lillithvain

!Well, I was going to post lots of really cool pictures of me with all of the bands that I've met and hung out with, but when my apartment flooded for the second time, the pictures all got wet and stuck together. There was no saving them. It sucks too because now I don't remember what all concerts I've seen and stuff...But, here a few things that I've pulled up from the rubble!!! Enjoy!!!



This is the CD that KMFDM autographed for me. These guys rocked my socks off!



This is the entire band Cradle of Filth.... got to hang with them at Ozzfest a few years ago! Definitely awesome!



This is the autographed BILE CD. I have three different ones, since they seem to be switching guitar players like I change my undies! I've opened for them, they are very nice people, especially Bear who I ! The white paper above the CD is Dope. I meant them, don't care for the music but they are cool people.



This is my backstage pass from MM. It's signed by a couple of them but it's hard to make out. Also, there is a ticket stub signed by Peter Steel from Type O Negative, and one from Wolfsheim....



This is Combiechrist. If you have not heard of this band you are missing the fuck out!!! Sylvain (blue haired guy) is a good friend of mine.



This is my dog Zillah....give him much love. He's the cutest puppy EVER!!!



This is what I look like in the morning before coffee and makeup and shower, ect.... Does it frighten you? And, the bottom picture is me in LA a couple of years ago with my good friend ADAM NATION who I love to pieces!!!!! Like the hairdo? I do it myslef... takes forever

Now, more of that story I promised...

