luxdivon

i'm in the bell jar again
plastered against glass walls trying to get through
that tiny little peep hole at the top of the bottle.
its funny but you'd think now that maybe i was an alcoholic
i'm not
but its just as bad.
at least on the days i want to admit that there's something eating at me.
i guess it just goes with being creative..
and emotional.
but its been worse
because he's an emotional basketcase
and everything is just as chaotic as childhood
which is why he's leaving
he still doesnt see it
and thinks it was just us 'spending too much time together'
but i know its alot more than that.
and i refuse to be deaf or blind or dumb anymore.

but i'm still in the belljar.
and as much as the sparrow wants to sing
she's not going to for the moment

and that makes me so angry
because she needs to sing
she needs to be free
and she has herself in chains again
like a pet to herself, giving her exactly what she wants

but its just not fun anymore.

to what end. to what cure.

lithium. antidepressants. xanax. whatever they try to drug up up fucked up kids with.

i actaully havent given in to the shrink side to take any of that shit yet. whatever i know i have no money to get that kind of help anyway.

in the meantime i'll just keep writing and singing. and SGing, and drinking my coffee. and trying to fight back down the villian inside.

theluxdivon emotional rollercoaster