lord_shade

Title: Castle of Breadcrumbs

You know, I was starting to get used to this life.

I had a job. Not a good job. Not one I enjoyed. Low pay, but it was enough for me to get by with a little bit extra. I had some friends, not much of a social life beyond D&D with the boyos, my computer which is my lifeline and my blood, and a few little things to keep my entertained. I had just enough to keep me occupied. Mostly bored, but enough so that I didn't crack up too much.

I have become too complacent, and allowed life to just pass by. Time almost has no meaning. I always seem to have time to wait, and I'm never hasty about anything anymore.

My life became lazy.

That bubble burst last sunday. I got my usual call from my parents. They always ask how I am doing with my job search, and I always tell them the same thing. I have sent some resumes. I am working on it. That is all I can tell them. It was to keep them happy.

Truthfully (though I fear they read this), I had given up hope on ever finding a decent job. Therefore, I sank into this complacent life, did what was necessary, and dared not risk venturing any further, for fear of being let down again. I have searched soooooo long, came up with nothing, so what was the point anymore? Might as well become a janitor, because that is all I seemed fated to be.

My dad snapped me out of that real quick.

He accused me of being too comfortable with my job, for having money in my pocket, for being too used to getting by. For that, I will credit my old man. He is right.

It has sunk me into a depression. I can barely eat at some points, and at others I eat too much just for the sake of eating as a distraction. I mope at work, and snap at anything that offends me. It has strained my relationship with my friends and roommates.

I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm trying goddammit! Not to get better in life and make my parents happy. God knows, I want to make them happy because I owe them!

I'm just trying to dig myself out, and I don't know how. I'm mired in my feelings. God, how it makes me feel sick inside!

But my old man is right. I have been too complacent. Therefore, starting this morning, I have done what I have never done for quite a few months. I sent a resume. No, I sent five. I couldn't get sleep, and I felt that if I did something, anything to fight what was becoming my shit life, I would feel better and get some sleep.

I hope it works.

So, I hope it produces some results, because I need them so badly. To make my parents happy and to restore my confidence and faith in the job market, I must do this.

I pray, seriously pray, that this time my search actually works. I don't believe it will be too effective, but I pray that it will.

I am also reminded of a problem with my parents and myself. I owe them money for college. I couldn't pay all my tuition, so they paid the rest. However, it is a loan, so now I have that big smokin' chain wrapped around my neck.

I fear that I will never gain their respect or become their equals as long as I owe them. This I have felt since that phone call.