maxi

ok I'm back to whine, This place is my only correspondence to what is going on, other than the a co worker whom lives behind me Chris, whom going through a break up as well, Good thing he lives so close to me, because i needed a man this morning.

yesterday i sent Ant an email telling him that i understood him, which is really all he wanted, but then i told him that it won't change my reaction and feelings to his actions and choices he makes because of whom he is, and how much I was going to miss him and what i appreciated about him or gained from our time together. As hurt and crushed as I am, I wanted to still be grateful for not only the pain he has put me through but all the other reasons that he gave me to stay with him during that time.

I am still having sporadic emotional crying fits through out the day, and i still have to see him at work, it makes it really hard. He left it at telling me to contact him if i wanted to try to mend it i guess more or less in his email response. I did not call him though, I really wanted to hear his voice.

I had to ask my Ex Husband to bring me dog food because i had no way of getting to the market since Ant left, I let him come in and see the dogs for about 10 mins. kinda weird to have him in there with all the pics and stuff that Ant and i Shared still there.

I haven't been eating dinner since Ant left on Sunday, I find it hard to think about eating or mess around in the kitchen while the mice were there. I set real snap traps for the 1st time yesterday, I really didn't want to because i hate to kill anything that is an animals, but they are way too smart to take tot he No kill ones i wasted money on. After my husband left, I smoked a little, cried myself to sleep on the couch, then went to bed. finally i got some overdue sleep. I hear noises but figured it was the mice having fun again, of messing with the dog bowls. well this morning there were 2 dead in the traps, i felt so bad and so creeped out, I'm sure they were cute. So I called Chris and asked him to come over this morning to rid the traps. I really miss having the safety of a man around the house.
It's been so long since i have felt this magnitude of sadness and loneliness that i see not end in sight, I am no where near the end of the tunnel to even see light, I know it Exist, but to tell you the truth if i didn't have those 3 little dogs in my life, I could see me thinking stupid thoughts.

Now to get through today and the rest of the weekend alone.