CHAPTER THREE,
Burnt Refuge

You didnt come back for a week after that day. I felt as if somehow you knew what I had done, and hated me for leaving the poor helpless boy laying in a puddle of his own tears and semen. I spent most of the week laying restlessly about my apartment, waiting for either the longing or the heat to kill me and be merciful. Unfortunately, neither happened, and that Friday I finally decided to get out and go to a local blues bar for a drink.
You were there when I got there, sitting at the bar as if you were waiting for me, and knew that I would show up. You didnt even glance at me as I came in the door, but you knew that I was there. You had on the same skirt I had given you, but had traded the old tee shirt for a long sleeved fish net instead. Your hair was loose, hanging around you, and down in your face. It covered your eyes, blue as the sky, but left your supple, blood red lips exposed.
I felt undressed compared to you. I was wearing an old black mini skirt and a plain black tank top. I hadnt even done anything with my hair. Id thrown the stringy red mess into a ponytail earlier that day, and hadnt bothered to change it before I left.
I was determined not to speak to you first. I sauntered over to the bar, sat down one seat away from you, and ordered a drink from the overweight black man that was tending it.
Vampires kiss, I murmured to him.
Right away, lady, he smiled, and walked away to make my drink.
You still didnt pay any attention to me. You were looking away, at the band across the bar setting up on the broken-down wooden stage. I tried not to notice you ignoring me.
The bartender came back with my drink and sat it down in front of me. This one is on the house, lady, he said. You look like youvie had a rough time. He smiled, and pointed to my face.
That got your attention. You glanced over at me, and smiled, pretending you hadnt noticed me there before.
I picked up my drink and moved over one seat to sit next to you. I missed you, I admitted.
You leaned over and kissed me tenderly on the half-healed cut in my lip. I didnt do that to you, did I? you asked.
No, I replied softly. You didnt.
Good. You smiled in your devastatingly handsome way. I missed you too.
Really? I asked cautiously. Then why didnt you come and see me. Have you been busy?
Um, busssy, you repeated, letting the word drag out to impossible lengths. I suppose you could say that. Yes, I think I have been busssy, You repeated again with a mocking tone. And so have you.
I was crushed. You knew about the boy, but how you knew I could only guess. I sat there mortified for a moment, and then turned away and stared into my drink.
I, um I started, but you interrupted me.
Its fine, you teased. You dont have to explain to me. Only, look at me, wont you?
I turned my head to look at you, but I couldt look into your eyes. I was ashamed of what I had done, and you knew it. You reached out and grabbed my chin, lifting my face so that I had to look directly into your eyes. I was instantly transfixed by the coldness and revulsion I found there.
Im sorry, I muttered pathetically.
Im sorry, you mocked me.
I will tell you when youre sorry and when you are not, you stated simply. Now, tell me, does you face hurt much? Did he hurt you much?
I tried to shake my head but you still held my chin firmly, forcing me to look at you. He didnt hurt me, I answered.
INCORRECT! you yelled. If you are hurt, if you are here searching for me, then you are hurt! Now tell me how he HURT you, you raved.
I felt the hot sting of tears forming in my eyes, but I knew that if I cried you would leave me sitting there at the bar alone, and that I wouldnt see you for another long period of time. So, I fought back the urge, and I fumbled for the right words.
He left me unsatisfied. He disgusted me with his inexperience, and that wounded me, I sputtered, hoping that it would sound good enough for you.
You squinted your eyes at me, and casually drew your arm back, hand made into a fist. Do you think that this would hurt you? you dared me to answer.
Luckily, I was saved then, and I didnt have to answer your question. The bartender had been watching the scenario play itself out for sometime, and had finally decided to come and interrupt.
He wiped his chubby hands on his pants legs, and placed them on the bar in front of us.
Hey, mister. There will be no hitting women in my bar, understand? he questioned. I dont want to have any trouble in here, so you either go or you play nice, got me?
I was shocked when you put down your hand. Youre right, barkeep, you smiled. There is never a good reason to hit a lady. Im sorry.
Utter amazement filled me. I stared at you, confused, even though you had let go of my chin. I didnt have any words to say, but I knew that you were reading my thoughts.
Lets leave, madam, you teased me. We have pressing business elsewhere.
I had no idea what you were referring to, but I pushed my drink away and hoisted myself off the bar stool so that I stood next to you. It turned me on, seeing your height and your long dark hair flowing over your shoulders like tidal waves.
