another Monday and another broken heart, working on about 1 and a half hours of sleep, this by far has been the worst winter and weekend ever, on top of seasonal depression, more depression about a deteriorating love life, I feel like my heart has been extricated from my chest, never to return. for all regular readers of my journal out of hundreds here, I feel the need to warn you that it will become dark and sad and probably just down right not fun to read. not even Food can make me happy right now. I don't eat never mind enjoy eating when I feel this low and empty. over numerous fights in the past year of living with ant, and a bottle neck of arguments this past winter to date it has been an agonizing painful view to see us divided over Porn, my dislike for it in my relationship and his addiction to it, I say addiction because he can not or is not able to do without it, or the rush he gets from it. please I don't want to hear anyone's reasoning for why men need or can't do without it or why and how its not a personal thing . I have heard it all before and I don't dispute it , all I know is it is a cancer in this relationship and makes me feel like I don't complete the job of a lover and partner.
its really hard to work with someone in the same office that you love and feel is or was THE ONE. that one that you know you will never find that completes you. and then have to see their face there and at home after you have broken up as a last resort. its no comfort to me to know the man I love more than anyone I have ever loved can not live with out the need to see other people in a sexual way and get off to them and I am the furthest thing from his mind at that time, at that time I don't even exist. I gave everything I had in me physically, emotionally, and mentally to this man. I left my husband because I fell in love with him and my husband had not been able to be intimate with me and instead preferred Porn. it sucks so bad to be at this point of the relationship, when all I can remember is how badly we just wanted to be with each other. and now... I just have no hope, just empty and deflated, emotionally, no one to really talk to. my friends are sorta detached so I am in my own to deal and get through this. I feel like a teenager who has had her first heartbreak and has no clue why things can't change. I have to sit at the front desk where he crosses my path 40 hours a week. and try not to turn into a blubbering mess.
I have made lots of good food this weekend for us but I can't really express them today.
its really hard to work with someone in the same office that you love and feel is or was THE ONE. that one that you know you will never find that completes you. and then have to see their face there and at home after you have broken up as a last resort. its no comfort to me to know the man I love more than anyone I have ever loved can not live with out the need to see other people in a sexual way and get off to them and I am the furthest thing from his mind at that time, at that time I don't even exist. I gave everything I had in me physically, emotionally, and mentally to this man. I left my husband because I fell in love with him and my husband had not been able to be intimate with me and instead preferred Porn. it sucks so bad to be at this point of the relationship, when all I can remember is how badly we just wanted to be with each other. and now... I just have no hope, just empty and deflated, emotionally, no one to really talk to. my friends are sorta detached so I am in my own to deal and get through this. I feel like a teenager who has had her first heartbreak and has no clue why things can't change. I have to sit at the front desk where he crosses my path 40 hours a week. and try not to turn into a blubbering mess.
I have made lots of good food this weekend for us but I can't really express them today.
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[Edited on Mar 16, 2005 5:08AM]
[Edited on Mar 16, 2005 6:38AM]