Maybe the trouble is that.. fuck I lost it..
I had an insight going a second ago..
Something along the lines of unwarranted affection.. not just unsolicited but literally 'we're barely friends' 'you don't even know me' rubs people the wrong way. As in sure I do care about you and I'm thusly biased to do and say whatever I think is in service to those feelings.. I do it for everyone. But it aggravates people.
For a second I thought I understood why.. but like a bubble that understanding popped and I'm back to not understanding.
That it's foreign to some people and I have been living with the repercussions of people getting mad at me and my apparently warped mentally. I know better. But still pursue things even though I have lost several people that I really loved. I mean I understand when people don't want affection.. or adoration.. they just need friends. I don't know how. And if it isn't immediate it is an eventual resentment that exists because there's no reciprocation. And there won't ever be. I like being honest with people.. but on some level sometimes I just don't think it's appropriate because it is obvious how they feel. I'm not pretending to be friends with you while harboring feelings for you. It's more like I understand that my feelings which I don't control would be inappropriate to explain.
Even with the ex it was ultimately just for mutual benefit.. but also destructive. We didn't want anything from each other and it felt that even though we were together.. we never were. It's like disturbing how we managed to get along. And how at first I missed her because she was such a beautiful person when she wanted to be and a living hell when she didn't behave. Something like the bad with the good. Sometimes the bad makes me love you more because I don't hate you. But also sometimes some good things make me feel resentful which I can't hide.
It had nothing to do with looks with her. At no point in being together did looks have anything to do with it. At no point does looks enter the equation when I accept that I want to love someone or don't... since most of the time that's the current I'm flowing in. But more importantly, and I think I mentioned it somewhere on here before.. but it's something I have to do.. something that if I don't then I have to live with the fact I've been living in the cracks for so long. Call that into question.. or make me resent it at all and well fuck you. I know that I'm stuck here because I chose to help other people instead of focusing on myself.
She was just honest with me about everything. When she told lies.. they weren't lies that were meant to hurt me and didn't matter anyway. When she'd hit on other guys sure I got mad but what difference does it make. When she owned up to it and said that's how she is and that she still loved me for or despite who I was and she had no business whatsoever even talking to me.. that was fine.
It was fine.
Last week.. I was reminded that apparently that's wrong. I was helping with a 24 hour birthday stream and was called out for hanging in with those flawless raid runs, run after run.. that I didn't need.. because I'm a 'pussy'.
Something must have changed in me or I'm more broken than I realized because I didn't rage or leave. Even if the thought flashed in my psyche.. And I might have lost a few seconds.. The last time someone called me a pussy to my face I was about to murder him. No second thoughts.
Neither time did I argue it.. It was just WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER TO YOU?
I help people. I offered to help when I wasn't going to get anything out of it even when I had no sleep.. and ultimately didn't sleep until the next day after.. I wanted to help.
I wanted to help me ex. She didn't explicitly ask for it.. but I offered my help and support to get her back on her feet and up on her way. I'd like to think despite the drama and bullshit that I did. Being loved in return, such as it was, felt like enough justification. Maybe I'm not even looking for that again since I wasn't at the time..
Some people say it is hurtful and dishonest to walk into a relationship blind like that with someone you can barely tolerate. But that's how it was at first and we quickly found enough common ground to have it last for months. She helped me catch up on the years I'd lost.
I didn't want that relationship.. because I didn't need it.. it cost way too much money and almost got me killed and arrested a few times. But in every conceivable manner my heart and every fiber of my being needed it so badly. I just like being a support character.
Last week's No Man's Sky launch was a great example. I am fine with chatting and modding.. but I don't want to stream and on some level I don't want to participate with a stream either. It's uncompensated work and ultimately you have to want to help people on a long term.. but sometimes it doesn't work out.
One girl even called out my delusions by saying the same thing in that video. I fill in the blanks before I know anything about them. So is that why things worked when they did and then ended in misery.. But the longer we get to know each other the more impossible it becomes to avoid resentment and being miserable?
Being modded to two new channels though was a surprise but realizing that it was just because I was present and not that I was needed.. bothers me. Why do people not mind me at first... It never used to bother me. Even if I hate the game.. which is probably ideal because I won't get distracted by the game.. I like to help.. to ensure that the streamer isn't distracted by people that literally have nothing better to do that screw with them.
Same as with streaming NMS. I did try on Friday afternoon.. mostly just to set up OBS on this machine.. which is surprisingly hard.. but it feels like I just wouldn't give a fuck about the game or people enough to run a stream. Like I could care less if anyone shows up.. but I'm happy to be a person that shows up and chats about a game with an already established streamer. That's easier to do with small and struggling streams but.. it's still often thankless especially when the game is tedious.