Where are we going? I questioned.
You smiled, and took my hand in yours. I remember, it was so very cold, your hand, as if you had been holding a glass of ice for hours.
We walked out of the tavern together, and out onto Chillicothe Street. You seemed a little agitated still, but you held my hand tenderly and bent to kiss me as we stopped at the corner.
I have a present for you, you beamed.
Really? I asked with amazement. A present for me?
Uh hu, you nodded. I left him at your house.
What? I asked suddenly. You left who at my house?
You smiled crazily, and it frightened me. It made me want to take you somewhere secluded and have my way with you, or better yet, let you have your way with me.
Dont look so surprised, sweetheart, you purred. You know that you belong to me, and that I lust after you the same as you lust after me. Why wouldnt I get you a present, a toy, to make up for what Ivie caused you to do?
My heart raced. You pulled me forward and waved down a taxi. I could barely form words to let you know how crazy this all felt, but then I think you knew what you were doing was odd.
You teased me in the cab, running your icy hand beneath my skirt, and playing with my already wet cunt.
Ohh, I moaned, but you put your other hand over my mouth.
No words, you commanded, and I obeyed.
You stroked the fires of my desire with your fingertips, knowing just how to inflame them. You shocked me a little by scratching my inner thigh as you pulled your hand away, not letting me cum.
I watched in desire as you licked the blood from my thighs and the juices from my pussy off of your fingers without flinching. God, how I wanted you to take me then, but the cab had arrived at my house. I straightened myself out so that I could pay the driver, and get out of the car.
Thanks, I smiled at the driver, and tipped him five dollars.
You slapped me across the face as soon as he pulled away. I nearly passed out from powerful blow, but you caught me in your arms and kept me standing straight.
That show was not for his pleasure, you instructed me. Now, get down on your knees pretty one, and follow me.
You waited patiently for me to drop to my knees. I stared at you, half in wonder and half in pain. You smiled at me delightfully when I did as I was told.
Crawl, you laughed, and kicked me hard in the butt. I want your knees to bleed before we get up the stairs! You know I hate you, bitch!
I was devastated when I heard those words drip so easily from your mouth. I wondered what had changed in you so quickly. I dared not ask, for fear that you might have killed me if I had.
As I crawled, I looked up at you. You were smiling with obvious pleasure at my dislike of the situation. Your eyes glowed with happiness, approval, and something else that I couldt quite place. I wanted to see sorrow in those crystal orbs, but you showed no signs of remorse.
Look down, you demanded.
I obeyed quickly, afraid that you would kick me again, or worse.
By the time I made it painfully up the stairs, my knees were bleeding profusely from the stones and broken glass of the street. I was so hurt, so transformed by what you had made me do, that I couldt cry. I had no tears, and I felt no pain in my legs or my face any longer. I was filled with an immense rage.
You closed the door behind us. I crawled into the kitchen, leaving a trail of blood as I scuttled across the floor. I stopped at the carpet, not knowing what you wanted me to do next.
Stand up, you commanded, and I did.
Look at me, you demanded, and I did that as well.
I looked directly into your eyes, and I saw pain. I had never seen pain so immense or so desperate before. I realized that I hadnt wanted to see it, or the remorse after all.
You smiled as I glanced at you. I knew that you were longing to take me in your arms and hold me.
Come here, you stated, with some demand in your voice.
I did as you requested. I walked to you slowly, stretching my legs, and feeling the pain in them renew itself eagerly.
I am sorry, I said. It was the only thing that I could think of.
I know, you replied, as you reached for me and took me into your arms.
It was like heaven to me, being in your arms. Your hair fell down into my face, and you squeezed me tightly to you. I could hear your heart beating with short, quick palpitations.
I love you, I whispered.
You pushed me away fiercely. I looked up at you, but you werent there any longer. You had murder in your eyes, pure and simple. You looked as if you wanted to kill me, to hurt me until I had experienced the ultimate pain limit, death.
I was scared, very scared.
Follow me, you growled in a deep voice, much deeper than it normally was.
I did not hesitate. You walked quickly across the kitchen and into the bathroom. I was completely shocked when you opened the door and the boy from the other night was standing, tied to the shower head, in the tub.
Oh my god, I mumbled under my breath. What have you done?
You turned on me cruelly, and grabbed me by my hair, pulling a thick clump of it toward you. It caused me to fall forward on the floor.
