JOURNAL:
BEFORE THE DEPRESSING STUFF - I am going to post tomorrow some information but I am having people over for Bohemian Tuesday, my girlfriend has been having noise complaints at her place and, since I am moving this weekend, I do not give a fuck. So yeah, I will post information here tomorrow, including the address cuz, at this point, stalkers are not the worst thing for 5 days...
**********************************
Back to our regularly scheduled program.
So I finally got to sleep at 3:30-ish in the afternoon. I was so wakeable until about 6:30 at night... Then I was out! Corvette and his buddy went out for awhile in the afternoon. I felt so bad for not being able to even leave my house. I was so upset about seeing my ex late saturday night that I just went off the deep end and broke my sobriety.. I did not want to do any of the powder anymore but seeing what I saw threw me over the edge.. and I was doing some serious amounts... I deserved being miserable (and I mean it, I was so hurting, the excuse of self-medication), but my guests did not.
I woke up this morning @ 5 am and then realized I was well rested. Great. Normally I would just turn on the tv and smoke a bowl, waste time, but I did not want to. I did not want to be high - but I was feeling a lot of pain. So I texted the ex because I needed to know about the sex thing (if, when we slept together two weeks ago, that he still had not been with anyone else) and he called me back. I heard his alarm at the shop across the street (see why I cannot bear my house? the only reason! so close to him!) so I made a comment since he said he was at work and he said, "ah, yeah, my personal assistant did not put in the right code to the alarm." Now - first off, him and his mom are the ONLY two who know the alarm code for the system at his strore; he would not even let me see it when we were together. Then I said, "ah, personal assistant. I would think she would have another title by now" and he said, "actually, yes she does."
SLAP IN THE FACE.
And that is just the beginning of what has been going on. His friends who have called me expressing concern for him, even his sort of friends/more like do drugs with him people, have asked me what is up. They miss me, and they want to know where the fuck this chick came from out of the blue who calls his house her house, tells people what to do, and is so new to the game that she does not even know who his best friend is but treated that friend like shit when he was over. This friend, his BFF, told me that he could not even stand being at my ex's house for ten minutes, there were just all these people he did not know (and he has known my ex for a NUMBER of years, he knows all the people) doing fat rails and not paying for it. That is a lot of drugs, drugs that are not being sold but given away and my ex is not even caring. And he gave her access to his stash of product - access I got only because I was a business partner before and earned it. It is like he is drowning himself in the high just to ignore it reality of it all. And as I am realizing this, at 5 in the morning after during and after conversation...
I realize I did the same thing this weekend.
"I am so weak", I realized.
And he said no by the way, about the sex thing but I still do not really believe it - so I am going to get tested anyway. Upon that beginning of a good whirlwind of thoughts, I called my friend Demitre from Phoenix. He used to live here and actually was one of the people I used to hang with a whole bunch and smoke weed with. He is also the only person who ever saw me at my worst while I did that white powder, 11 am on a thursday morning to clean house was the excuse (I was really pathetic, I cannot even believe it). He just had a baby, a son, a few days ago. I asked him if it is changing any of his habits (he also is addicted to the same drug my ex is using, glass) and he said it was just matainence now, he is not all loopy all the time. Hearing that, as much as I love "D", it made my heart sad. I told him that he had to make a choice and he has good motivation for it. I cannot say anymore, I just see now where I was practically throwing myself into the ex to by wanting the fairy tale - and realized that I would not want to be in that position with him, thank god for the little amount of success.
Now I do not want to say all meth addicts cannot change - I am a big fan of the success of AA etc. But most do not (it is a fact), and the ones who go straight think about getting high and have that same level of temptation every day for the rest of their lives in the same intensity as the first day of quiting, day one or year 20. And when I asked my ex if he would start again after we broke up, he said nonchalantly, "Probably".
This morning started with me feeling sorry for myself that I could not keep the ex from falling and drowning... and then, after talking to my friend Demitre and then my step-dad for awhile, I realized that I was not able to cry for him. I was refusing to, he is making his own bed and I only want happiness for him. But I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE. I cannot be the one to fix it, he has to do that on his own. I just do not want to watch him fall like he is, plumiting. I know I sound dramatic, but in 2 weeks he has gone back to the party favor guy who just has open house and a coked out nitwit of a girl leaching off him.
I asked him on friday if he was happy. He just laughed and did not answer. I wondered why.
After admitting that I have no power/position to do or say anything (and really can't even if I wanted to), I have accepted that THANK GOD I AM MOVING! And once I decided that I would not cry or be sad for the break up (as in HE HAS A NEW FUCK) since I am the one better off and moving on to better things and more worthy partners... like my Prince Charming.
The sadness can remain, and it is okay. I am content with that part. I just need to take care of me. It has been a long time since I have had that attention. Years perhaps.
Wish me luck, words of encouragement are so needed. Leave me a note if you got through this.
Mahalo,
~ the angel*
BEFORE THE DEPRESSING STUFF - I am going to post tomorrow some information but I am having people over for Bohemian Tuesday, my girlfriend has been having noise complaints at her place and, since I am moving this weekend, I do not give a fuck. So yeah, I will post information here tomorrow, including the address cuz, at this point, stalkers are not the worst thing for 5 days...
