self improvement is masturbation, they say.
I remember the day I decided that my life was a movie. that I would live my life as if it were a film, and since I would of course want it to be some brilliant Cannes winning indie film that revolutionized postmodern thinking (*gets out the lube*), this decision had some implications.
one, it meant that I must keep my life interesting. I like this. it has kept me well dressed, well spoken, open to adventure, and a straight 'A' student. it has kept me open minded, open hearted, and full of moXie. all of these good things.
two, if I was to be the protagonist in this film (which was, of course, the intention), I would have to be a Good Person. the kind of person that audiences root for. this has kept me honest, humble, self-sacrificing, caring, generous, and empathetic. all of those qualities that make someone an admirable person, a Good Person.
deciding to live my life as a movie has served me in much the same way that religion does for others. except instead of God keeping tabs on me, it's my audience.
of course, I'm not delusional. I know there is no audience. the only people paying attention, as far as I'm concerned, are me, and in the back of my mind, my mother. but since she is dead and I can't converse with her, I've only got my own mind to keep me in line.
thing is, I'm really fucking sick of starring in this movie. it's exhausting, constantly questioning every action I make. must be good, must be the hero, must be interesting, must be a better person.
I mean, it's good to grow, to evolve as a person. but to be so incredibly self critical...to think that you can decide to be a certain way, and then be that. gah....
I remember being 16 and acting without thinking. just being, just living my life and speaking without thinking and not wanting anyones approval - even myselfs. not constantly questioning if I was 'being the kind of person that I want to be'.
of course, I made a shitload of bad decisions back then.
heres the part where I do that thing that makes me cringe every time I see another girl do it.
*pours heart out in moment of complete unabashed honesty*
*blames it on PMS*
I remember the day I decided that my life was a movie. that I would live my life as if it were a film, and since I would of course want it to be some brilliant Cannes winning indie film that revolutionized postmodern thinking (*gets out the lube*), this decision had some implications.
one, it meant that I must keep my life interesting. I like this. it has kept me well dressed, well spoken, open to adventure, and a straight 'A' student. it has kept me open minded, open hearted, and full of moXie. all of these good things.
two, if I was to be the protagonist in this film (which was, of course, the intention), I would have to be a Good Person. the kind of person that audiences root for. this has kept me honest, humble, self-sacrificing, caring, generous, and empathetic. all of those qualities that make someone an admirable person, a Good Person.
deciding to live my life as a movie has served me in much the same way that religion does for others. except instead of God keeping tabs on me, it's my audience.
of course, I'm not delusional. I know there is no audience. the only people paying attention, as far as I'm concerned, are me, and in the back of my mind, my mother. but since she is dead and I can't converse with her, I've only got my own mind to keep me in line.
thing is, I'm really fucking sick of starring in this movie. it's exhausting, constantly questioning every action I make. must be good, must be the hero, must be interesting, must be a better person.
I mean, it's good to grow, to evolve as a person. but to be so incredibly self critical...to think that you can decide to be a certain way, and then be that. gah....
I remember being 16 and acting without thinking. just being, just living my life and speaking without thinking and not wanting anyones approval - even myselfs. not constantly questioning if I was 'being the kind of person that I want to be'.
of course, I made a shitload of bad decisions back then.
heres the part where I do that thing that makes me cringe every time I see another girl do it.
*pours heart out in moment of complete unabashed honesty*
*blames it on PMS*
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
The unfortunate part of living life as a movie is the lack of an editing room. There's just so much filler, and not enough action, or true emotion through a good bit of it. Alot of the acting seems trite, but the real surges of humanity make that perspective worth while.