lostidentity

There is so much I want to write or type on here, but while I organize my thoughts together I want to say that the idea of someone else reading my journal makes me feel kinda guilty because I bitch about my depression a lot and it gets boring. I just feel bad for the reader because I really don't have an fascinating life, nor do I want one. The only thing I want out of life is a family. Thats it. Family. Ever since my stepfather moved last summer, I've been on my own. The closest family I have is in NE Penn. and I don't make it up there too often. I have to talk about my depression/frustrations though, otherwise I'd end up doing a 'postal worker' act and end up in jail. Thats actually why I paid to become a member here. But am I really depressed or just frustrated? I like to think frustrated, but if you won't admit that theres a problem in the first place, then whats the point?

I am currently listening to some CD I made a few years ago and I labeled it "the heavy girls". Its kind of stayed in my vaults for a while. I wanted to listen to something different so I put it in expecting Kitty. What I didn't realize, was that this cd is maybe two songs kitty, five songs Modest Mouse, and well...its still playing. WHy did I label it the heavy girls if theres only a couple girl band on there? I can't wait till next week so I have some money to buy the Metallica show I was at. My first concert ever!! I am slime. Never been to another show you say? Yep. But there havn't been that many bands that I've been interested in anyway. I've never really been exposed to lesser known bands untill about a year ago. Now I'm slowly starting to hear some lesser known bands like Lacuna Coil? Dont know if I spelled the name right, but I remember hearing this mysteriously soothing female voice one night and thats definitely the next album I get. Thank god for the local dj's here, matt and huggie or huggy. Every friday night at 12am they have this show called rockers and they play a bunch of old school and new metal. I totally love the heavy aspect of it, but don't really like the screaming as much. Anyway, the only bands I would have an interest in seeing anymore are Green Day, Audioslave, System of a down, and maybe korn, even though I'm not really into korn.

Hopefully, sometime soon, I will get to hooking up my cam and having cybersex with anyone willing.........err, right..I've never had cam sex with anyone. I've shown off my goods for others, but never got to actualy doing anything. I dont' think its great nor do I think its dumb. Anyway, I can take snap shots of myself and post them on the internet. YAY! I gave one of the suicide girls a comment yesterday, Frenchie, and said that there was something hidden in her post that I could relate to. She said that she was tired of the internet and "I'm naked on the internet!" I hope she doens't think that I'm trying to 'sympathize' with her. I just wanted to let her know that if she's tired of it, to quit, and that if people hate her for that, fuck them.

I can never figure out where my love for chicks with different colored hair came from. I don't have any piercings or tattoos, but hopefully I'll get a tattoo someday. I don't think of them as turn-ons or turn-offs. But colored hair is definitely a turn on! Ok, I've typed too much, my god I feel so relived though.