Sorry again for my inactivity on the site, let me bring you up to speed on everything thats been going on with me! I had kind of a lazy year in 2016, got a new boyfriend and a new job among other things. The most exciting part however started with myself and @chella driving out with her family to audition for the Black Heart Burlesque. It was my first time ever attending a dance audition and I was nervous to say the least. There were SO MANY girls there, a lot of the girls were extremely talented and obviously professional, and I immediately wrote myself off with "well at least I know what I need to do for next year."
Then something I didn't expect happened, I got invited to the second audition! I'll be honest, I struggled, struggled to keep up with the choreo, struggled with confidence, it was extremely hard for me. I did leave the second audition feeling a little more motivated however, telling myself that I wanted to go home and hit the bricks to make myself into a "real dancer." After coming home I slipped back into my regular routine and told myself, "I'm obviously not good enough to do it this year, and I have plenty of time til next year."
A few months passed and again, unexpectedly, I received an email inviting me to come out for a week of training with @liryc which seemed to be the final step of the audition process. I was completely mind blown, I couldn't believe I still had a shot to be on the tour THIS YEAR. Cue to kicking myself in the ass because I could have spent nearly 6 months practicing if I hadn't given up on myself But I had 3 weeks until the training so I started working every day, watching videos and trying to mimic the moves. (bakwards- I practiced them all backwards lol)
Then it was time to head out to LA, this time I would be staying at the SG house, it was my first time being there and I was SUPER NERVOUS! I arrived and Liryc helped me settle in, then I met @lusia who was lounging in her bunk. We grabbed some booze, grubbed some Mexican food, and chilled out in the hot tub then late that evening @lascaux arrived.
The first day of training we worked on the choreo I learned the previous two times and I felt pretty good, then when we moved on to a new dance the next day I had a really hard time and started feeling super down on myself. I let my insecurity and lack of confidence get to me so badly I was struggling to focus and had to excuse myself a couple of times to calm down and stop myself from sobbing in the studio. Honestly when all is said and done, I let my attitude completely screw me over and I didn't work as hard as I should or could have.
Which brings me to mighty little Lascaux, man this girl has inspired me so much. She worked her fucking ass off, and stayed so positive the whole time. She helped me realize a problem that I've carried thru most of my life. I've always been one of those people who was so afraid of failure that I never completely applied myself to anything. I guess subconsciously I felt that it's not actually a failure if you didn't really try. It's a cop out, a piss poor excuse that I now see has never stopped me from failing, and has definitely never allowed me to succeed. Watching someone come from a similar dance background to me come into that situation and instead of letting negative self feelings get in her way, she just tried her hardest, and she did SO AMAZING! In retrospect it made me realize that I would have rather worked 10 times as hard and still not made it, than to have literally taken the opportunity away from myself by having a shit attitude.
Even though I don't think I'm ready for this years tour I took so much away from this process. When I first auditioned I didn't think I was capable of doing it at all. Now I've seen that I actually am, and I'm surrounded by people who believe in me and want to give me opportunities to succeed. Its just up to me what to make of the opportunities I'm given. I'm proud of myself for not giving up and for being honest about my mistakes and short comings. I'm a better dancer, but more so, I'm a better person today than the day I first auditioned. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I was given and the people who helped me grow along the way. I'm going to save the sappy "I'm so blessed to be a part of this community" stuff for another day since this is already a novel, but if I don't post it now I probably never will. SO here it is, thanks for reading!
