip, she's cool, and we can have fun doing nothing. I have great friends that I can count on and know will be there when I need them. I have a good job that pays more than I should be making. I have a roof over my head. I hav food to eat. But I'm still depressed. I still want to die. WHY?!?!
I cut myself sometimes. Ok... a lot. I stopped for a while, but started again when I hit a low point. It felt good. Really fucking good. It felt so good to finally release like that, but it's not right! I'm punishing myself when I do that. I punish myself for all the bad things I've done and will do. I punsih myself because no one else will. Because I have to. Because someone has to.
And I don't fucking get it. I don't understand why I feel like this. I'm so tired of it though. I'm so tired of wishing a train would slam into my car so I could be done. So my mom could stand over my grave and finally have nice things to say about me (because no one speaks ill of the dead). And maybe people would miss me. Who knows, it might even last a weekk.
But I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to be normal. I wish I could be normal. I hurt so many people because I'm not normal. I do so many bad things because I'm not normal.
I'm just so fucking tired of it.
I'm only happy lately when I'm with my girl or with friends. But I can feel it creeping behind me. I can feel it waiting for me to be alone so it can fuck me over. So it can mess with my head again and make me atone for my sins. It's like a fucking bully that waits till you're alone to beat you up.
It's always fucking there though. It never goes away. Happiness is fleting. It always comes back. I wish I was normal. No one likes people that aren't stable. No one stays when you need them to. Every one runs cause they get scared.
I can't blame them though. I would too.