Why do I have to feel the worst on the day everybody's gone?
I have an idea for a Firefox plug-in but it looks like it's not possible. I want to be able to make it so if you have someone on ignore, and they get quoted, their quoted statement is also hidden. I soooo want to figure it out
But it looks like ignored comments are generated by PHP, and I can see that the ignore list is stored in a database which I can't access with a plug-in. I mean, I know one little trick I could do, but it's not guaranteed to work. Still, may be better than nothing.
I'm moving in with A ! It's basically final. I visited her place again today and got a really good feeling about it. When I first saw it a week ago, I had just seen that beautiful and gorgeous single family home the day before and was still a bit dazzled by it, so seeing A's place, which is a bit run-down, I was discouraged. But visiting again today I felt very different. It's a cozy place, in a fairly nice area. And A is very nice herself. I think it will be good.
I may not be moving in for a while. It depends on when she can manage to get the rooms painted, which may prove difficult because it's such a small job that nobody seems to want to take it. But her dad is coming into town on business soon and he said he'd do it if no one else will, if he can.
Really, the longer it takes the better for me. Mom waited kind of long to do the mortgage and loan stuff in order to buy me out, so I may not have the money until next month or later. I don't have much savings left to live on. And the longer it takes, the more likely it will be that I'll get a job in the meantime. I really hope I get a job soon :-\\
I read a book yesterday in the park. I decided that since it was a holiday and a nice weekend I should be out of the house, so I took a couple books and walked to the park to read.
While I was there, a couple punk kids walked by... and laughed at me! I know, I know, you're all going to say they weren't laughing at me and I'm just getting paranoid. But as I was sitting there I was realizing that I looked pretty strange. I was really hunched over my book and my arms were all pulled in close. I know an onlooker would have been able to tell I was uncomfortable and awkward out there. Not five minutes later those punk kids walked past one more time... and laughed again!
Sitting out there I decided that although it hurts to get laughed at, or at least to perceive getting laughed at, I should persevere and not let that keep me locked away in my room all the time. However, now, being back in the comfort of my room where I have SO much less to worry about, I don't feel like going back out to read again.
I remembered as I was out there that I used to obsess on the reactions of others ALL the time. And maybe if I start to go out more I'll start to obsess again. I really hate it. But I haven't done that since I was in school earlier this year, because since I stopped going to school I've been locked away and haven't gone out much at all.
The obsession is a REALLY bad feeling. It makes me want to stay in just thinking about it. I wish I could be stronger than that.
And it makes me start to beat myself up more. I'll notice myself doing something that others might find weird, and I feel embarrassed and stop. Redbeard3 suggested trying to appear more confident when I'm out around other people. Part of me wants to be defiant and say "screw outward confidence!" and allow myself to be as weird as I feel like, you know? It's good advice though and I probably wouldn't last long letting myself be so weird.
Anyway I feel like crap today. The visit to A's place was good, but maybe part of my miserableness for the rest of the day is my anxiety over the fact that I really am moving soon. My inability to leave the house today except for the morning visit is making me feel worse.
Also I've lost weight. I've been hovering around 110 lbs trying not to lose any more (it's best if I'm around 120) but now I'm down to 109-8. I've been afraid all this time to ask questions in the nutrition and diet group. I'm still afraid. People are going to tell me to go to a nutritionist or a doctor and I can't afford that right now. I can tell them that, but I have a feeling their replies will scare me away anyway.
I should try to eat breakfast, but I absolutely despise all cereal with milk. If you've read my profile you know of my hatred of milk. I can't even stand the small amount I put in cereal. I don't really like the actual cereal either. It all tastes pretty bad to me. Actually cereal seems a little... wrong. Unnatural. It seems strange to me to put a bunch of dry lumps of grainy stuff in a puddle of milk. I didn't really grow up eating cereal so maybe I'm just not used to it.
I could use more protein but I don't think it would be healthy to eat fried eggs every morning.
There's also oatmeal. I'd have to learn to make it myself because I hate the packaged kind. I want to ask in the Kitchen group for recipes but I'm feeling awfully shy. I should though.
Lately though I've been eating a LOT more than usual, ever since I went to the grocery store. I have more of an appetite it seems, so I'm actually eating the food I bought. Unfortunately, the introduction of such a strange variety of food and so much of it has upset my stomach. It was bad yesterday, it's bad today. I have a casserole dish full of rice pilaf in front of me and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to eat.
And I'm kind of worried about my mom because I'm realizing just how weird and wacky she's become. She's hard to be around. I'm worried of course that something is physically wrong with her, but it's much more likely she's just being affected by the events in her life including my moving out. Or it could be the other way around and I've just become so much more sensitive that her behavior bothers me a lot more than usual.
I'm stressing about the upcoming Annie concert.
I just feel overwhelmed today. I think I just need to spend the rest of the day relaxing. I should be keeping busy though. Reading has proved to be a good way to keep my mind occupied and I'm going to try to do a lot more of that. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better and will be able to read in the park again.
