lilitu23

Have strength and know I am here to listen dear.It's amazing to meet someone that is bold and beautiful.

Good move with nuking the Facebook account, whether it's temporary or long-lasting. You were able to see that it was costing you, and take the steps to get the nuisance away -- the same process you take with any addiction!

Sounds like you're also planning your time, scheduling things to do and keeping those schedules; whether it's excruciatingly mundane necessities or you have the luxury of planning entertainment, you seem to be keeping yourself moving if not truly "busy." Good on ya!

I look forward to seeing your upcoming posts here -- and who knows, maybe I'll finally get off my lazy duff and post about my life?

Hon, life can be hell. But just because you're stuck in hell doesn't mean it's time to give up and let the flames take over -- it's time to dance!

So, you feel insignificant and small. Unwanted. Unpleasant and unattractive. You give it all this effort and you get nothing in return. You're already feeling like shit, and when things are seemingly at the bottom, you end up with an unwelcome and unwanted "guest" -- exactly what you didn't need! It's hell, like I said.

Trust me, I know how trite and clich it sounds -- I still sometimes cringe when I hear it from friends -- but you'll find someone. You are not nearly so hideous as you think yourself to be; in fact, you're quite charming and delightful! The danger comes when you try to compare your beauty with that of another... you will never be that girl who everyone at every party drools over, makes passes (and off-color jokes) at, and has all the men and ladies lined up to get her number. Be grateful for that. You won't be the one that gets taken home every night by a different girl for a quick, essentially meaningless, fuck-and-run. This is a good thing. I'm confident, however, that you are the girl who will catch the eye of a woman just as lovely as you are -- someone who sees your beauty and appreciates it. It may not be soon. It may not be nearby. And the effort and the headaches and the heartaches between now and then will seem far too much to bear, and far too often. But she's out there somewhere for you.

Please, please, please do nothing to harm yourself. I truly worry, and worry quite deeply, when I hear from anyone "Somebody kill me. Depressed as hell. Tell me what a hateful, cruel selfish human I am." I know that pain, sister! I know how much it can tear you apart, and I never want anyone to feel that. But remember that there are others in your life -- stop for a moment as you read this and write things down even, anyone you can name who has spoken or written to you recently, anyone whose phone number or email or postal address you have on hand, it may help you to see -- there are many others in your life who would feel much the same as you do now, if you were to hurt yourself. Your words may be only figures of speech, or not truly indicative of desires that you would ever act on -- but to read all this... I am very, very concerned for you.

When we're hurting, when we hate ourselves, it's so easy to seek others to validate that self-hatred. There are plenty who are all too willing to point out our flaws and weaknesses and failings. There are many more who see simply that we are in pain, who refuse to dignify that loathing by magnifying it -- those who are there to hold and to help and to heal. Keep yourself near them, and know that you do not deserve anger or hate or malice directed at you, that what you need most -- and what I am happy to send, at least on my own behalf -- is love, caring, understanding, and joy.

I am truly pained to hear how the ordeal with the rat ended... but I cannot in any way see that you did anything horrible, that you are somehow a bad person because although you care about life and other living things, you did what was necessary to maintain your own safety, your own sanity, and your own home. Caring about others -- fellow human or creature or insect or anything -- is essential to a happy life. But when you care so much for everyone else that you neglect your own well-being, you can never be happy. There is no shame in putting yourself first, foremost, and feeling fantastic about it! As long as that isn't your entire life, celebrate those rare times when you feel selfish and greedy. You need to spend some time on you right now anyway.

I haven't seen any recent mention of taking the hormones -- are you still on those, still with the right doses? As someone put it when talking to me about her time going though that, "Remember how crazy and awkward and painful it was going through puberty? That's exactly what you're doing now -- welcome to your second puberty." If you don't have someone there that you can talk to, someone there for you on a regular basis even just to vent things, you really ought to see what you can do to remedy that. The folks at Trans:Thrive can certainly assist, and I know you've mentioned a couple other places around the city too... please make sure you have someone to go to.

I know this comment has gotten a bit lengthy, but I hope you've taken a moment to read through it all and to at least acknowledge, if not completely understand, that you are loved.

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Take Care, Be Well, and Love Life!