mavericka

i can't believe i have friends that read my crappy emotional vomit journals. late nights when all the stuff i block out won't be ignored this is actually a comfort. its embarrassing, baring myself. flying my emo flag. but its important to get stuff out of my head sometimes. And the friends i'm blessed with that actually bother to read and care and respond say helpful things. Thank you.
Maybe its not vomiting, maybe its masterbation, perhaps as I stroke the keys i'm stroking myself. Happyness huh? so what makes me happy. Laying up in bed at night, with a lover, laughing about everything and nothing, giggling till jiggly parts jiggle. Thats the best. I haven't had that in a long time. why is thinking about what makes me happy making me cry? Laying with my head on a hairy chest, listening to a heartbeat, not just anyone but someone, thats great too. Somehow it makes everything right in the world.
Yeah thats what makes me happy, but i really don't think i could live with anyone long term without wanting to kill them eventually. does that mean i'm looking at random hairy chests the rest of my life. no. love happens wether you want it or not. it can happen when you don't want it to, and it can stop when you don't want it to. and in my expirience when you want it and look for it is when your least likely to find it. I was with this guy that lives here in my town for awhile, everything was great, he seemed like what i needed. and then i just woke up one day and couldn't stand him. thats still scares the crap out of me. how could i someday swear forever before god when i know that can happen. but love makes fools out of people, and i shall surely be a fool again.
Damn i sound like such a snooty stupid bitch. thats probably accurate.
So my wise comrades, what is the key to trusting someone. hell anyone. 10 years ago someone pointed out to me that i don't trust anyone. And i realised instantly it was true. I don't even trust my own mother. And I try, i have tried, i do try. But trying doesn't seem to make it happen. I don't even trust god, and maybe thats what it all comes down to. So how do i trust? At the moment the whole concept of trust seems wack. What do i start with faith, and then the trust follows?
crap i drank too much coffee today. it was really fucking good though. i got gourmet godiva hazelnut. i used to think all coffee was the same but thats so not true.
went to see my shrink today, it was fun going to the city and eating out and we bought a cd to listen to on the trip home and i actually started thinking about my story for the first time in a while. My shrink is sending me for bloodwork, he wants to see if its safe to put me on even more medication. Because of some stuff that went down i was so mad at his secretary and him when i went in there. Been mad about it for awhile. But of course when i went in there i was all sweet and polite, yes sir no maam thank you thank you thank you. I have no spine. It happens with my friends to. So many things i want to say to them but i just sit there and tell them whatever they want to hear. I have no spine. Online seems to be the only place i can tell people to fuck off. I'm not sure if thats a good or bad thing. Despite all my rage i'm still just a rat in a cage. That was todays song.
i want a hairy chest to lay my head on, and cool clean sheets on a king sized bed. i want someone thats not gonna bail when the going gets tough. and warm hands on me. i want the history channel to have a show once in a while thats not about hitler. I want Aerosmith to go back to raunchy rock and roll and not aim for pop bullshit that will take them to number one on the charts. just once i wanna see george bush have any expression on his face besides the i'm an idiot one he always has. i wanna look on the outside the way i feel on the inside. i don't recognise who i see in mirrors. yeah but mostly i want to hear someones heart beat, in person. I'd even settle for a chest without hair.