Stand up! you yelled. I want you to see your present! I got it just for you!
Im sorry, I cried, as you yanked me to my feet by my hair. Im soo sorry!
I was sobbing, and I couldt help myself. I knew that you would hate it, but I couldt stop the flood of tears from spilling down my face in warm torrents. I tried to wipe at them with my hands, but you pulled them away and used them to toss me to the floor in front of the tub.
Santha, say hello to Brad, wont you?
You laughed and stepped on me. He wants to play with us tonight, and I told him that he was more than welcome to participate in our little play-time experiment, you laughed.
Now, you began, stand up, wont you, and say hello. I realize that you have already met, but I dont think either of you really know one another.
I stood up shakily, my entire body aching from the abuse you had forced upon it. I stared at the boy, pleading with him to know that I was sorry for getting him into the mess. That was what the night had become, a huge mess.
Well, you stared at me. Dont you want to greet our guest formally? Dont you think that you owe him a little respect, a little courtesy? After all, my dear, you have sealed his fate.
I sniffled, trying to keep the snot from running down my face and mingling with my tears. Im soo sorry! I pleaded with you, with him. I didnt mean for things to be this way, not like this, I sobbed pathetically.
Im sooo sorry, you mocked. Take off your clothes, and then take off his, you screeched at me. And do it quickly.
I grabbed my shirt, and pulled it up over my hair, which was sticky and dangling in my face. I looked at you for approval, but you gave me none. I quickly continued taking off my clothes. I pulled at my vinyl skirt, trying not to hit the bloody spots that used to be my knees. Still, you didnt budge from your position.
You stared at me fiercely. I pulled at my bra, but not fast enough for you. You pulled out a shiny, silver-bladed knife from your boot and cut the strap on my bra, causing it to fall off me.
I was so frightened that I could barely untie my calf-length boots, because my hands were shaking so badly. I finally managed to pull them and my socks off, just as you were reaching down to grab me.
You pulled me up by my hair once again, tugging so hard that you ripped some of it out cruelly.
Ahhh! I screamed. You pulled your hand away with nearly a handful of my hair.
Beautiful hair, you spat at me. Now take his clothes off too.
You tossed the knife into the wall, motioning me to pull it out and use it to cut his clothes off.
If you fuck it up, Ill kill him and you, understand? you hissed. Now hurry up. I have plans.
I rushed for the knife, and ripped at his shirt with it as quickly as I could. It came off easily, the knife being so sharp. Then, I put the knife down, and I took off his shoes, having to force his legs up to get them off. Lastly, I pulled down his pants and underwear in a single motion, and took them off as well.
I was embarrassed that doing so made me hot. I could feel my face flushing and my pussy getting wet, but I tried to hide it from you. I didnt want you to punish me any more.
Once both of our clothes were off, you grabbed me by my upper arm and pulled me to you again. I was sobbing now, unable to control my breathing or emotions any longer. Im sorry, I cried, and I buried my head in your chest. I love only you.
I know, you answered quietly.
You smoothed my hair out of my face, and tilted my chin up to look at you. You were a blur through my tears, but I thought that I saw compassion in your eyes. You bent down and kissed me, full on the lips. You pressed your cool mouth to mine, tasting my tears and my pain. You are so beautiful, you cooed. Now, lets play with your new toy.
I didnt like the way that you said the last part, but I knew better than to try to persuade you otherwise. I nodded my head in acceptance, and waited for your next order.
I didnt have to wait long. You picked up the knife that I had dropped, and handed it to me boldly. Cut him loose, but dont let him run. If he runs, I will punish you. Do you understand? you asked calmly.
I nodded yes, and stepped into the shower. I cut the ropes, which held Brads hands captive. He stared at me with wild, frightened eyes, as I sawed the ropes in two.
His arms dropped slowly, as if they were mechanical. Help me? he begged, but I could not help him.
His eyes were wide and frightened as he stared at me, nearly crying. I pushed him gently to the back of the tub and ran the knife blade over his chest. I cant, I whispered to him.
Enough! you shouted to me. Turn on the hot water, and only the hot water. You two need to be cleaned before we can play together.
I looked at you with fear in my eyes again, but you were no longer mad. I could see that in your face. I did as you asked me. I turned the hot water on, stood under the burning fountain, and washed myself off with soap. My cuts burnt horribly, and my skin began to turn a bright red. You motioned for me to switch places with Brad.
