maxi

So last night I spent the evening at the President of my companies house crafting with his wife, making Mother's Day Cards, I was totally blocked creatively, I couldn't crank out anything I was proud of. oh well Mothers day will come and go.
Speaking of Mothers Again! spoke to mine yesterday, and basically told her I don't give a shit anymore if she is high or not, and I'm sick of having a family of addicts, and she should put her self in my shoes and see how she would feel if I was on and off drugs all my life. and that I was embarrassed and I just don't care anymore, so don't bother lying or hiding it and I'm not patting her or my sister on the back every time they come out of rehab, its like a fucking turnstile with them. Rehab is used as a means of convenience for them not a lesson or a tool to get your life back together. I told her I don't care if she doesn't want to hear it, she can be pissed forever for all I care. Whatever, I gotta worry about me!

FYI, Raspberry Lime Ricky's are made from a Syrup, Fruit flavor ( raspberry) poured over ice/ sprite and lime juice and limes. very tasty, really quenches your thirst.

Last night Ant came home from hanging with his old friends he doesn't see often, playing music jamming what ever you call it, so he comes home talking about food for an hour and a half, mind you its now 1:30 am so I'm all hyped to get out of bed and head to the Melrose Diner, for Fries, and Pie and what ever else hits my Food Mood, then he flakes out and goes to sleep! WTF that's like Food Foreplay! like a food Tease! so now I'm all tired and fucking starving! We talked about going to Bob Evans Diner the sausage place for Sausage Gravy and biscuits this Saturday. well see, I know there is one off the NJ turnpike.

Dr.s Appt tomorrow, follow up on the rash,SO far since I have been on the Prednisone ( steroids) I have not been anymore hungry than usual,and I don't really see a change in my moods, that is out of the ordinary for the crap I am currently enduring.
Now that I'm not itching to death, I'm concerned about the spots scaring. not sure if the tee tree or the cocoa butter is more suitable for scar prevention?

Got my Tax check yesterday, but I plan on dumping the whole thing to pay a portion of my CC and try to put a major dent in the debt of my laptop. once I do that I will only owe that card under $1000.00

yesterday I brought a shitload of that Dutch Licorice fruit twist, I must have got $10 worth, it was like almost like 8 lb or more , all diff flavors.

So on the relationship front, I wrote an questionnaire for Ant but I don't want to give it to him till June, when we both part for the first time and spend the most time we have ever been apart ever, give him a chance to think clearly about what it is he really wants out of life and possibly a relationship. I will be away on my Photo shoots for like 5 days and he will be away at a conference for about the same. I just hope I can hold out that long, its like 5 weeks away, he already can sense I'm not myself. Well it's hard to be yourself when you feel like your in Limbo and your not sure what direction your going in, but you know there is going to be a major decision soon. basically. when I make my settlement on my property with my Ex, at the same time I have to move before the winter, due to high Gas bills, so I need to decide whether or not to move forward with a new place to live and possibly new investment on living, and weather or not that includes him or not, its been mostly a horrible year for this relationship, so many tears, and such, I just want to be settled and I don't mean married, in my life. I want to know I can depend on someone or at least have that gut instinct that I can. and right now I Don't and its tearing me up inside. Part of me needs to slap myself in the face, What am I doing even second guessing if someone wants to share my life with me, I have so much to offer and so many great qualities it shouldn't even be a hesitation, and why do I want to be with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with be. why am I selling myself so short all of a sudden, its Not me, I'm not like that, I am the person who says " if you got the least bit of doubt that you may not want my company I'm outta here!
Love is blind and I need a new pair of glasses.

Craving of the day: ANYTHING right now, give me some ideas!
OCDF: 80% still struggling