JOURNAL:
I have to warn all of you that the following information is shared purely in the interest that I cannot be insane enough to be alone in the realm of confusion we call life.
Last night the answer to all my confused thoughts were found, and I have to say I was not fond of the results.
Let us deal with the most heart-wrenching, shall we?
I text messaged my ex to see if I would be graced with his presence or something on wednesday night. I did not get a response from him - but sunday we had had a long conversation about us. I honestly am not sure where it went becuase I was a little confused at his angle, but I do know he feels like we are together again and I would like to fix whatever is ailing him, even if it includes me but if the person you are involved with (at whatever level) does not tell you where they are at, how can you answer the right questions? So to my request last night of a discussion, I receive in my text inbox:
"(U & me?)...pleasure of my company?!? When will you stop thinking of me as yours to control. I prefer a social construct which doesn't require me to annouce non-issues in advance".
WTF is that supposed to mean? I am not sure what is being referenced as I am ME, not him. I know I act and do happen to call, but I don't know where he is every day of the week nor do I inquire where he has been - the relation I can think of that might be referenced here is something that occurred over the weekend.... I will try to be brief.
** So my distant friend A-girl has a history of trying to get with the guys I am breaking up with during the end of the relationship and afterwards. She is convinced that all my boys want her (which is not the case) and tried to do it again with my ex. They went out, he realized half way through the dinner that she thought it was a date, put up a nice little "we are friends" act and later came to my house. Now, she lives in the South Bay and Venice is a long drive for a service supplied by my ex at his shop (cant tell too much to protect the innocent) but she came all the way up to ask him out, and did. Now she attends a party that my friends throw on friday night and approaches my best friend who has made it public knowledge she doesnt like this girl but A-girl proceeds to tell her how involved she is with my ex and that he is leaving me for her etc etc. Now, all these people there are MY friends I introduced her to. Yeah. So needless to say, I get notified by MANY people saying not "your ex is fucking around on you" but "hey, A-girl is saying she is hooking up with your man and we know that aint true, what up?" - I call my ex saturday morning, stressing, asked him what up and he told me about the date and he did tell me when he came over that night. I told him I only wished I had known he was hanging with my girlfriend of whom I do not speak to much because of the last boyfriend break up fiasco. Am I wrong for wanting to know at least that is was that girlfriend? Or is that a line I am not allowed to cross? His point: he is dating who he wants to date like I am, so who he goes out with and spends time with is none of my business. I want a draw, but he might have won that one.....**
So needless to say, he does not want to see me but I need to see him. He told me sunday night that I was trying to control everyone in my life and that I could not do that anymore. This time, after it was said TWICE in our conversation, I listened for the first time in months.
So yesterday I went to my first therapy session with a highly recommended professional. She is giving a break on the rates but it is still expensive, I just know that I need it. I have a lot of baggage in the TRUST department, and they are all surfacing in my control issues with people. I never realized how much I was using drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, and my ex even as addictions that took me away from dealing with feeling the world. I was so moved and so scared to feel that last night I could not stop crying and bawling my eyes out because my life hurts so much.
I have been 8 days with only 3 cigarettes, and I think considering the stresses and stuff, that is damn good. I am ready now to get my life back, and I might try feeling for the first time in a long time.
I do know this: When I was with my ex, I felt so safe and happy and in love. Why couldn't I trust? I thought I did, but I cannot. That is why I went back to therapy, to learn how to trust.
Apparently from my background (I had a 2 hour session) my parents have never reinforced confidence and love in me. They loved me, yes, but I did not feel it from an early age on, and by the time I was 14 my father was convinced I was an adult. I have known that this fact is primarily why I am the way I am but to have a professional who is just listening to your story growing up as unbiased as possible to tell you what you have always known, that is the most relieving thing - to know you are not the only one who has the problem, enough to where there is a solution.
