mavericka

started to get chest pains last night so i went to the hospital, they said i have heart damage from the bad habit i quit three years ago that shall not be named but that i wasn't in imediate danger. They wanted to keep me for more tests but i was just getting more upset the longer i stayed there finally decided i'd rather die at home if it even comes to that. I never thought i'd walk out of a hospital against orders like jerm does all the time, always looked down my nose at him for that, but thats exactly what i did. I get back and find some less than supportive messages. honestly when i sit here and admit that the problem is me frustrated at my own self destructiveness i don't need to be kicked when i'm down.
and for clarification it originally was one person upset with me, who was actually worth fighting for, and things just built up to a point last night that i was resenting all the time i spend sitting around wondering if people are mad at me. Online i get off on being provacative so i need to learn to suck it up when i push buttons but the problem is so much worse in my every day because i turn retarded when i really like someone, and i really like a lot of people, escecially at the playhouse. but when it comes time to interact with any of them i'm a retarded deer in headlights and they usually just think i'm a bitch. People probably think i don't like them at the playhouse because i run up and hide in the tech booth and just flinch and walk away when they try to interact and the truth is the opposite, they are all special and important to me pretty much, even the few i don't like as strange as that sounds, everyone has something really wonderful about them, and i just can't trust myself to talk to any of them without making a complete fool out of myself.
I have friends my own age around here that i can talk to much easier but all they do is stand around in each others back yards and barbque and get fucked up on anything they can get their hands on and i just can't hang, i've never been high enough in my life. i can't play i go alll the way.
to end this positively they gave me breathing treatments that has my asthma doing better than it has in years, and i feel a lot better being home, and not being alone torturing myself in the middle of the night. and i get to do the play again tonight which i've really been enjoying, everytime i see a performance its like for the first time, maybe because its live theatre and its never the same twice.