mavericka

i think i got an hours sleep, just as the sun was coming up. It'll have to do. I had a one of those cruel dreams again. A dream where I am happy and relieved to be back together with a man I'll never see again. In those dreams it really feels like things are going to be ok. And then I wake up, and yeah some day things will be ok again. But I'll never get back what I lost. Those dreams won't come true. They are cruel. And I'm not about to lay back down and have another one. I have to find a way to waste time till the funeral this afternoon. I can't seem to decide if i'm too hot or too cold. I'm glad I won't be alone, there will be an army of people there, and we can all ponder what the fuck went wrong. He's the closest person to me I've ever had die so far. I'm kinda shocked how fucked up it has me but i guess it shouldn't. This is what happens when people die.