K so.. what's going on then.. To take that literally my prickly nature means I can't enjoy an intimate relationship with anything that isn't another cactus? Someone broken or just as prickly as me?
(then find another cactus and together murder all the balloons, she says.. Which echoes what she'd told me to do.. find some other woman to stalk. There's at least two wrongs there.. I'm not trying to do wrong by anyone. So no murdering anyone or stalking anyone.)
Or if anything can happen until intimacy enters the picture and then a pair's nature will tell the rest of the tale... I shouldn't have given up on just friendship.
Because right now, after dredging for over a couple of weeks for any kind of reconciliation and finding only more hate.. why try? why do I care. What is there left here for me to even want to be bothered to deal with all this hate? Or rejection.
And I mean I tried. I've tried to find people that can survive by the prickliness and that still appreciate the niceness. Didn't just give up her friendship... I've lost several good friends because of this drama.
(so find friends and hold on to them she says. I know! BUT)
I'm not entirely ashamed to admit that most of them are very young and so aren't suitable for relationships... but people my age tend to see nice and see it as a red flag. Or see negativity and take it as a major red flag. The combination of them.. who I am, makes everything confusing.. but ultimately they reject it.
So why try. And why regret giving in to what I wanted by trading in a friendship for a doomed relationship?
(because that's life she says. A little more Box 2 and a lot less Box 3 then please!)
If I ignore my nature, because I'm negative, and that's for a variety of reasons and instead I present the best of myself and live by that.. why is that enough to form friendships in the first place? why is that enough for some people to want to get close, then closer, then too close. Then ouch! ouch ouch ouch! Why are you hurting me? I haven't done anything any differently since you've known me. I'm the same person you met. I'm the same person you liked. I'm the same person that says I love you and will die for you.
For me though to die I have to give up on you. And I'll shamelessly fight that to the bitter end.
(nothing you can do about that now she tells me.. I've done too much about it trust me.)
Why do people pretend along with me and then get all huffy when they realize I have to try to live with my nature. I am who I am and I am prickly and I do what I can to be less so. I self abnegate and 'put on' a nice guy persona because that's what I have to do to live with myself.
Like I'm already doing that and people tell me that's the only way I can be happy with myself.. to love myself.. before I can love others.
(she's dead to you she tells me. Again, I know.. that isn't the point. I've been trying for weeks to figure this out because after she was 100% of my attention, which was after the last one was 100% of my attention with 100% of my attention going to Destiny for 3000 hours...)
What am I to do now. There's nothing! No one... I'm literally sleeping my days away because I can't grok how to return to being an adult that's supposed to give a shit about people and stuff.
(because if you fail to move on you'll go nuts obsessing over everything in your head. Yeah.. that's been the last 3 weeks.. and was a few black months from last year.. I'm reliving this same bullshit when I gave it so much effort to not be obsessive in the first place)
It's my nature.
(well as of today you forget her. Delete everything, her contacts, her emails, she'd dead. Yeah.. that WAS was happened today on top of having completed that erasure reflexively weeks ago. My body realized the severity of the situation and reacted)
The problem is my heart won't. My heart was already lost. In fact I can't even claim any aspect of my heart. It is like in order to live with myself the one thing I do over and over is let my heart have what it wants. I don't control it. It was smashed to pieces years ago and is a thing that cannot be grasped. It was struck down a very long time ago and shattered into so many pieces, and it became a thing much stronger than anything I could have imagined. Without it being so I could not be who I am. It has no bridle and I dare not try to control it once released.
(and you never know.. one day she'll need you because something will go wrong and you'll be right there to kick her in the face. Here's the thing about that. That's not my nature. I realize that I can do that and sometimes prickly shit like that comes through but the truth of the last 3 weeks obsessing over winning her over and that I kept bothering her and her friends. I wanted to help and tried over and over and it kept pissing her off more each time.)