And that is why I wanted to talk to him last night, because I was working on a solution. And it was for him, because I want to trust and not be a pain in the ass, I want to feel and not have a want or need to use anything anymore, and mostly I just wanted to be happy in love with him again - like we were in the beginning, and like we were no too long ago, where we can lay in each other's arms and feel like the whole world is stopping for us.
His last text message said "U didn't get it".
I told him I heard an angry tone and I asked if he was going rid himself of me without my testimony, called him an executioner.
His said "That's what I mean. Im not angry. I simply dont wish to be is any relationship where it's possible for me to the executioner".
Mine said "I have not been myself lately. That is what I wanted to talk about.."
His said "Not yourself? Really? Who, might I ask, are you?"
That is when I told him I did not want to discuss it anymore via texting. And I cried some more.
Fucking drama. I hate it but sometimes it cannot be avoided.
So that was revolation #1. There were many of them yesterday though, the beginnings of many anyway. Also, I am not seeing the friends that encourage positive thinking and living in my life. When I had that girl from Chicago staying with me, I had an instant friend around so I blew people off. Also, her energy changed mine and my roomie's. I am such a bundle of nerves and just not okay with being alone that having a person in my space 24/7 x2 did not help me. I was doing just fine until... it was not her fault, it was mine, I should have maintained my schedule.
I need to start doing things for myself. I am always better when I go to the gym and take care of myself, I am healthier and able to handle all this shit without crying every fucking ten minutes. I have never had a break up that was purely my fault until now, and I am trying to fix it and be a better person and just be loveable instead of controling and paranoid. How do tell someone that you want to go back to that and have them believe you? Anf then the idea of being able to do it, there is a challenge.
I am really depressed about it, but I am trying to keep my chin up. My date with Prince Charming is moved to saturday, so I think tonight I am going to do the bank, then the house, then the gym for as long as I can stand it. I really really am going to be hurting tonight, especially since it is friday night, date night and all around good times. I want to see the ex, my man, and I want this resolved. But I also know that he needs to chill because I am so not mentally in a place for that conversation.
But I love him. I know that is true, so...?
I just want to know, why is it that he is angry/disappointed/anti with me when he is the one who has the house key to my place (me not to his) and that he comes to me and visits me and calls me at work and leaves cute messages on my phone and makes me feel like I am the only one... and then it changes in a New York minute... well, in less than a week.
The funny part is I have the answer to that question: I did not make him feel like it was more than enough, that I did not even need to flinch at the thought of him being untrue. I should just expect that because he is honorable, the most excellent example of character in a man I have been able to witness - along with all his little inconsistancies, where I find joy and happiness in his vulnerable state when I am granted the permission to view.
How do I tell him what is going on without seeming to ask for his help or aviod him thinking I am playing a game? I do not want to be vulnerable, but is that what will make this easier for him to understand?
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE, I KNOW NOTHING.
Lesson #21 - The wisest man alive said he only knew one thing for certain: that he did not know anything for sure.
Something like that. I am hoping that that attitude of openess will help me persevere and resolve the immediate issues, one way or another.
How can I wish for his love again if it is not in the cards? Who am I to say either way?
Mahalo lovers.
Good thoughts for all this weekend.
~the angel*
**I know there are type-os in here, I found a few when I was re-reading on the journal page. Fuck it, you all can just deal. Feedback is prefered for this, anyone's thoughts are welcome, no matter the context.**
thank you.
I have to warn all of you that the following information is shared purely in the interest that I cannot be insane enough to be alone in the realm of confusion we call life.
Last night the answer to all my confused thoughts were found, and I have to say I was not fond of the results.
Let us deal with the most heart-wrenching, shall we?
I text messaged my ex to see if I would be graced with his presence or something on wednesday night. I did not get a response from him - but sunday we had had a long conversation about us. I honestly am not sure where it went becuase I was a little confused at his angle, but I do know he feels like we are together again and I would like to fix whatever is ailing him, even if it includes me but if the person you are involved with (at whatever level) does not tell you where they are at, how can you answer the right questions? So to my request last night of a discussion, I receive in my text inbox:
"(U & me?)...pleasure of my company?!? When will you stop thinking of me as yours to control. I prefer a social construct which doesn't require me to annouce non-issues in advance".
