Gaycorn!
Show your gay pride with gaycorn! It's the world's first gay acorn. (Actually, I could easily not be the first person to think of this, but the image is my own creation, at least. I'm kind of afraid of how the term might have been used before.
) National Coming Out Day is October 11th, so now you have something to post in your journal to celebrate! You don't have to be, you know, gay to post it. Be brave and show the world that you support the gay community with GAYCORN!
In case you haven't noticed, uh, I'm gay. I mean, I talk about my girlfriend a lot, and if you bother to check my profile, it says FEMALE in big letters near the top (yes, I am a girl). I guess I always suspected it or whatever, and I'm sure the people around me could tell pretty easily. It wasn't until I met Molly that I felt comfortable identifying as such. Now I'm 100% sure of it. I mean, I've never even been curious about guys at all, but I thought it was because I wasn't giving them a chance (for various reasons). At this point, I'm like "whatever, man". I know what I like, I know what I don't, and I shouldn't worry about changing because other people think I should. (Which is a point many of you made in response to my last journal entry.)
Maybe I should add a little pixelly message to gaycorn about gay pride or National Coming Out Day or something. Feedback is welcome.
I had yet another panic attack during school today. I was doing fine until I was on the way to the classroom building. I actually remember that I started to have a panic attack at about the exact same place on campus several years ago. It was one of the first ones I had after the two big, nasty ones that sent me to the hospital.
As an aside, having to go to the hospital because of a panic attack is not fun to begin with, but it's even worse because the hospital staff are utterly unsympathetic. Most people with panic attacks are not going to die or have a heart attack or go crazy, even though it may very well feel like it, so the hospital staff consider you to be wasting their time and resources. Having people roll their eyes at you or flat out ignore you is not going to make someone with a panic attack feel any better, and will probably make them more scared and panicked.
Anyway, I had been to the hospital twice in that past year (I think '04) for panic attacks, and then one day on campus, walking to the classroom building, I started feeling like everyone was watching me, even though I knew full well that they weren't. It wasn't paranoia. If I had believed people were watching me, then, yeah, paranoia. But I knew they weren't. It just felt like it.
I walked to the classroom and felt so uncomfortable and creeped out that I had to leave. I walked to the parking lot to get in my car and just drive home. As I walked closer and closer to the lot, the fear was growing and growing until I could barely walk. I stumbled over to the emergency phone conveniently located a few feet away, pressed the button, and told them I needed help. They stayed on the phone with me for a little while and said they were sending someone.
A couple of police officers pulled up in a cop car. They asked me if I was OK and I told them that I felt very scared and didn't know what was going on. They didn't really understand what was happening. They gave me this nasty bottle of water that was really supposed to be used for cleaning wounds and the like (thankfully it had never been opened) and I drank it, sitting on a bench while they stood with me and tried to keep me calm. Eventually the bad feelings passed and I said I would be OK, so the cops went on their way.
That was the first "manageable" panic attack I had, after the two bad ones. I didn't understand what it was, nor did my psychiatrist, until after I had a bunch more over time.
I have had a panic attack almost every day of school this semester. The summer semester wasn't so bad because I was still taking the Klonopin then, but then that got bad because I was taking it so often (not every day, though) that it was looking like I was becoming dependent on it. So in the end I stopped taking it, and now I've had to suffer panic attacks that last all day long. We tried a non-addictive anti-anxiety medication, but it didn't seem to be helping and it was giving me some side-effects that I wasn't willing to put up with. My doc says the only other option would be an SSRI anti-depressant, but those are notorious for sexual side-effects, and I have enough sexual dysfunction on my own, thank you very much.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this or why I said all this stuff, but I guess I just had to vent about the awful reality of having day-long panic attacks almost every Tuesday and Thursday. My therapist seems to think that usually a panic attack is preceded by a thought. When I said that I can't remember any particular thought going through my head, she said that sometimes the thought goes by so fast that you don't even notice it. I have started to think that this is bunk. I'm thinking that my panic attacks are more physical than mental or something. Maybe visual, because during my attacks I feel compelled to focus on small circles, pixels, letters, etc. to stay calm.
I have noticed that the panic attacks will sometimes start when I unconsciously focus on small things like that, or am concentrating my attention on something small. I will get panic attacks at grocery stores when focussing on small print on boxes and packages. I think today's panic attack started when I noticed the little holes in the concrete sidewalk. I had a panic attack when just thinking of someone's name on this site that had a letter with a dot in it.
I guess that's it, then. I've figured it out. But how on Earth am I going to prevent myself from focussing on small things like that? By the time I notice I'm doing it, it's usually too late and the panic attack has already started. Well, I'm glad I wrote about it, anyway, because now I have a better idea of what to tell my therapist and psychiatrist the next time I see them.
I've written enough! Until next time, be safe and eat your veggies. I'm warnin' you!!
P.S. This is very funny and was stuck in my head today.
