mediapuzzle

wish I had a god. One that I could talk. Talking to god is nice meditation. Its so easy to get caught up in your minds internal chatter. Hard to make it stop. Talking to god would make it stop. Still the mind. Take the focus away from self. The self is evil and is the ruin of great men. The great search is really about the search for emptiness , or god, or friends.

at first i didn't like him. i disliked his negative view of the world. i had no interest in being drawn into dark ugly places. life is hard enough without being faced with someone else's pain and despair. the cigarettes. the alcohol. the lack of respect for authority. society. it just didn't appeal to me.

later i began to appreciate him as an artist. his unique voice, representative of a group of people worldwide. the loners. the outcasts. the failures. the addicts. the disenfranchised. he gave them a voice. everyone deserves to be heard. despite his alcoholism, his pock marked skin, his almost constant pain, he was himself. he was prepared to say take me or leave me but here i am. i admire that.

finally he made me feel good. though really in a bad way. a selfish vain way. i thought i was ugly. but compared to him i was beautiful. seeing him kill himself with drink and cigarettes and still be attractive to women was a revelation to me. i realised that what he said was right. women will be drawn to something of value, of substance. looks are not important. who you are is whats important. whats inside and what you can give.

finally, this gave me hope.