When I was first trying to read in the park I kept getting distracted a lot. Those kids laughing when they passed me by started off a lot of negative thoughts and worries. Not to mention I kept thinking about Annie every five seconds. I'm hardly exaggerating! I didn't like that. They weren't good thoughts, they were nerve-wracking thoughts.
Luckily I found later that night that I could still manage to get into the groove of reading and lose myself in the book.
I'm reading a kids' mystery called Holes which they turned into a movie a couple years ago. It's cute, though I've seen through a couple of the mysteries already. I like it though. It's fun, light-hearted reading.
After this I've decided to read book 3 of Hitchhiker's again, Life, the Universe, and Everything. I really enjoyed it when I read through the whole series a few months ago.
Maybe after that I should read Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently books, since the copies I have belong to a friend and I really shouldn't be keeping them this long.
Should I give Narnia another go? I read the first two... didn't like it. I want to give up on it. I'm not really interested in what happens to the characters enough to read through to the end. The Christian symbolism has me a little jittery too. I feel like I'm skipping a classic work of fantasy-ish literature... but it's not like I'm required to like something that's considered a classic. I may just skip it.
Actually that's the exact order of the to-read list I have on my bookcrossing bookshelf page.
Ugh. After Salmon of Doubt I planned to start reading Dune. We'll see how that goes. I bought the first book but I'm probably just going to get the rest from the libary. Can't excape Lisa, our little walking libary!
Foilage. Heh.
I'm feeling all messed up
I have a voice inside my head it says turn to the left
then it says turn to the right
don't want to bring you down
but I am really needing guidance now
What would you do within my shoes
(don't cry) I'm going crazy
(stay high) I've never felt so low
(don't hide) I want to turn and run
we've got to find a place to go
(chorus)
so when you're feeling kind of mixed up
just remember it's a mixed up world
and when you're feeling life is just too tough
just remember you're a real tough girl
I look around my life
And all I see is contradiction and a lack of faith
Cynicism rules the day
I know it has it's place
But I am really needing guidance now
Reminding me I'm strong inside
(don't cry) I know you love me
(stay high) and we'll make it through this time
(don't hide) I want to feel the sun
we've got to start to take control
(chorus)
(why) do I feel this pain
(why) has this world gone insane
I have an idea for a Firefox plug-in but it looks like it's not possible. I want to be able to make it so if you have someone on ignore, and they get quoted, their quoted statement is also hidden. I soooo want to figure it out
But it looks like ignored comments are generated by PHP, and I can see that the ignore list is stored in a database which I can't access with a plug-in. I mean, I know one little trick I could do, but it's not guaranteed to work. Still, may be better than nothing.
I'm moving in with A ! It's basically final. I visited her place again today and got a really good feeling about it. When I first saw it a week ago, I had just seen that beautiful and gorgeous single family home the day before and was still a bit dazzled by it, so seeing A's place, which is a bit run-down, I was discouraged. But visiting again today I felt very different. It's a cozy place, in a fairly nice area. And A is very nice herself. I think it will be good.
I may not be moving in for a while. It depends on when she can manage to get the rooms painted, which may prove difficult because it's such a small job that nobody seems to want to take it. But her dad is coming into town on business soon and he said he'd do it if no one else will, if he can.
Really, the longer it takes the better for me. Mom waited kind of long to do the mortgage and loan stuff in order to buy me out, so I may not have the money until next month or later. I don't have much savings left to live on. And the longer it takes, the more likely it will be that I'll get a job in the meantime. I really hope I get a job soon :-\\
I read a book yesterday in the park. I decided that since it was a holiday and a nice weekend I should be out of the house, so I took a couple books and walked to the park to read.
While I was there, a couple punk kids walked by... and laughed at me! I know, I know, you're all going to say they weren't laughing at me and I'm just getting paranoid. But as I was sitting there I was realizing that I looked pretty strange. I was really hunched over my book and my arms were all pulled in close. I know an onlooker would have been able to tell I was uncomfortable and awkward out there. Not five minutes later those punk kids walked past one more time... and laughed again!
Sitting out there I decided that although it hurts to get laughed at, or at least to perceive getting laughed at, I should persevere and not let that keep me locked away in my room all the time. However, now, being back in the comfort of my room where I have SO much less to worry about, I don't feel like going back out to read again.
I remembered as I was out there that I used to obsess on the reactions of others ALL the time. And maybe if I start to go out more I'll start to obsess again. I really hate it. But I haven't done that since I was in school earlier this year, because since I stopped going to school I've been locked away and haven't gone out much at all.
The obsession is a REALLY bad feeling. It makes me want to stay in just thinking about it. I wish I could be stronger than that.
And it makes me start to beat myself up more. I'll notice myself doing something that others might find weird, and I feel embarrassed and stop. Redbeard3 suggested trying to appear more confident when I'm out around other people. Part of me wants to be defiant and say "screw outward confidence!" and allow myself to be as weird as I feel like, you know? It's good advice though and I probably wouldn't last long letting myself be so weird.
Anyway I feel like crap today. The visit to A's place was good, but maybe part of my miserableness for the rest of the day is my anxiety over the fact that I really am moving soon. My inability to leave the house today except for the morning visit is making me feel worse.