Show your gay pride with gaycorn! It's the world's first gay acorn. (Actually, I could easily not be the first person to think of this, but the image is my own creation, at least. I'm kind of afraid of how the term might have been used before.
) National Coming Out Day is October 11th, so now you have something to post in your journal to celebrate! You don't have to be, you know, gay to post it. Be brave and show the world that you support the gay community with GAYCORN!In case you haven't noticed, uh, I'm gay. I mean, I talk about my girlfriend a lot, and if you bother to check my profile, it says FEMALE in big letters near the top (yes, I am a girl). I guess I always suspected it or whatever, and I'm sure the people around me could tell pretty easily. It wasn't until I met Molly that I felt comfortable identifying as such. Now I'm 100% sure of it. I mean, I've never even been curious about guys at all, but I thought it was because I wasn't giving them a chance (for various reasons). At this point, I'm like "whatever, man". I know what I like, I know what I don't, and I shouldn't worry about changing because other people think I should. (Which is a point many of you made in response to my last journal entry.)
Maybe I should add a little pixelly message to gaycorn about gay pride or National Coming Out Day or something. Feedback is welcome.
I had yet another panic attack during school today. I was doing fine until I was on the way to the classroom building. I actually remember that I started to have a panic attack at about the exact same place on campus several years ago. It was one of the first ones I had after the two big, nasty ones that sent me to the hospital.
As an aside, having to go to the hospital because of a panic attack is not fun to begin with, but it's even worse because the hospital staff are utterly unsympathetic. Most people with panic attacks are not going to die or have a heart attack or go crazy, even though it may very well feel like it, so the hospital staff consider you to be wasting their time and resources. Having people roll their eyes at you or flat out ignore you is not going to make someone with a panic attack feel any better, and will probably make them more scared and panicked.
Anyway, I had been to the hospital twice in that past year (I think '04) for panic attacks, and then one day on campus, walking to the classroom building, I started feeling like everyone was watching me, even though I knew full well that they weren't. It wasn't paranoia. If I had believed people were watching me, then, yeah, paranoia. But I knew they weren't. It just felt like it.
I walked to the classroom and felt so uncomfortable and creeped out that I had to leave. I walked to the parking lot to get in my car and just drive home. As I walked closer and closer to the lot, the fear was growing and growing until I could barely walk. I stumbled over to the emergency phone conveniently located a few feet away, pressed the button, and told them I needed help. They stayed on the phone with me for a little while and said they were sending someone.
A couple of police officers pulled up in a cop car. They asked me if I was OK and I told them that I felt very scared and didn't know what was going on. They didn't really understand what was happening. They gave me this nasty bottle of water that was really supposed to be used for cleaning wounds and the like (thankfully it had never been opened) and I drank it, sitting on a bench while they stood with me and tried to keep me calm. Eventually the bad feelings passed and I said I would be OK, so the cops went on their way.
That was the first "manageable" panic attack I had, after the two bad ones. I didn't understand what it was, nor did my psychiatrist, until after I had a bunch more over time.
I have had a panic attack almost every day of school this semester. The summer semester wasn't so bad because I was still taking the Klonopin then, but then that got bad because I was taking it so often (not every day, though) that it was looking like I was becoming dependent on it. So in the end I stopped taking it, and now I've had to suffer panic attacks that last all day long. We tried a non-addictive anti-anxiety medication, but it didn't seem to be helping and it was giving me some side-effects that I wasn't willing to put up with. My doc says the only other option would be an SSRI anti-depressant, but those are notorious for sexual side-effects, and I have enough sexual dysfunction on my own, thank you very much.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this or why I said all this stuff, but I guess I just had to vent about the awful reality of having day-long panic attacks almost every Tuesday and Thursday. My therapist seems to think that usually a panic attack is preceded by a thought. When I said that I can't remember any particular thought going through my head, she said that sometimes the thought goes by so fast that you don't even notice it. I have started to think that this is bunk. I'm thinking that my panic attacks are more physical than mental or something. Maybe visual, because during my attacks I feel compelled to focus on small circles, pixels, letters, etc. to stay calm.
I have noticed that the panic attacks will sometimes start when I unconsciously focus on small things like that, or am concentrating my attention on something small. I will get panic attacks at grocery stores when focussing on small print on boxes and packages. I think today's panic attack started when I noticed the little holes in the concrete sidewalk. I had a panic attack when just thinking of someone's name on this site that had a letter with a dot in it.
I guess that's it, then. I've figured it out. But how on Earth am I going to prevent myself from focussing on small things like that? By the time I notice I'm doing it, it's usually too late and the panic attack has already started. Well, I'm glad I wrote about it, anyway, because now I have a better idea of what to tell my therapist and psychiatrist the next time I see them.
I've written enough! Until next time, be safe and eat your veggies. I'm warnin' you!!
P.S. This is very funny and was stuck in my head today.
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AHHHH MINESWEEPER! I was so addicted to that in like 1998. Man. Good times. This was way before I had MySpace and SG, though. I don't know how anyone actually manages to work these days...