JOURNAL:
This will be fast becuase I have to do some serious work today and I am a happy girl.
I had a really rough Memorial Day. I thought I was a strong person but I foung myself practically pulling my hair out around 9:30 am on monday morning because 5 hours previous I had had my last line.
Now let me tell you, this particular situation I was fighting to avoid having again when I quit in the beginning of March. But I was dumb and I though I could just party a little and it was not effective.
My ex (his house is where I was) has some in his possession for trade (long story, not what you think) and it was in his briefcase, something I have the combonation to from when we were together. I sat in his tile bathroom debating for two hours if it was worth it to betray his trust and his trade to get just one more line to maybe make the cravings go away. Luckily for me (seemingly not right away, but in retrospect) he caught me picking it up and leaving his room. I could not have felt shitter than I did in that moment. I put it down, looked at him and said I did not deserve his love and kindness and the fact that I was going to throw all that we had away for one more line was very.... well, not good.
And instead of letting me leave (high and fucked up) he opened his arms and commanded for me to come to bed. He held me and hugged me and kissed me; I bawled and shuddered in embarassment and shame - and he just told me that it was already forgiven and that he just wanted to hold me and help me though it. Through the shakes &the quelling jitters, he finally found a kolanapine (cant spell it) so I could knock out.
I do not doubt his love for me now, and I also will not be able for forgive and forget myself for letting me go to where that damn drug brought me: to the point of loosing the greatest love of my 22 years on earth, including my family.
I am a little emotional still today (actually crying while I type this), but I thank god/higher power for my ex's patience with me because that kind of strength he had was exactly what I needed from a partner in that moment, and in this moment today, I know that he will never let me fall as long as he can help it.
God damn it, why does it take my weakest moment to insanity and addiction to show me how much this man truly loves me?
Lessong #16 - Girls are dumb. Women are not much better. But a girl on cocaine is loaded gun not to be underestimated.
Thank you for the messages and support. Today is June 1st, the second round at my attempt to be sober girl.
Wish me luck.
~the angel*
This will be fast becuase I have to do some serious work today and I am a happy girl.
I had a really rough Memorial Day. I thought I was a strong person but I foung myself practically pulling my hair out around 9:30 am on monday morning because 5 hours previous I had had my last line.
Now let me tell you, this particular situation I was fighting to avoid having again when I quit in the beginning of March. But I was dumb and I though I could just party a little and it was not effective.
My ex (his house is where I was) has some in his possession for trade (long story, not what you think) and it was in his briefcase, something I have the combonation to from when we were together. I sat in his tile bathroom debating for two hours if it was worth it to betray his trust and his trade to get just one more line to maybe make the cravings go away. Luckily for me (seemingly not right away, but in retrospect) he caught me picking it up and leaving his room. I could not have felt shitter than I did in that moment. I put it down, looked at him and said I did not deserve his love and kindness and the fact that I was going to throw all that we had away for one more line was very.... well, not good.
And instead of letting me leave (high and fucked up) he opened his arms and commanded for me to come to bed. He held me and hugged me and kissed me; I bawled and shuddered in embarassment and shame - and he just told me that it was already forgiven and that he just wanted to hold me and help me though it. Through the shakes &the quelling jitters, he finally found a kolanapine (cant spell it) so I could knock out.
I do not doubt his love for me now, and I also will not be able for forgive and forget myself for letting me go to where that damn drug brought me: to the point of loosing the greatest love of my 22 years on earth, including my family.
I am a little emotional still today (actually crying while I type this), but I thank god/higher power for my ex's patience with me because that kind of strength he had was exactly what I needed from a partner in that moment, and in this moment today, I know that he will never let me fall as long as he can help it.
God damn it, why does it take my weakest moment to insanity and addiction to show me how much this man truly loves me?
Lessong #16 - Girls are dumb. Women are not much better. But a girl on cocaine is loaded gun not to be underestimated.
Thank you for the messages and support. Today is June 1st, the second round at my attempt to be sober girl.
Wish me luck.
~the angel*
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Take care.
P.S this is what you can look like on that shit