There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
I've been super depressed lately. I honestly wish I could pin point exactly why or where it is coming from. And I'm sure there will be those people who read this blog and go "She just wants attention" or "Just take a deep breath, it can't be that bad."
There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.
I wish I could just "take a deep breath" and the feelings of anxiety, worries, anger and depression would just disappear. If there was a magic fix, trust me, I'd use it. There is nothing more I would want. Depression is something you can't just "shake off". It doesn't matter what anyone says to you or does, it doesn't just go away. I have done the therapies, the medications, I have tried to help myself and it does get better for awhile and then it goes right back into the black hole...worse than it was before.
That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.
It could be the fact that my MS is getting worse and I know it. What used to be numbness on only my left side, is now on my right. It could be that I now have Vitiligo (a skin disease in which my pigment is attacked by my own body and creating huge white patches all over), which is caused by auto immune diseases. It could be that I feel as though I'm being rushed to plan a wedding that I am unsure I even want at this point due to the fact that we have no money to do it right and my "dream" wedding is now just turning into a family cook out. It could be that work sucks. It could be that I work my ass off at everything I do and get ZERO rewards for any of it. I wish I could say...
The feeling of anxiousness is just astonishing. I wake up in the morning and for a few brief seconds I feel fine before I actually realize where I am and that my life is still the same, then those feelings hit me like a ton of bricks.
People don't understand the mental stress that depression has on someone. Too many people put it off as someone who is just "woe is me" and being an Eeyore character. "This is the worse day of my life." But at that moment, when you're in your dark cloud....it IS the worst day ever...you DO feel like you're just going to die at that moment. There is nothing else. You don't see or hear the world around you, it's a fog that cuddles you so deeply that it's smothering.
Have I thought about suicide? Hell yes I have. I have even attempted it a few years ago. There is something comforting knowing you could just end all the suffering with one swipe of a blade. In the words of Slipknot "Fix my problems with a blade, as my eyes turn from blue to grey, the worse thing happened to me today, but I guess I don't care anymore, FUCK!" And that's exactly how it feels. Would I attempt suicide now? No..Probably not. Mostly because my mother already lost a daughter this year and I know how it would hurt her and those others around me. But sometimes, honestly, it's comforting to think about.
When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone
Why am I even writing this to people who don't even really know me? Most of you probably could care less and I apologize for such a boring blog. But sometimes also, it's nice to have a stranger listen....even if people don't read the entire context of what I'm writing, just putting it out there is a small release.
These past 5 years have been hell for me. A constant up and down of emotions. Being diagnosed with Ms, Vitiligo, losing a job, strugging for income and then Losing my sister in Feb really brought me back to some dark places or self harm and drug use...which even my family doesn't know about. It's been very rough losing someone so close...by such a freak accident.
There are no words anyone could say to take away the pain. People who want to sit there and say depression or any mental disease is not a disease and people just need to move on, need a slap to the face. If people actually listened or gave a shit about those people who were silently suffering....maybe we would have less suicide or even homicide. Please think about that if you have a friend who is depressed....just be there....even if you say nothing.
The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
Mara
