lillithvain

It is 4:50 in the morning and I am eating dry cereal and surfing the internet. I've been sitting here in my huge apartment alone for hours, listening to life go by outside the door. It feel empty and hallow here. I think maybe I need a smaller place and some semblance of sanity. I'm still really sick, so going out and doing something is pretty much off the table right now and I wouldn't have the money to do it anyway, even if I could. That, and my car is still broken. I'm sure you've heard me rant enough about that so I won't go on and mope about it anymore in this blog.

I considered laying down and falling asleep on the couch with the television on, but I have no television and even if I did I don't have any cable, so there really would be no point to it. I am kind of down on myself right now, and I know that I shouldn't be but I just can't help it. I'm pretty good at fucking my life up, and lately it seems like I've been getting lots of help doing it. I also like to think I am a pretty strong person and pretty good and fixing what havoc I have wreaked, but maybe I'm running out of steam. I'm tired, exhausted really, and I can't come up with any good excuses for all the shit that I have to muck through anymore. I spend so much time telling myself to go forward, don't look back; and the way ahead is through shards of broken glass and volcanic eruptions of the soul. I'm not sure even someone as strong as I have been can withstand all of that forever. It just seems like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get ahead, get a hold, on something real. Everyday my mind and my body are working, working, working. I'm striving to be alive and it's getting to be too much of a struggle.

I want to close my eyes and sleep forever, but I know even then my dreams would chase me down and torture me. What have I done so wrong in the world that I have to endure so much? I would say it isn't fair, but I'm not naive. I know there are people out there who have it worse than I do. I know that their struggle are life and death......

Perhaps my small mental death and defeats are nothing in comparison, but they are mine and they are HARD.

Why is the way always so HARD? Why can't it be easy just one time? I'm trudging through days searching for happy endings that will never be there, and as hot tears stain my cheeks I feel like I am full of self pity and I hate myself for it.

Sometimes the load is just too much to bear, so please God or whoever might be out there.... I'm begging. Please just lift a few bricks from my shoulders.

Please.