WTF is that supposed to mean? I am not sure what is being referenced as I am ME, not him. I know I act and do happen to call, but I don't know where he is every day of the week nor do I inquire where he has been - the relation I can think of that might be referenced here is something that occurred over the weekend.... I will try to be brief.
** So my distant friend A-girl has a history of trying to get with the guys I am breaking up with during the end of the relationship and afterwards. She is convinced that all my boys want her (which is not the case) and tried to do it again with my ex. They went out, he realized half way through the dinner that she thought it was a date, put up a nice little "we are friends" act and later came to my house. Now, she lives in the South Bay and Venice is a long drive for a service supplied by my ex at his shop (cant tell too much to protect the innocent) but she came all the way up to ask him out, and did. Now she attends a party that my friends throw on friday night and approaches my best friend who has made it public knowledge she doesnt like this girl but A-girl proceeds to tell her how involved she is with my ex and that he is leaving me for her etc etc. Now, all these people there are MY friends I introduced her to. Yeah. So needless to say, I get notified by MANY people saying not "your ex is fucking around on you" but "hey, A-girl is saying she is hooking up with your man and we know that aint true, what up?" - I call my ex saturday morning, stressing, asked him what up and he told me about the date and he did tell me when he came over that night. I told him I only wished I had known he was hanging with my girlfriend of whom I do not speak to much because of the last boyfriend break up fiasco. Am I wrong for wanting to know at least that is was that girlfriend? Or is that a line I am not allowed to cross? His point: he is dating who he wants to date like I am, so who he goes out with and spends time with is none of my business. I want a draw, but he might have won that one.....**
So needless to say, he does not want to see me but I need to see him. He told me sunday night that I was trying to control everyone in my life and that I could not do that anymore. This time, after it was said TWICE in our conversation, I listened for the first time in months.
So yesterday I went to my first therapy session with a highly recommended professional. She is giving a break on the rates but it is still expensive, I just know that I need it. I have a lot of baggage in the TRUST department, and they are all surfacing in my control issues with people. I never realized how much I was using drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, and my ex even as addictions that took me away from dealing with feeling the world. I was so moved and so scared to feel that last night I could not stop crying and bawling my eyes out because my life hurts so much.
I have been 8 days with only 3 cigarettes, and I think considering the stresses and stuff, that is damn good. I am ready now to get my life back, and I might try feeling for the first time in a long time.
I do know this: When I was with my ex, I felt so safe and happy and in love. Why couldn't I trust? I thought I did, but I cannot. That is why I went back to therapy, to learn how to trust.
Apparently from my background (I had a 2 hour session) my parents have never reinforced confidence and love in me. They loved me, yes, but I did not feel it from an early age on, and by the time I was 14 my father was convinced I was an adult. I have known that this fact is primarily why I am the way I am but to have a professional who is just listening to your story growing up as unbiased as possible to tell you what you have always known, that is the most relieving thing - to know you are not the only one who has the problem, enough to where there is a solution.
And that is why I wanted to talk to him last night, because I was working on a solution. And it was for him, because I want to trust and not be a pain in the ass, I want to feel and not have a want or need to use anything anymore, and mostly I just wanted to be happy in love with him again - like we were in the beginning, and like we were no too long ago, where we can lay in each other's arms and feel like the whole world is stopping for us.
His last text message said "U didn't get it".
I told him I heard an angry tone and I asked if he was going rid himself of me without my testimony, called him an executioner.
His said "That's what I mean. Im not angry. I simply dont wish to be is any relationship where it's possible for me to the executioner".
Mine said "I have not been myself lately. That is what I wanted to talk about.."
His said "Not yourself? Really? Who, might I ask, are you?"
That is when I told him I did not want to discuss it anymore via texting. And I cried some more.
Fucking drama. I hate it but sometimes it cannot be avoided.
