My name is never-was.
My name’s forgotten.”
-Hole, Celebrity Skin
I’m in bed.
It’s past midnight. I can’t sleep. Even after years of 7, sometimes 8 am wake-up calls, my synapses don’t stop firing until well into the early morning hours. You’d think I’d have grown out of it by now.
You would think I would have grown out of everything I love in my life
Here I stand, a few months away from 40, defiantly refusing to stop, to hide, to diminish myself the way a good mother would. Instead, I fly to Los Angeles and kiss girls I’ve just met, sitting in a hot tub and baring my body for the camera.
I am too old for this shit.
I don’t care.
I do find it hard to stay relevant. I have to fight to stay in the spotlight - Celebrity Skin hits too close to home these days. I got out of this business for a few years, thinking I hated it (really I hated who I was working for), this business of sin and nudity and weird dm requests at 5 am from strange men.
When I came back, there were some loyal fans but mostly crickets.
I feel like I’m fading. I have had, against some odds and dicey nights, the luxury of growing old. But let me tell you, youth holds more power than you know until you don’t have it. I fight my body daily. I fight to stay relevant. I fight to keep up.
I don’t compete with anyone. I’m not dumb enough for that. There will always be someone younger, more beautiful, more engaging and there is enough for me and all of my beautiful sisters. I just take who I am and I run with it and the ones who love it LOVE it, they love me, they support me and I’m so grateful.
But I’m running out of time to be something great. I’m losing my youth and while the light inside me still blazes, it shines through a duller, soot-darkened pane. My greatest fear isn’t spiders or snakes, it’s mediocrity. I want to make an impression. I’ve made little waves here and there in my life, but I want storms.
Can anyone else relate?
Xoxo
Love Lucy
chainmail by Synthetic Daisy
