I feel like this website, where people who don't personally know me, is a good a place as any to share my most personal thoughts and feelings.
About six months ago ended the longest and best relationship I've ever had. I've never been with someone so loving and perfect in my entire life. No one has ever understood me the way she did, and a combination of long distance and my own lack of appreciation led to it's inevitable demise.
She was my best friend. The four years we spent together (besides the last 6 months where we were anywhere between 4 and 8 hours away because of her job) truly changed me as a person for the better. I grew into a mature man with life goals and ambitions, which I have her to thank for. I saw her as absolutely perfect in every way. We loved the same music, movies, food, had the same friends, had an absolutely amazing sex life, and I couldn't find anything I could change about us.
What I think set off everything in a downward spiral was when she had the miscarriage. Shortly after she graduated college and started working somewhat locally in her field, she called me at work one day and told me to come home. I did, and she told me she was pregnant. I already have a daughter from an extremely shitty relationship when I was barely 18, so I knew exactly what I was in for. I wasn't excited at first, but later I became excited, because of who she was. She was always excited. Her life goal was to be successful in her career, and have children. Then, out of the blue, at 3 in the morning, she woke me up screaming. Blood was all over the bathroom floor and I knew what happened. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
After that, nothing was the same. She felt cheated, and insufficient, like she was incapable of being a mother, or anything of the sort, and I was always stressed about money, work, and my future, which made me emotionally distant in her time of need. A few months went by and she landed her dream job. I was so happy for her. I thought everything was falling into place. I thought her job would be my ticket out of my situation, because I KNEW we would always be together. Then things got... complicated.
Her first job was a temporary training position, so I knew it would be pointless to try to look for a job where she currently was, so I waited. And waited. And waited. Even with constant battles and fights about money, and who was going to drive to who, we made it work for about 5 months before she was finally ready to take the permanent position. Then, a month after she got the position and I was looking and applying for jobs in her area, she drove to me and told me we needed to talk.
I've never been so hurt over a break up. I guess it was mostly because of how unexpected it was, it felt like a bullet to the chest. I was so sure of our permanence, that I had an engagement ring picket out that I was saving for (it was about $1200), I had a place that I was going to ask her (a peak off grandfather mountain near Asheville NC), and even a song picked out for our wedding (Northern Wind by City and Colour) that described us perfectly. Funny thing is, I never wanted to get married (for political and religious reasons), but she made me want that for her, because I loved her that much. But none of that matters now because she's made it perfectly clear that she's done. And I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me.
I guess what I'm getting at is how am I supposed to move on? They say that getting over someone means forgetting them. How am I supposed to forget someone that was that much a part of my life? Someone that I wanted to be my last. Someone that I was looking forward to growing old with. Someone that was almost the mother of my child. I've tried rebounding, but I only hurt someone awesome who grew to care about me. I've tried just being alone and keeping myself busy, and erasing everything and throwing everything away that even remotely reminded me of her, but I still dream about her and the memory of her haunts me every morning.