Also I've lost weight. I've been hovering around 110 lbs trying not to lose any more (it's best if I'm around 120) but now I'm down to 109-8. I've been afraid all this time to ask questions in the nutrition and diet group. I'm still afraid. People are going to tell me to go to a nutritionist or a doctor and I can't afford that right now. I can tell them that, but I have a feeling their replies will scare me away anyway.
I should try to eat breakfast, but I absolutely despise all cereal with milk. If you've read my profile you know of my hatred of milk. I can't even stand the small amount I put in cereal. I don't really like the actual cereal either. It all tastes pretty bad to me. Actually cereal seems a little... wrong. Unnatural. It seems strange to me to put a bunch of dry lumps of grainy stuff in a puddle of milk. I didn't really grow up eating cereal so maybe I'm just not used to it.
I could use more protein but I don't think it would be healthy to eat fried eggs every morning.
There's also oatmeal. I'd have to learn to make it myself because I hate the packaged kind. I want to ask in the Kitchen group for recipes but I'm feeling awfully shy. I should though.
Lately though I've been eating a LOT more than usual, ever since I went to the grocery store. I have more of an appetite it seems, so I'm actually eating the food I bought. Unfortunately, the introduction of such a strange variety of food and so much of it has upset my stomach. It was bad yesterday, it's bad today. I have a casserole dish full of rice pilaf in front of me and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to eat.
And I'm kind of worried about my mom because I'm realizing just how weird and wacky she's become. She's hard to be around. I'm worried of course that something is physically wrong with her, but it's much more likely she's just being affected by the events in her life including my moving out. Or it could be the other way around and I've just become so much more sensitive that her behavior bothers me a lot more than usual.
I'm stressing about the upcoming Annie concert.
I just feel overwhelmed today. I think I just need to spend the rest of the day relaxing. I should be keeping busy though. Reading has proved to be a good way to keep my mind occupied and I'm going to try to do a lot more of that. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better and will be able to read in the park again.
When I was first trying to read in the park I kept getting distracted a lot. Those kids laughing when they passed me by started off a lot of negative thoughts and worries. Not to mention I kept thinking about Annie every five seconds. I'm hardly exaggerating! I didn't like that. They weren't good thoughts, they were nerve-wracking thoughts.
Luckily I found later that night that I could still manage to get into the groove of reading and lose myself in the book.
I'm reading a kids' mystery called Holes which they turned into a movie a couple years ago. It's cute, though I've seen through a couple of the mysteries already. I like it though. It's fun, light-hearted reading.
After this I've decided to read book 3 of Hitchhiker's again, Life, the Universe, and Everything. I really enjoyed it when I read through the whole series a few months ago.
Maybe after that I should read Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently books, since the copies I have belong to a friend and I really shouldn't be keeping them this long.
Should I give Narnia another go? I read the first two... didn't like it. I want to give up on it. I'm not really interested in what happens to the characters enough to read through to the end. The Christian symbolism has me a little jittery too. I feel like I'm skipping a classic work of fantasy-ish literature... but it's not like I'm required to like something that's considered a classic. I may just skip it.
Actually that's the exact order of the to-read list I have on my bookcrossing bookshelf page.
Ugh. After Salmon of Doubt I planned to start reading Dune. We'll see how that goes. I bought the first book but I'm probably just going to get the rest from the libary. Can't excape Lisa, our little walking libary!
Foilage. Heh.
I'm feeling all messed up
I have a voice inside my head it says turn to the left
then it says turn to the right
don't want to bring you down
but I am really needing guidance now
What would you do within my shoes
(don't cry) I'm going crazy
(stay high) I've never felt so low
(don't hide) I want to turn and run
we've got to find a place to go
(chorus)
so when you're feeling kind of mixed up
just remember it's a mixed up world
and when you're feeling life is just too tough
just remember you're a real tough girl
I look around my life
And all I see is contradiction and a lack of faith
Cynicism rules the day
I know it has it's place
But I am really needing guidance now
Reminding me I'm strong inside
(don't cry) I know you love me
(stay high) and we'll make it through this time
(don't hide) I want to feel the sun
we've got to start to take control
(chorus)
(why) do I feel this pain
(why) has this world gone insane
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I get the same way with comments/laughing from strangers. The best thing - for me at least - is just focussing on something else.
Milk is a very strange thing - I don't hate it but it begs a few questions. Mainly - who was the first person to look at a cow and think - 'I wonder what would happen if I tugged on those wibbly bits? Oh! How strange! I'll just taste a bit of that...Hmm! I bet I could find a market for this!"
Anyway...
"No mom, it's foliage...fo-li-age!"
"That's what I said! Foilage!"
[Edited on Sep 05, 2005 9:47PM]
you know what, forget those punks laughing at you....it's really all about doing what you want to do and damn anybody's opinion........it does take some confidence and reserve and acting normally and naturally and not trying to hard, but i'm sure you can do it.......on my days off i head to a bench in the park and just sit for 15-30 minutes and chill........i think it's good to get out..........
congrats on finding a place...i hope that all comes together really soon, you need a change.....!