mei

i don't understand how traffic cops can do their jobs. coercive, intimidating motherfuckers, stealing my money. and if you're a traffic policeman somewhere out there in sg land, fuck you. i loathe you. i don't want you to die, but i want to bite a big hole in your arm and spit out a big chunk of your skin. the traffic system is by its very nature corrupt. you get PAID by the money you take from people. the traffic system works by a preponderance of the evidence. when that is your word against mine, and the judge believes your word just a little bit more because you're a policeman, that entire system goes to SHIT.

if you can't tell, i got a speeding ticket. my boy had left his paycheck in my car, so i was going to meet him for lunch. get partway there, and realize that i don't have the check. i tear apart the car, drive home, look for it, can't find it. afraid that he'll yell at me, because it sucks to have lost your paycheck. afraid too that he'll yell because i'm late. so i speed a little - not even that much. not as much as the ticket was written for. get pulled over. the policeman feels like he's being nice because he writes it for 75 in a 55 (instead of 76). you can see the altruistic gleam in his eyes. goddamn shit-eating son of a fucking bitch. he leaves and i pound the steering wheel and scream - the first time i've ever screamed involuntarily - there is so much anger i just can't do anything else. i get to my boy's workplace, and he holds up the check - he had it, but his cell phone died so he couldn't call me and tell me. circumstance. does the policeman realize that? does he realize that he has not done anything to make the roads truly safer, but that he just ruined my day? that that money was supposed to go mostly to buying insurance and repairs for my other car? i would lie awake at night if i knew that other people hated me as much as i'm sure every person he pulls over hates him.

i was going to write about how happy i was, that i got to eat lunch with my sweetie. that i was excited to go shopping for new clothes and go to yoga. i'm so shaky from anger that i don't think i'll go to yoga today. it would probably make me cry more.

here is your curse, mr. policeman: i hope that someday you can feel the guilt for the thousands of small unhappinesses that you have caused to people, as your livelihood. i hope you can feel it physically, that you feel the shaky twisted stinging nausea of it. i hope you can realize it, and regret. with every particle of your being. regret not doing something worthwhile with your life. regret causing so many small tears in people, in the name of a safety that you don't really cause. i was more dangerous in the twenty minutes after i got that ticket than i was in the two weeks before. i was crying and shaking so hard that i couldn't see or drive. i was swerving all over the place - and i didn't care.

i know i'm overreacting. that's fine. that's what i feel right now. i think i need to go read something - i need to be somewhere else.