**********************************
Back to our regularly scheduled program.
So I finally got to sleep at 3:30-ish in the afternoon. I was so wakeable until about 6:30 at night... Then I was out! Corvette and his buddy went out for awhile in the afternoon. I felt so bad for not being able to even leave my house. I was so upset about seeing my ex late saturday night that I just went off the deep end and broke my sobriety.. I did not want to do any of the powder anymore but seeing what I saw threw me over the edge.. and I was doing some serious amounts... I deserved being miserable (and I mean it, I was so hurting, the excuse of self-medication), but my guests did not.
I woke up this morning @ 5 am and then realized I was well rested. Great. Normally I would just turn on the tv and smoke a bowl, waste time, but I did not want to. I did not want to be high - but I was feeling a lot of pain. So I texted the ex because I needed to know about the sex thing (if, when we slept together two weeks ago, that he still had not been with anyone else) and he called me back. I heard his alarm at the shop across the street (see why I cannot bear my house? the only reason! so close to him!) so I made a comment since he said he was at work and he said, "ah, yeah, my personal assistant did not put in the right code to the alarm." Now - first off, him and his mom are the ONLY two who know the alarm code for the system at his strore; he would not even let me see it when we were together. Then I said, "ah, personal assistant. I would think she would have another title by now" and he said, "actually, yes she does."
SLAP IN THE FACE.
And that is just the beginning of what has been going on. His friends who have called me expressing concern for him, even his sort of friends/more like do drugs with him people, have asked me what is up. They miss me, and they want to know where the fuck this chick came from out of the blue who calls his house her house, tells people what to do, and is so new to the game that she does not even know who his best friend is but treated that friend like shit when he was over. This friend, his BFF, told me that he could not even stand being at my ex's house for ten minutes, there were just all these people he did not know (and he has known my ex for a NUMBER of years, he knows all the people) doing fat rails and not paying for it. That is a lot of drugs, drugs that are not being sold but given away and my ex is not even caring. And he gave her access to his stash of product - access I got only because I was a business partner before and earned it. It is like he is drowning himself in the high just to ignore it reality of it all. And as I am realizing this, at 5 in the morning after during and after conversation...
I realize I did the same thing this weekend.
"I am so weak", I realized.
And he said no by the way, about the sex thing but I still do not really believe it - so I am going to get tested anyway. Upon that beginning of a good whirlwind of thoughts, I called my friend Demitre from Phoenix. He used to live here and actually was one of the people I used to hang with a whole bunch and smoke weed with. He is also the only person who ever saw me at my worst while I did that white powder, 11 am on a thursday morning to clean house was the excuse (I was really pathetic, I cannot even believe it). He just had a baby, a son, a few days ago. I asked him if it is changing any of his habits (he also is addicted to the same drug my ex is using, glass) and he said it was just matainence now, he is not all loopy all the time. Hearing that, as much as I love "D", it made my heart sad. I told him that he had to make a choice and he has good motivation for it. I cannot say anymore, I just see now where I was practically throwing myself into the ex to by wanting the fairy tale - and realized that I would not want to be in that position with him, thank god for the little amount of success.
Now I do not want to say all meth addicts cannot change - I am a big fan of the success of AA etc. But most do not (it is a fact), and the ones who go straight think about getting high and have that same level of temptation every day for the rest of their lives in the same intensity as the first day of quiting, day one or year 20. And when I asked my ex if he would start again after we broke up, he said nonchalantly, "Probably".
This morning started with me feeling sorry for myself that I could not keep the ex from falling and drowning... and then, after talking to my friend Demitre and then my step-dad for awhile, I realized that I was not able to cry for him. I was refusing to, he is making his own bed and I only want happiness for him. But I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE. I cannot be the one to fix it, he has to do that on his own. I just do not want to watch him fall like he is, plumiting. I know I sound dramatic, but in 2 weeks he has gone back to the party favor guy who just has open house and a coked out nitwit of a girl leaching off him.
I asked him on friday if he was happy. He just laughed and did not answer. I wondered why.
After admitting that I have no power/position to do or say anything (and really can't even if I wanted to), I have accepted that THANK GOD I AM MOVING! And once I decided that I would not cry or be sad for the break up (as in HE HAS A NEW FUCK) since I am the one better off and moving on to better things and more worthy partners... like my Prince Charming.
The sadness can remain, and it is okay. I am content with that part. I just need to take care of me. It has been a long time since I have had that attention. Years perhaps.
Wish me luck, words of encouragement are so needed. Leave me a note if you got through this.
Mahalo,
~ the angel*
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
You have taken us out and made us feel real comfortable at your place.
It is as if i have known you forever and now we are friends, we will be friends forever .
People , like your ex . who let you go are the losers , they are the ones who are gonna lose out.
Knowing you is great and people who dont are missing out !
We are gonna have a fun week and then a whole new chapter in your life is starting....look forward to it as it will have a happy ending