I don’t know what planet is in what house, but something in me that has been laying dormant and silent all these years has awakened and it’s hungry.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been introspective lately, and a little more forgiving of all the little past selves I’ve been. I’ve spent too much time looking back and cursing myself for my actions. I’ve donned an emotional hairshirt as penance for things I’ve said and done when I was young and blind to how my actions affected others. I’m nearsighted, both literally and figuratively, in that I can’t see past myself sometimes. The only 20/20 vision I have is hindsight, and unfortunately that one is crystal clear with night vision. It’s hard to love the skin you’ve shed when it looks so dead and dated. But I’m learning.
I’m learning to be compassionate with myself. I’m learning to look beyond me. And in that, I’m finding all these golden bits of me that I’ve shed with the dirt, and I’m dusting them off and wearing them like jewelry.
Past Lucy was a hurricane (they also went by Lucy - a name I haven’t been called in years), but sometimes storms can be beautiful. There was passion there, and self confidence, and this wonderful hubris that I admire. There was a ferality to them, this untamed wild freedom my heart misses even though I don’t miss the thunder.
It’s hard to pick and choose the pieces of yourself you put back into the puzzle and it’s hard to make them fit when the cut pattern has changed, but I’m working on it.
And I’m feeling more like myself than I have in a bit.
There’s some of my youth that I need to let go of, but I need to untame me a little.
Or maybe this is just an early midlife crisis.
Who knows.