I pushed him under the water, knife still in my hand, and winced as he tried to hold back his screams. You didnt like that he yipped, and so you instructed me to cut him across his chest with the blade. I hesitated just a moment, but seeing the look in your eyes, I ran the blade roughly over his flesh, and made a cut about two inches long.
Good girl, you congratulated me. Youre very good.
I smiled in spite of the heat of the water and the blood coursing from Brads chest.
Get out now, both of you, and meet me on the bed after you have dried yourselves and brushed your teeth. Oh, you added, and dont try to do anything stupid, because I will know and I will hear you.
I nodded my agreement, and pulled two towels from under the sink. I handed one to Brad, and wrapped one around myself. You left the room. Brad looked at me fearfully and started to speak, but I found myself putting my hand over his mouth, and whispering in his ear, He will hear you, and you dont want that.
Brad was shaking, but he began to dry himself off. I have to tell you something.
I put my finger to my lips to quiet him, but he went on anyway.
Santha, he whispered. Please, you need to listen to me.
I growled under my breath, but nodded yes to him.
I just want you to know, that I want to do this. I want to be his slave, your toy.
He looked at the door to see if you had heard, and when you didnt come in to reprimand him, he continued.
I dont want you to think that Im doing any of this against my will. He asked me if I would come here with him. He didnt force me here. He looked in the mirror. I just wanted you to know.
I nodded my understanding to him.
The cut on his chest was bleeding freely, so I pulled the skin together with a band-aid and hoped that it would work for the meantime.
Brad and I brushed our teeth and hurried, naked, out to the bed where you were sitting patiently, wearing nothing. The sight of your naked body and your creamy white flesh stopped me in my tracks. You were so beautiful that I couldt breathe. I realized that there was no one else for me then, or ever. You were the one that made my blood boil and my pulse race with anticipation.
You waved me onto the bed, and I sat beside you. I felt myself getting wet again, but made no move to stop it. Brad was standing at the end of the bed waiting for your orders, but you gave none.
I ran my hand lovingly across your silky, white chest and up to your face. Kiss me, I begged you, but you removed my hand and stood up.
Do you want me? you asked.
More than anything, I replied huskily.
Tie him up to the end of the bed.
I rushed to do as you had asked me. I grabbed Brads hands and picked up an old telephone chord from the floor. I quickly tied his arms tightly to the end of the bed and waited for you to praise me.
I was sitting on the end of the bed near Brad. You came and sat next to me playfully. Do you like your toy, my dear? you asked me.
I like any gift from you, I whispered.
Any? you questioned. Then you will do what I want with him?
Anything for you, I vowed, looking into your eyes and seeing passion flare up in surges. Anything.
You pulled me backwards onto the bed, using your immense strength. I marveled at your power, your beauty. You yanked me to the top of the bed, and gently laid my head on the pillows, kissing my face where you had hit me. I want you so badly, you whispered to me.
And I want you, I cried out in longing. Please!
You pulled away, and I felt your cock rub my leg as you parted them. You kissed me across my chest, lingering on my nipples, nibbling here and there. You ran your tongue down my stomach, to the cleft of my cunt, and breathed warmly on it to tease me.
Oh, I pleaded. Wont you take me now?
You smiled at me, and I noticed that your face was different, contorted, almost as if you were in pain. It lasted only a moment. You buried your face between my legs, and I threw my head back in ecstasy.
You ran your tongue around my clit expertly, and then dove into my warm waiting slit with your tongue. You felt so good to me that I wanted to explode, to grab you and push your cock into me, to fill me.
You pulled away quickly, and made your way back up to my face. I ached for you to take me, but I knew that you would not. I dont know how I knew exactly, but I felt it. You put both of your hands on my face, and kissed me with eagerness and tenderness.
You are too precious for me, you whispered in my ear. I cannot bear to take you.
Please, I begged.
I could hear the longing in your voice, the urgency. I could feel your cock poised just beyond my throbbing pussy. If Id have slid down just a little, I might have been able to feel it pressing into my moistness.
No, you begged. Dont do that, you moaned as if you had read my mind.
Untie him, you ordered.
I looked at you with pain and betrayal in my eyes. I had forgotten he was there, and now that I had you so close, you wanted me to untie him and let him have his way with me. I was hurt more by that then by your violence earlier. It left a deeper scar than the ones in my flesh, but I untied him as you instructed.
He was clearly aroused by what had been transpiring on the bed in front of him. His cock was hard and ready for whatever punishment I could give it.