But I have to try.. something like to prove myself I'm not absolutely heart broken and incurable miserable.
Somehow I end up taking over a chat and get modded.. but by then it's like.. whatever there was before I didn't refuse to be a mod is gone. There was no reason to mod me.. and I don't want to be focused on a game that I actually hate.
I don't know how to refuse being modded though. I don't know how to deal with any of it.
But in the long run it becomes more like I don't need anyone to reciprocate what I feel for them because I lived my childhood differently and haven't really grown up out of the mindset of hating just about everyone. I had to love people that I felt abused me. And I had to respect people that didn't deserve to be spat on if they were on fire. So at some point I decided to treat them all equally and just flow with what life had to offer. Neutrally.. until I feel something for them or discover something about their personality that makes that neutrality impossible. It doesn't usually take long. Something cosmic about it in a sense.. you want to gravitate to people you want to be around.. while distancing yourself from people who rub you the wrong way.
That's life.
But apparently not everyone's. Having too few people to focus my attention on.. and having no one that I simply tolerate... or actually hate... Ends up being lonely. Not everyone learns to destroy or compartmentalize actual feelings while still being able to shit on people that actually deserve it. But call me out on them.. and well.. in some way it's like ok now you're one of those people that's asking me to prove I have some real opinion of you, or that my feelings are real, when that's all I have been doing. I honestly wouldn't have bothered with several people otherwise including my ex.
As a teen I would just get even more distant from them because it felt like being honest with people.. which is what they wanted from me in the first place.. but was pissing people off.
I can't be honest with you about hating you. I can't be honest with you about loving you? Well ok then. I have lost the desire to think about you. That's it.
It becomes so much easier as time goes on to just become binary like that. Yes it hurts at first.. but a lifetime of rejection is bound to fuck you up. Having to learn to reject people is harder.. but guess what..
As an adult I'm virtually an alien among humans. Which is ironically funny that my most common username, LZIM.. keeps getting offhandedly referenced to Invader Zim.
I had no idea about that show.. which I suppose speaks to a jagged childhood.. but I do understand the reference. Its fucking weird because I can see so much of myself in that character.. too much.
So the difference being I'm too aware of how I treat people. I hurt myself for trying. My childhood self would just laugh at how foolishly I'm living my life.
But it feels like I can't just pick and choose who I can have as a friend or whatever more because I don't have much left after a lifetime of being rejected and having to reject people. Some of them are like it isn't possible for you to be as easy going and approachable as you are while being so fundamentally sociopathic and psychotic.
But if you insist on burning someone for being honest with you.. what they hell else are they supposed to do? I figure the faster that resentment and its repercussions are out in the open and being dealt with then the less suffering over all.
I just don't know how. I've tried being honest up front. I've tried having meaningful friendships but somehow they are too shallow.. I've tried keeping everything to myself.. Nothing works. Life's current brought me here and I'm stuck here.
Maybe that's why Ark is so much fun. They say no man is an Island.. yet I got along just fine. I mean I remember what civilization was.. and all the compromises and bullshit integration requires.. but no.. Civilization produces and basically incubates insane people that shouldn't be able to survive. Like I still think Micah Johnson was the Micah I knew and what went down.. can break a guy. When otherwise normal people fall through the cracks and are supposed to live any significant amount of time there.. literally or just in their minds, or for their entire lives.. What else are they going to become?
I'm trying to play NMS the way I played Ark. Knowing full well that the game is shit. It has insane potential but the way it was released.. literally forcing people to live in an entire universe which is just a big island.. at some point if it isn't obvious at the outset.. its futile. The end game is idiotic.. but the journey is too bloody shallow. Play Ark instead so that the punchline IS survival.. not 'no slots left in n inventory' where 'suit' and 'ship' substitute for n. So having said that.. I play Ark with people and the few friendships and relationships I try to have with people. Sure I get eaten by dinosaurs and there aren't that many revives offered but it's much better than just picking up and moving on to the next world or start system because it's just that easy.
Frankly NMS's greatest failing given that they got the scale right is that... that's the only way to play. That shallow bullshit is how some people live their lives or are expected to.
I don't know what they were thinking. You don't have the option of building cities and civilizations like you did in the Civ and Space stages of Spore.
So yes. I tried NMS.. it makes me happy and it makes me very sad.
Since I don't know that many people very well and actually end up disliking some of them because they are bad people O do try.. and I do try to hard when I shouldn't and don't bother when I really should.. it's like somehow peaceful to think about an Island. To just build things. Not have to worry about integration.. or falling through the cracks or having one's self be understood and one's feelings ever be reciprocated. They wanted me to learn how to live here.. but I want to hop in a space rocket ship and find somewhere else to just be me until I (don't want to)(can't) anymore.