After the erasure event just getting into contact with her, a difficult task which she damnably seemed to obviate by her lack of need of MY help, castigating me as relentlessly as I was trying to help her, for not leaving her and her friends alone. Everything I did about anything made her flip out more. There were so many times she'd ask for help and I tried to respond and be there. All I was met with was FUCK YOUs. Literal bile. I should feel like a dirty psychotic stalker..
Why? I'm trying to help. If and when you actually stop needing help.. I'd have no reason to keep haunting.
Do I want to kick her in the face? Heavens no. Do I want to hug her and lover her? Always.
The thing is I want to help and realized that the timing of our relationship and breakup would leave a really long gap until I would be needed. If there was no reconciliation.. what happens when she needs me.
She's going to need me Friday. Rather she's going to need help on Friday. Help which was offered at the beginning of our friendship in the form of my remote supporting her computer. That's what I do for a living.. but thanks to a few fuck ups and that she refuses to let me just work or just listen to me.. that all was set aside.
The thing was the trust it required for her to allow me into her computer in the first place. I'm in another country.
I foresee there being a need for someone with some technical skill on Friday. At least she knows she could trust someone like me.
On Friday she will be getting a computer. I was in shock because I'd come to be very happy with supplying her hardware such as a screen, controller, play and charge kit, games, and a yeti USB microphone. Hundreds of dollars invested in her Twitch Stream and video game playing proclivities.
Her PC has blue screen errors all the time though. I have to ignore them because she'd put the kibosh on remote support or getting it fixed at all. Its a shame. I'm IT and I had to live with my so brief for a time GF having a shit PC.
I'll fucking buy you a new one.. or at the very least I'll set it up.
The red flags along the way though were her incredible resistance to me helping her set anything up. I mean I could kick myself for not realizing sooner than she saw me as just one of those toy wind up monkeys. No need to really take me seriously.. toss me down the shoot when you're done.
So.. that PC? ok.. first question. How's it going to connect to the internet? does it have built in Wifi? Hopefully. IF that works.. what else will or won't?
BUT THAT'S ME BEING FUCKING NEGATIVE.
right?
(so she asks me.. because she's as confused as me now.. if she's buying herself a PC and didn't foresee any difficulty setting it up or a need for someone technical to help being willing to provide unlimited time and resources *within reason.. to make it all work... won't she be mad at herself? I have no idea)
Because again.. its my nature to see problems and try to find solutions to them. It isn't negativity. It's years of programming that I call my nature and can't turn off.
Do I at this point.. since up until now I've been utterly shameless and have been an utter psychotic nuisance trying to achieve a reconciliation.. do nothing and just watch this PC situation develop? Ignore the hundreds invested up to now.. and just watch.
For the fuck of what I know she has technically savvy people at the ready that can and will take my place.
I can fully and completely fucking ignore the last few weeks of her bemoaning her bloody forsaken lot of being bored because no one would play whatever game she was trying to play. There were several times during that period where she was having a grand old time. So the times she wasn't were because of technical problems for which I'm screaming at a screen with no way to get her to listen.
At one point I literally spammed 10 people several different ways just to have her unplug her controller from a charging cable AFTER sitting there for hours listening to a high pitched feedback noise.
I actually only know about that problem because clockwork_femme had the same problem with her Turtle Beach headset.
Some 30 or 40 minutes into rudimentary troubleshooting the charge cord was unplugged and the noise had stopped.
OK.. I'll accept being screamed at for having spammed all kinds of people about it.
The other incident was the Xbox being on the wrong network somehow. After resetting it several times it connected to the right one and solved a week of NAT strict unable to connect to anyone else.
Could have been solved in 5 minutes.. but I'm not wanted in her life.
So maybe I'm being arrogant, psychotic and negative. Fuck if I care.
I care. I want to see her stream succeed and I've put hundreds of dollars and months doing what bare minimum little I was allowed to.
I care enough to see how the PC works out and am not here to kick anyone in the fucking teeth.