Well I'm feeling the loneliness a lot lately. I mean, I've always been ok with just being by myself but recently I've been wanting to be around SOMEbody-- shit, ANYbody!! But I really want someone to hold me.. and kiss me. My girl is up in Kentucky and its been more than 6 months since I last kissed her and it sucks. Anybody who has been with me would probably laugh if they heard me say this shit. Cause anyone I've ever been in a relationship with is used to me being cold and distant. Their used to me pulling away when they go to touch me.. their used to me making up some fucked up excuse why I can't kiss them or fuck them. And I irritate myself when I do that shit.. Before I am formally 'dating' someone I want to fuck them like crazy. I want to make out all the time and hold hands and all that shit. Then once we're 'together' or once we move in with each other (which ALWAYS seems to happen way to fucking quick) I don't want them to touch me! Like I turn into a real bitch.. and I feel so bad about it but is it better if I just pretended like I liked them touching me?? Anyways.. so that seems to be my pattern. And before my girl left that's how I was getting.. so how fucked up is it that now I want some affection -- hello.. beggars can't be choosers, right? But I can't help it, that's the way I feel. I mean, it's gotten to the point that I forget what its like to be touched. But I think that's most of my problem to begin with..
See, I know the reasons why I have trouble with these demonstrations of affection. In my immediate family, we just don't touch. As sad as it is the last and one of the only times that I remember being touched by my mother or father was when I wound up in jail.. the time before that was when I was in detox and the time before that I was in the ER. When I think back to my childhood.. my parents NEVER touched me. No hugs.. no kisses. None of that. The only time my skin came in contact with my mothers was when she was pinching me, hitting me, grabbing me or slapping me. Now I'm not trying to paint a picture of physical abuse because it was never that bad to the extent that I would call it physical abuse but when I was 6 my friend did call HRS on my parents. But my parents said that it was because I was an overly dramatic child and when I got a spanking a would scream and cry. And when I think about that now, I find it really sad. How can you say that I was screaming and crying because I was overly dramatic?! The reason that most children scream and cry are because they are in pain or because they are scared!! So maybe that's one reason I have issues with human touch.
Then of course the only time that I clearly recollect any sort of affectionate touching when I was a child was from my cousin and teacher and great uncle while they were molesting me. And that in itself is confusing for a kid... I mean, I was finally getting some affection but then I come to find out that what happened was wrong and bad and dirty. So now in my child mind I am connecting the only affectionate touching that I had ever experienced with a shameful, dirty act.
Now that I think back maybe my parents DID show me affection when I was very little and I just don't remember it. The molestation crap happened when I was like 5 so I hardly recall anything before that (most everything before age 12 is extremely vague). Maybe that's one of the reasons that my parents didn't touch me... maybe that scared them. And then that would have made my child mind say.. 'Well now your parents won't even touch you. You must be tainted. That type of touch must be all your good for.. shameful, dirty touching.' Could I possibly have equated, at such a young age, not deserving physical affection with a broken, soiled sense of self? Could this be why it is so much easier for me to shove my pussy in someone's face but tremble at the thought of someone running their fingers down my back? Is this why when my girl hugs me I feel like I want to push her off me and run away even though I love her so much?
Wow. I didn't mean to drag on with my sob story but sometimes it really helps to think this stuff all the way out. In some ways when you piece it together, you let it go. I just feel awful when I can't physically reciprocate the affection that my lover gives me. I've always felt like I was a bad girlfriend for that... and that goes back to the wrong, bad, dirty Meredith that I feel that I am since childhood. Well at least I see some of the connections as to why I do what I do, but it doesn't make it much easier to deal with.
Sorry if this was like... a downer. hehe.
See, I know the reasons why I have trouble with these demonstrations of affection. In my immediate family, we just don't touch. As sad as it is the last and one of the only times that I remember being touched by my mother or father was when I wound up in jail.. the time before that was when I was in detox and the time before that I was in the ER. When I think back to my childhood.. my parents NEVER touched me. No hugs.. no kisses. None of that. The only time my skin came in contact with my mothers was when she was pinching me, hitting me, grabbing me or slapping me. Now I'm not trying to paint a picture of physical abuse because it was never that bad to the extent that I would call it physical abuse but when I was 6 my friend did call HRS on my parents. But my parents said that it was because I was an overly dramatic child and when I got a spanking a would scream and cry. And when I think about that now, I find it really sad. How can you say that I was screaming and crying because I was overly dramatic?! The reason that most children scream and cry are because they are in pain or because they are scared!! So maybe that's one reason I have issues with human touch.
Then of course the only time that I clearly recollect any sort of affectionate touching when I was a child was from my cousin and teacher and great uncle while they were molesting me. And that in itself is confusing for a kid... I mean, I was finally getting some affection but then I come to find out that what happened was wrong and bad and dirty. So now in my child mind I am connecting the only affectionate touching that I had ever experienced with a shameful, dirty act.
Now that I think back maybe my parents DID show me affection when I was very little and I just don't remember it. The molestation crap happened when I was like 5 so I hardly recall anything before that (most everything before age 12 is extremely vague). Maybe that's one of the reasons that my parents didn't touch me... maybe that scared them. And then that would have made my child mind say.. 'Well now your parents won't even touch you. You must be tainted. That type of touch must be all your good for.. shameful, dirty touching.' Could I possibly have equated, at such a young age, not deserving physical affection with a broken, soiled sense of self? Could this be why it is so much easier for me to shove my pussy in someone's face but tremble at the thought of someone running their fingers down my back? Is this why when my girl hugs me I feel like I want to push her off me and run away even though I love her so much?
Wow. I didn't mean to drag on with my sob story but sometimes it really helps to think this stuff all the way out. In some ways when you piece it together, you let it go. I just feel awful when I can't physically reciprocate the affection that my lover gives me. I've always felt like I was a bad girlfriend for that... and that goes back to the wrong, bad, dirty Meredith that I feel that I am since childhood. Well at least I see some of the connections as to why I do what I do, but it doesn't make it much easier to deal with.
Sorry if this was like... a downer. hehe.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
sapphic_fire:
you need to get out of the house and go hang out with some people dude... its not good to stay indoors when you're down....
gayballs:
she back from KY yet?