lily

Good morning Death,
this time it wasn't such a happy one, I listened to him scream for about forty five minutes and then gave up.
two dead, one was my old dope dealer and he was a scum bag so no tears to shed for that.
and the other, well the other was like a sister except for the sexual tension. vanished from this earth like she didn't want to be there anyways. I remember her, pretty and dead eyed with her natural irish hair. I remember one night she Od'd in the bathroom of mcdonalds, the door was always locked, for some reason they always called the paramedics just in time to save her. I sat there watching her dog for seven hours till she came back with tears in her eyes. I knew she was going to be sick and the cops had confiscated all her dope so i sat there panhandling and scored for her. "The cops" She screamed "They fucking robbed me". "well we should go fill out a police report" i said sarcastically. "It's not fucking funny Lily, I'm gonna be sick, you know what the fuck narcan does."
"Relax" i said "I scored for you.
she twirled around like a lost gypsy and screamed at me psychotically "Why the FUCK are you always here to save me?" she yelled.
"Because i love you dawn, even though you hate yourself."
She curled up next to me and put her head on my shoulder.
"Maybe i wanted to die in that bathroom" she whispered.
"well maybe your angels didn't want that" I whispered back.
"Thanks for watching my dog"She said and kissed my cheek.
we walked back to the squat that night and as i was about to fall asleep she crawled into my bed and curled up next to me.
"Maybe you're my angel" she whispered in my ear and she slept in my bed every night after that until that squat got busted. we were always planning on leaving the city together but everytime i got clean she'd still be strung out.
she used to say " You remind me of me when i was your age, I really cared about people and things and was so idealistic and thought that i could really help change the world."
she wasn't even that much older than me.
"and then?" i asked her.
"and then the world fucked me." she said.
why do i always fall in love with the broken ones?
i couldn't cry last night, couldn't breathe, couldn't move, this girl had od'd so many times the paramedics knew her on a first name basis, so why now?
why the fuck now? i hadn't seen her in months, the last time i'd seen her she was crippled trying to trick and her makeup was running. maybe i was her angel and i lost her in the midst of all of my maddness and starvation from a world i just couldn't be a part of anymore because i knew i would end up just like Dawn. The tears came today in a flood in the shower as a flood of stupid and beautiful memories tore through my head.
Goodmorning Death. I loved her madly.
Love, Lily