I want to watch, you admitted coolly. I want to instruct.
Yes, I nodded. For you.
I waited for you to tell me what you wanted, but you sat on the edge of the bed quietly instead.
What would you have me do? I asked you.
You did not speak for a moment. You looked away as if in deep thought and then glanced back to me lovingly. I would have you take me instead, you began. I would have you be by my side forever, and walk with me in the red moon light. I would have you love no other, else it break my heart, and I should die. I would take you to forbidden heights of passion tonight, but I cannot let myself. So, I would have you be pleased, and then I would be pleased, and we would sleep together in our bed of sin until the day begins again.
Beautiful, I replied. I would do all of those things for you.
Take him, you pleaded. Take him as if he were me so that I know how you would please me.
Yes, I murmured quietly. As if he were you.
Brad was stunned. He stood at the end of the bed, and stared at me with eyes full of passion and fear.
I wont hurt you, I said to him. Tonight you are the one that I love.
I pulled his arms forward until he climbed onto the bed with me. His skin was warm, nothing like your cool smooth skin. I put my hands around his neck sweetly, and pressed my lips to his trembling lips. Kiss me back, I whispered to him. There is no need to be afraid of me.
Brad moaned passionately as I inserted my tongue into his mouth, and ran it around his teeth fervently. He arched his back as I ran my hands down his chest, and rested them on his hip, drawing him near to me. I pressed myself against him, the throbbing in my nether-regions growing painful with desire.
Uh, I moaned, as I pulled my tongue from his mouth and traced a wet trail to his nipples. Pretend that you love me, I begged him. Touch me as if I were your only one.
Yes, he whispered, and ran his hands up and across my back, sending cold chills down my spine. I want you, he growled lustily.
I found his hardness with my hand, and began to stroke him with slow gentle strokes at first, and then faster as I felt his body warm against mine.
I want you, I told him hoarsely. Take me now.
However, he did not. He played with me first. It seemed like he wasnt guiding his hands, but rather your thoughts were. He rubbed them all over my body tenderly, and he pushed me backwards onto my back. He lingered on my breasts, feeling them swell with desires as he pinched my nipples, softly at first, and then more severe.
I arched my back as he ran his fingernails down my stomach and my thighs. My eyes were closed the entire time, and I pretended that it was you who touched me so longingly. I wanted you so badly that I couldt stand it.
Brad put his fingers into my pulsing wetness, and sent shivers throughout my body. His fingers found my nether lips and gently pulled on them to separate them. He teased my clit with his nails, and then pulled away quickly.
No, dont stop! I shouted. Take me Christopher!
That was the first time I had said your name aloud. I yearned for you with my body, my heart, and my soul. I needed to feel you, to have you touch me, and to make you take me.
I opened my eyes, and I looked over to you, surprised to see you getting out of your chair and walking towards me. I was afraid you were mad for a moment, but then I realized that you were crying. You were crying bloody tears, and I was frightened. I did not understand, but I was frightened.
You stood over me, watching, as Brad pushed himself into me. He filled me with his large, hard cock, and I pretended it was you. I began to cry. You kneeled onto the bed behind Brad, and pulled him backwards against you.
His face contorted as you pierced him from behind with your own desire. He moaned loudly, but you held him tight to you until he stopped moving. He was shocked, but still flooded with desire and lust. I looked into your eyes, and you began to push and pull him smoothly from my hungry cunt.
I cried as I watched you push him down onto me. His cock invaded me, made me shudder. I understood. He was our tool, our means of physical intimacy. I stared into your eyes, and you pushed him into me and pulled him out. I rode the waves of pleasure that the feeling of your lust and his cock gave me. I moaned in delight as you and I came together, exploding into new realms of possibilities.
Brad was confused. He was hard still when you pulled him from me, and tossed him to the floor. His body made an odd thumping sound as he hit the carpet. You were looking at me, memorizing my euphoria I believe, just as I was memorizing yours.
I love you, I sobbed, though tears of pain and love. I dont understand you, but I love you.
I know, you smiled, and you crawled up beside me on the bed and cradled me in your arms. I love you, you whispered almost inaudibly. And Im sorry for it.
I fell asleep like that, snuggled in your arms in the Portsmouth heat.


I hope I didn't mess it up too much copying and pasting it....if I did, sorry!

Happy X-Mas Eve!!!!!