So that was revolation #1. There were many of them yesterday though, the beginnings of many anyway. Also, I am not seeing the friends that encourage positive thinking and living in my life. When I had that girl from Chicago staying with me, I had an instant friend around so I blew people off. Also, her energy changed mine and my roomie's. I am such a bundle of nerves and just not okay with being alone that having a person in my space 24/7 x2 did not help me. I was doing just fine until... it was not her fault, it was mine, I should have maintained my schedule.
I need to start doing things for myself. I am always better when I go to the gym and take care of myself, I am healthier and able to handle all this shit without crying every fucking ten minutes. I have never had a break up that was purely my fault until now, and I am trying to fix it and be a better person and just be loveable instead of controling and paranoid. How do tell someone that you want to go back to that and have them believe you? Anf then the idea of being able to do it, there is a challenge.
I am really depressed about it, but I am trying to keep my chin up. My date with Prince Charming is moved to saturday, so I think tonight I am going to do the bank, then the house, then the gym for as long as I can stand it. I really really am going to be hurting tonight, especially since it is friday night, date night and all around good times. I want to see the ex, my man, and I want this resolved. But I also know that he needs to chill because I am so not mentally in a place for that conversation.
But I love him. I know that is true, so...?
I just want to know, why is it that he is angry/disappointed/anti with me when he is the one who has the house key to my place (me not to his) and that he comes to me and visits me and calls me at work and leaves cute messages on my phone and makes me feel like I am the only one... and then it changes in a New York minute... well, in less than a week.
The funny part is I have the answer to that question: I did not make him feel like it was more than enough, that I did not even need to flinch at the thought of him being untrue. I should just expect that because he is honorable, the most excellent example of character in a man I have been able to witness - along with all his little inconsistancies, where I find joy and happiness in his vulnerable state when I am granted the permission to view.
How do I tell him what is going on without seeming to ask for his help or aviod him thinking I am playing a game? I do not want to be vulnerable, but is that what will make this easier for him to understand?
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE, I KNOW NOTHING.
Lesson #21 - The wisest man alive said he only knew one thing for certain: that he did not know anything for sure.
Something like that. I am hoping that that attitude of openess will help me persevere and resolve the immediate issues, one way or another.
How can I wish for his love again if it is not in the cards? Who am I to say either way?
Mahalo lovers.
Good thoughts for all this weekend.
~the angel*
**I know there are type-os in here, I found a few when I was re-reading on the journal page. Fuck it, you all can just deal. Feedback is prefered for this, anyone's thoughts are welcome, no matter the context.**
thank you.VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I've delt with depression for 10 of my 20 years on earth. I've been in theropy for 2. As I'm rounding the bend to my recovery, I'm finding that my inner perception of the situations going on around me were ten times as negitive as they were in reality. Everything around me was so black back then. From my new healthier view point, some of the same problems arise (issues with parents, a girl I can't get, another failed college course) but they're not as bad anymore. I find that I've developed tools to deal with the bullshit going an around me.
Enough about me, though.
With the amount of emotion you've invested in this man, your present situation must be darker than anything I've ever experianced. Perhaps I can still provide insight, though.
Honostly (and I know this is NOT what you want to hear) I would give it some time. Create a buffer around this situation, so a week from now you can look back on it without as much emotion clouding your vision. When you're very sad, nothing is ever as it seems. Use this week of 'down time' to heal, to regain some footing, and to plan out what you'd like to resolve. Afterall, it's never too late to repair a broken relationship and fix your mistakes. Might as well hang back and wait til you're better equiped to do these things, right?
I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about, having delt with depression and the like. Still, I understand if you read the above and think to yourself "what a bunch of bullshit." Afterall, the best person to solve your shit is you, but I still think the best place to start is a week from now when you're feeling better.
I know you'll get it figured out. I also think you'll get the guy back in the end. If you really love him, it'll eventually work out.
K, bye
-Mike
(haha I didn't check this post for typos either)
I hope this helps. I, too, am no expert so this is only a suggestion. Take care and be well.