mavericka

Don't really have anything interesting to say but i haven't posted in awhile. I've been in a total funk. Nothing bad has happened, i'm not miserable, everything has just been blah. Maybe its a girl time of the month thing and it will pass. Hell it will pass. I never manage to stay in one mood for a full week even. I'm listening to flyleaf but in my head i'm singing that fiona apple song. yeah its one of those nights. I've been so very bad, and its the best i've felt in awhile. Beast or victim, very little do i seem to be anywhere in between. That brings to mind that saying "Half measures will avail us nothing" theres more to it, i did a search but couldn't find the rest. Someone did me wrong and hell shall rain from the sky. Its a very sad thing when someone earns themselves a place on my no mercy list. It's not easy to accomplish either. Making it on the list that is. I come up with excuses for people all the time. The people here in my town that are my friends have all screwed me over worse than my enemys. But I'm nice to them still, i give them rides and buy them food occasionally. Truely i do try to avoid them, but when they need help its hard to say no, and they seem to need help on a regular basis. It must be nice to live in the black and white world most people seem to. Everythings grey from where I'm sitting. Real friends don't do this, or that. Yes they do, they are human and they fuck up like everyone else. If they really love you they won't, its not love if that happens. Who's to say that? There's no logic to love anyway. I know a couple where the woman stabbed her husband in the back, the knife broke off in his back, and yet she still stabbed him again. and they are still together. And yet then theres the couple that got a divorce because the wife told her husband to turn off the crock pot and he didn't.
I don't know what to do, i should be all happy and having fun all day. Things have been going great, we're not worry about money for the moment. But i just don't want to do anything, I don't want to write. I don't know what i want. Just to crawl under a rock maybe? I feel like i've neglected online friends alittle, but i don't know what to say. Everythings fine, but everythings wrong, and i don't know why. you could give me all the money in the world, any and as many lovers as i wanted, perfect body, never have a bad hair day, and i think this thing that is missing would still be missing. i just go through my non life constantly distracting myself with people and toys and god knows what else, like i'm running from something. hiding. covering it up with crap.
All I used to want was someone to love me, it seemed impossible, but it happened, someone loved me just the way i am faults and all. Everything was going good, i had everything i'd ever thought i'd wanted short of being on the tonight show. and i can remember, i was standing in my kitchen and i thought, i've got everything i ever wanted, so why am i not happy? wow ya know. my uncle was the same way, he was handsome good with the ladies, vice president of the biggest bank in the world, at one time, had the whole wife and kids and house in the suberbs. and he was miserable. grandma finally asked him one time, well what WOULD make you happy. and he couldn't answer her. he didn't know. he died less than a month later.
Reading over all of this i sound evil or miserable but really neither is true, just thinking outloud, or whatever you'd call it.
My dad wrote me another letter. he said the fathers day card meant a lot to him. he sent pictures with this letter, after looking at them a couple of times i realised they were vacation photos. he was somewhere tropical posing with exotic plants. but his letter didn't talk about having fun on vacation or mention one at all, he just talked about how he was sick and on 4 different kinds of medication, but he didn't say what he was sick with. i realised every single letter any of us has gotten from him since my parents divorce has been a feel sorry for me letter. victim or beast, very seldom anywhere in between.